WEEK 4: Slechtq vs Ender (SLECHT NS, ENDER WINS)

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Slechtq @Ender

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: April 16, 2020 EST

GOODLUCK!

[Ender]

Check.

[slecht]

In like Flynn.

[Ender]

I'm over the line limit and I don't want to cut. Are you fine to up the line limit to 50?

[slecht]

That's fine.

[Ender]

What Might Have Been

It collapsed
Like a seismic shift
Once a city
Now a verdant drift
Like so many before
A city replaced with a stain
Tinged violaceous
Virid remains

A figure looks back
With regret but no pity
Rolls through the door
Try again with a new city

Stalking away from her building, caught in my feelings
With incoherent thought my rage is brought to the ceiling
My memory distorts our dealings to put her in the wrong
I’m too strong to…….. wait a minute, that doesn’t belong!

Wasn’t John’s butcher shop at the corner of 13th and 2nd?
I reckon it was yet now a strange flower shop beckons
With intoxicating selections covered in pearls of dew
Strange, the whole store seems to have a purplish hue

John’s place should be here, this seems doubly shady
A call from the counter, “See anything for your lovely lady?”
The skinny man with glasses gestures to what he sells
Only my love’s two favourite flowers; violets and irish bells

I dwell for a moment, not ready to end my fight
Despite not being right I don’t want to crawl, all contrite
I lock eyes with the flower man and gaze on his visage
Peculiar, the man is practically my exact mirror image
Interrupting my internal debate, words from my virtual twin
“Don’t wait until too late, then wonder what might have been”

Nothing seems real, that shop was never there before
A doppelganger of me running a vaguely purple store
I’m out the door, through green and purple streets I race
Flowers in hand to apologise, back to my love’s place

Her home is empty and there’s a note stuck on the door
Our last fight was one too many, the proverbial final straw
I slump in defeat, barely notice the city melting all around
Collapsing buildings, puddles of purple-green paint abound
Out of the corner of my eye, the flowerman looking gruff
Shaking his head sadly, you weren’t quite quick enough

Look in my love’s mirror, this must be an absurd dream
Like this whole city, I seem to be made of purple and green
And my facial features literally start to melt off my head
It’s horrifying, body liquefying, I wish I’d said… said……..

A figure looks back
With regret but no pity
Rolls through the door
Try again with a new city
Desperately trying
To repaint history

[slecht]

posting today

[Diablo]

I guess this ones a no-show? Ive got you on feedback Ender

[Ender]

Thanks mate. I appreciate that. Hopefully Slechtq will show though!

[Diablo]

This was real good, Ender. I think pacing wise you nailed, I’m a big fan of the short lines with more emphasis placed on the rhythmic cadence and implied flow so this was right up my street from the gate. I can appreciate the degree of difficulty used in maintaining the rhyme scheme with the carryovers and internals you used throughout but I’m also not overlooking your use of dialogue throughout here - you managed to keep it short and sweet, very natural sounding and never seemed to try and fit it into the rhymes (which many people make the mistake of doing IMO) but I was pleased to see you had the experience here not to fall into that trap, it’s the sign of an experienced writer for sure and that experience shined through in this for me. The recalls of ‘purple’ throughout were handled very well and never seemed repetitive, that’s particularly due to your word usage and rhyme placement - which again I felt was another strong point of yours here. You’re good in several areas and I think you’ll pose a threat to the majority of writers active in the league.

Keep that pen moving!

[Universe]

I was waiting for official word but fuck it, you've waited long enough.

Ender - Great job here. This was a tough topic to draw any emotion from but you definitely made it seem real. This verse was tight, concise, and flowed beautifully. There wasn't many 'awkward exchanges' in the dialogue sections either - it all felt smooth. I enjoyed the story you told here too, it had all the metaphorical weight needed to keep this centered but the underlying factor of regret was present throughout, and I really felt the character's desperation as he spiraled downward in his journey for redemption within himself. My only real issues with this piece is sometimes the multi's were lacking and we'd only see 1 or 2 syllables connected, but honestly, when it comes to topicals I'll take that over a technically proficient piece with no heart or story.

This had both. Great work, Ender. Shame you had no opponent...