01-25-2018, 07:32 PM | #1 |
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WEEK VII: Symetrik vs King Ra.[KING RA. WINS]
Season 8 Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59 EST Voting ends SUNDAY at 9:00 EST Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @symetrik vs @King Ra. Goodluck! Last edited by Inno; 02-06-2018 at 08:32 PM. |
01-25-2018, 08:07 PM | #2 |
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Hey whattup check. you wanna do same topic or?
Last edited by symetrik; 01-26-2018 at 01:54 PM. Reason: added my topic |
01-26-2018, 06:27 PM | #3 |
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Here. I will write to the image you've selected, sir.
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02-02-2018, 07:29 PM | #4 |
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The Last Five Minutes I woke to the morning mist gripped 'round my curious feet, which peeked out beneath sleep and the comfort of down sheets considering clouds that creep through town corridors soundless, carefully scouting the day's dawn, diligent to the dangers of braving the mountains. ... out here, the sun rays that break through are both breath-taking and countless. "the ground's cold and needs leaves" - the first thing that Firbolgs teach cuz the dirt will leach heat 'til your brains freeze and teeth birth words of slurred speech. the earth's cursed and doesn't mean to worsen the physique, it's just trying to be nourishing the weak, while birds dirge a ditty sitting pretty in the trees. but right... me. I'm 23, 5'8", and my name's Regan, and recently, I've been receiving the awfulest treatment. I've been framed for maiming sheep... and accidentally summoning demons. people decreed I released evil behemoths... granted their freedom. single-handedly chanted, standing and bleeding to seemingly plan an agreement. the whole damn panic expanded from phantoms that roamed roads, not to mention the ***kling crows, flown where the bones grow. omens of woe, rattling-chains-in-a-robe and the feeling of hope? low. I suppose the sole secret, who planted the seed "heathen" only Odin would know. it's time to wrap up, enough flashbacks cuz only moments ago, they noticed my actual tracks. I was caught on my own, casually strolling 'til three twigs tangibly snapped. 17, and you're frozen! ah... somatic and spoken, the classic components of magical traps. bzzt and lost focus, note it: you're binded and defeaned. awesomely ended... I'm already excited to write the next session! |
02-02-2018, 10:17 PM | #5 |
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The Fall of Man
I am.... surrounded. It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught? They say that 'battles are won, wars are lost'- my heart is pounding. Three armed adversaries trot around me, how could this had possibly happen? O' Mighty One, hear my cry, for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened. Yo- A gatherer of sorcerer's stones that gives one logic & power, wisdom & knowledge to rise above it all and conquer the hours. Enemies cowered and crawled, devoured, skulls cracked and scattered, no matter the call, I made sure their blood splattered the walls. These were times of ancient scribes who scribbled rhymes of reason, hieroglyphs were riddles, signs decoded by minds of genius. Wizards went to war against warlocks, hooded thieves practiced the art of the steal, magic was a mastered craft that only the iron hearted could wield. I studied the stars and drew maps of God's throne in the heavens, I bent time at my will & might, turning minutes to seconds. Growing stronger by the day, I felt the pleasure of unleashing a savage rage, parting seas that formed tidal waves, cities turned to underwater graves. Most would say I was brave, others would say that I was too prideful, maybe that's when it started, the loss of respect, not being mindful. I roamed the forest that day and got caught in a trap, my adversaries came out of the shadows and started to clap. The witch sat atop of her stallion and starting chanting a spell, a hole in the earth formed, opened up and I saw the fires of hell. I tried my best to escape the grasp of the pentagrams streams but with each attempt, pain struck my core violently- I started to scream. I am.... surrounded. It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught? They say that 'battles are won, wars are lost'- my heart is pounding. Three armed adversaries trot around me, how could this had possibly happen? O' Mighty One, hear my cry, for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.
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02-03-2018, 04:06 PM | #6 | |||||||||||||
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SYMETRIK
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However, the first 2 lines keep me detached from the photo topic, as the character here is obviously detached from the scene themselves. Kind of paints the picture of a gamer waking up in bed getting ready to sign onto his favorite RPG game. Maybe that's what you're going for, we'll see. Quote:
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Reads so clean. Quote:
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1. The protagonist here is a gamer in a RPG game. 2. They are LARPing. 3. They are an author/writer, and this is adding onto the ongoing story. in any case they're all cool. I'd choose option 3 if i had to guess at one. The only con I see here is you spent that first large chunk of material with imagery on the forest and not on the actual action you see in the scene. KING RA Quote:
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That was cool little easter egg.. if not - it fits and is happy accident. Quote:
Spider-man quote "with great power comes great responsibility" Quote:
Another superhero movie quote this reminds me of is "Absolute power corrupts absolutely" I feel like that was something else displayed through the story here. Quote:
protagonist here is being hunted for who only knows, usually the first train of thought is he is innocent - why are these people hunting him down? and by the end of the story you've turned the protagonist into the antagonist that was corrupted by the power he sought. VOTE I am not sure if my vote will count as I signed up for next week and missed out this week. If it does ...(if not - disregard and let it be feedback) mvgt King Ra for a more consistent/completely enveloping storyline |
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02-06-2018, 09:50 AM | #7 | |||||||||||||||
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Symetrik
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Things like "teeth birth words", "trying to be nourishing [to] the weak" and "birds dirge a ditty", could be tighten up a bit so that the syntax of your lines reads more fluidly and natural (imo). Quote:
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Aside from that. This section was super solid, imagnative and fun to read. The mechanics were also pretty dope. Quote:
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Okay, so your character seemed to be some sort of novice level magician. Who is not fully in control of his powers. As a consequence to this he ends up wreaking havoc on the entire township. Dope. King Ra Quote:
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Vote - King Ra Reason: I like both verses. However here's the thing, Symetrik's verse was very imagnative, entertaining and had superb flow, but the downside was that it also had some blotchy word choices. Whereas King Ra's verse was also very imaginative, entertaining and he too had a superb flow, but the only downside to his verse was that it ended. Feel me? Nice battle guys. I enjoyed the ride. You both got skills. Peace. Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 02-06-2018 at 10:02 AM. |
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02-06-2018, 03:39 PM | #8 |
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hmm I would have given this battle of the week in my opinion... I've read two of the other battles so far and I think this one both battlers really went in on the topic... I have to say this battle was very close and it really could have gone either way... the only thing I could take from it was I didn't really enjoy the topic that much in general the picture was just too I don't know not netcee if you feel me... it was too like sci fi style and I think both of you went in on it well for what it was... hmm im going look through it one more time before I give my kind of critique on it er whatever but here it goes...
okay for me the first dude symetrik seemed very forced to me although I enjoyed his writing and the first time I read the verse it did seem very fluid but looking at it again just at a glance er whatever I think there were parts where the wording was off maybe he was going for effect but for me it just seemed sloppy whereas the second dude just seemed to roll off the toungue... I also liked king ra's take on the subject matter it did seem like he knew what he was talking about which I cool I guess to a degree if the subject wasn't so corny... lol anyways he did alright I liked how he spinned the last verse back to the first that was cool made ya kind of think at the end... anyways this is what I took from this battle... I think the second verse was written a bit better and the first one was kind of all over the place it had no basic topic that it stuck to the entire time... just my opinion but yeah... vote: king ra
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02-06-2018, 07:13 PM | #9 | |
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02-06-2018, 07:13 PM | #10 | ||||
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