The Maniary - Stand 1 Existence

Maniac · 05-01-2015, 04:46 PM

Is life a shadow, is it a mirror/
Or the remnants of a warfront/
Maybe the handwork of a bored God/
Maybe the findings of the long lost/
What made the making of man/
Timelessness of the minute hand/
Or the offshoots of gozzillas embedded deep inside the sands/
(Questions) why am I here, why do I keep coming here/
No directions, no roadmap, where do I go from here/
Is it a journey, or a job or maybe its all a cycle/
Maybe I was he who built the first tabernacle/
oh yeah, death is static and life is dynamic/
Why should I breathe to die, wrong physical kinematics/
If I am to leave, why did I come in the first place/
And when I leave, do I get a place to rest in the last days/
Questions, Questions, Existence is all messed up/
Got my head all messed up, the dreams of a cast off/
If there's a God and he's 1, solve this complex number/
Cos life's a irony of itself, more like a blunder/

El Muffin · 05-01-2015, 05:14 PM

Ull get adequate feed from likeminded ppl I promise

This was pretty interesting

I took issue w/ the rhymes in a few segments but for the most part what u were saying was concise.

For example

All a cycle

Tabernacle

Obv choppy

But that was more testament to what this piece was

Which was just an onslaught of brainstorming put to ink imho

Maniac · 05-01-2015, 08:19 PM

Thanks muff

That's my First post on here

El Muffin · 05-01-2015, 10:09 PM

I know

Ur welcome

Geno · 05-02-2015, 12:15 PM

Ya. I also had issues with the rhyming. Glad u posted. Stay active man. Best tip for u at this stage is to read other people and feed. It will come back to you. It will also help u. Find a writer u enjoy reading. Learn from what u see. Apply it in ur own unique way and expand.

This was cool. Was digging it mostly until it got a little biblical. Tye tabernacle shit really tossed me off.
Keep postiNHg

Zen · 05-02-2015, 09:43 PM

What Geno said about reading other people's work is the best advice possible. Right now what you have isn't bad, I've seen worse, but the problem is it's a bit cliché. Don't take that personally, it's just the truth. If you're going to write about something that people have written about plenty of times before, it needs to be written in a way that's unique enough to grab the reader's attention because if you don't it just becomes the same old, same old. Keep at it, man.

05-01-2015, 04:46 PM	#1
Maniac Junior Member Join Date: May 2015 Posts: 2 Rep Power: 0	The Maniary - Stand 1 Existence Is life a shadow, is it a mirror/ Or the remnants of a warfront/ Maybe the handwork of a bored God/ Maybe the findings of the long lost/ What made the making of man/ Timelessness of the minute hand/ Or the offshoots of gozzillas embedded deep inside the sands/ (Questions) why am I here, why do I keep coming here/ No directions, no roadmap, where do I go from here/ Is it a journey, or a job or maybe its all a cycle/ Maybe I was he who built the first tabernacle/ oh yeah, death is static and life is dynamic/ Why should I breathe to die, wrong physical kinematics/ If I am to leave, why did I come in the first place/ And when I leave, do I get a place to rest in the last days/ Questions, Questions, Existence is all messed up/ Got my head all messed up, the dreams of a cast off/ If there's a God and he's 1, solve this complex number/ Cos life's a irony of itself, more like a blunder/

05-01-2015, 05:14 PM	#2
El Muffin DOHpe since 02' Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Surrounded by white ppl Posts: 14,693 Battle Record: 43-24 Champed - Netcees Battle League - 1-2 Punch Onslaught - 1-2 Punch League - Hot or Thot Roast - Hot or Thot 2018 - Fight Night 11 - NPL Roast Rep Power: 34230532	Ull get adequate feed from likeminded ppl I promise This was pretty interesting I took issue w/ the rhymes in a few segments but for the most part what u were saying was concise. For example All a cycle Tabernacle Obv choppy But that was more testament to what this piece was Which was just an onslaught of brainstorming put to ink imho __________________ It’s like weed in Highschool- w/ the cans I’ll smoke you Bitch I floss . I Got the chain out to see like Constantinople

05-01-2015, 10:09 PM	#4
El Muffin DOHpe since 02' Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Surrounded by white ppl Posts: 14,693 Battle Record: 43-24 Champed - Netcees Battle League - 1-2 Punch Onslaught - 1-2 Punch League - Hot or Thot Roast - Hot or Thot 2018 - Fight Night 11 - NPL Roast Rep Power: 34230532	I know Ur welcome __________________ It’s like weed in Highschool- w/ the cans I’ll smoke you Bitch I floss . I Got the chain out to see like Constantinople

05-02-2015, 12:15 PM	#5
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,330 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	Ya. I also had issues with the rhyming. Glad u posted. Stay active man. Best tip for u at this stage is to read other people and feed. It will come back to you. It will also help u. Find a writer u enjoy reading. Learn from what u see. Apply it in ur own unique way and expand. This was cool. Was digging it mostly until it got a little biblical. Tye tabernacle shit really tossed me off. Keep postiNHg __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

05-01-2015, 08:19 PM	#3
Maniac Junior Member Join Date: May 2015 Posts: 2 Rep Power: 0	Thanks muff That's my First post on here

05-02-2015, 09:43 PM	#6
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	What Geno said about reading other people's work is the best advice possible. Right now what you have isn't bad, I've seen worse, but the problem is it's a bit cliché. Don't take that personally, it's just the truth. If you're going to write about something that people have written about plenty of times before, it needs to be written in a way that's unique enough to grab the reader's attention because if you don't it just becomes the same old, same old. Keep at it, man.