Round 1: 1. El Pancake vs. R. Innovator \\ El Pancake wins 8-0

[Certain]

Welcome to Round 1!

The Basics

Check-ins are required by Monday, Aug. 25 at 11:59 p.m. PT. If you don't check in, you will be replaced.

Verses are due Thursday, Aug. 28 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Aug. 31 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here.

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Lost in the World


Good luck, @El Pancake and @Drunken Master.

[Inno]

A continuous disillusioned pursue for the truth
Leaves us a disposition with which whom we give our youth
Too long we spend suffocating life with a macabre stride
A man made pride massages our godlike egos inside.
Pesticide said the blind man's eye. Genocide to a righteous mind.
We are a frighten pride, full of cowards dressed in lion furs
Bunch of sheep committing suicide. Truth is a line that's constantly blurred.
A wandering wind against the tides of destiny's oceans
We are the simply color against the canvas, brush strokes
Trying to paint the motions.

[PancakeBrah]

Forewent a career as a street savant, forgot a degree
Options recede into coffee & weed, eleven A.M wake ups and sparks of a tree
in an American Dream. Detroit blues, kick the can while you walk on the street;
this saga’s a fait accompli. Faded; the ease of getting lost when you’re free
is so intoxicating you lose the rhythm to the march of your beat;
you’ll miss the target by feet. Supply and demand; what’s the market for me?
Another Special Underachiever, looking to exchange thoughts for a fee
on any topic in reach. Unskilled but headstrong, with overwrought theatrics
caught and released; a generation unfit spread across the atlas.

[oats]

innovator impressed me here. Those last three lines were excellent, it painted a beautiful image of being lost. My beef is that there were a handful of instances of clunky wording and rhyming, and the verse was planted in generality. That type of hazy focus can work if you stuck to the metaphorical imagery like those last three lines, cuz then you don't have to justify anything aside from the metaphor. But how it is now, it's good, but leaves me (the reader) a little too much at arm's length to fully appreciate it. Still, a really good showing overall.

Cake had an immediately noticeable advantage in language and rhyming, much cleaner writing. I personally vibe with the disillusionment of the underachiever, which I think was a good direction for being lost (loved the fait accompli/lost when you're free line).

Innovator made this one competitive, but I think Pancake takes the W for a higher grade of writing and a more complete conveyance of the topic. good shit to both

[Adonis]

I only read like 8 verses this week, but these two are my favorite of them all. Unfortunate that one of you have to lose. Inno, this short style is a godsend to how you write. Cake is just a fag. But I did enjoy the story, not the message per say, but the writing. On the other hand, I enjoyed the message behind Innos verse although the schemes were far out shined by Mr. Pan.


Vote cake.

[kannon]

Inno... Correct me if I'm ignorant of STRUNK AND WHITE, but "with which whom" doesn't sound like that's how English is supposed to work. Um, I mean, I think I get it. We're all kind of "lost in the world" cause we all kinda follow shit blindly, and people tend to think for themselves less in favor of following the flock. I think some of the lines just took on a weird wording. "A man made pride massages our godlike egos" I mean, I feel like pride and ego are incredibly similar. Which makes me almost read the line like "our ego is stroking our ego." I do like the closer a lot. I just dont know that I really got anywhere in this piece. That's, I think, going to be one of the biggest challenges about writing short form, is really conveying a variety of emotion in 10 bars. Overall, this was okay. I'm not 100% sold that macabre is a word that can be used to describe our "stride." I dont know man. It felt forced in places, with a nice bow wrapped around it at the end.

Pancake... Really stretching out to that 15 word/line max, I see. This made for some dope schemes, but it lacked a flow to me. But I do understand that this is text, where "flow" has a looser definition, so I give you the benefit of the doubt. Um, first read through, definitely some dope lines. "the ease of getting lost when youre free...march of your beat" stuck out to me in particular. I felt this piece a little more focused than Inno's. And as a guy who's little brother spent a majority of his time in college trying to get "youtube famous," this kinda strikes a chord with me haha. Fuckin kids. I digress, Overall, this was a dope little piece. I know I'm fairly new to this board's writing team, and you're probably quite established here, but I look forward to reading more from you.

This was an easy win to Pancake

[NYCSPITZ]

great battle. inno is raw talent, some rough but somewhat impressive writing with some profundity to it. Cake just outclassed him here. Cool concept of underachiever vagabonds not reaching peak state. writing exceptional.

v/ cake

[Objective]

Innovator - Trying to make sense of our emotions and handle everything that's going on in this world isn't an easy task, sure as hell make some people crazy and feel imprisoned to living life as they're ''lost in the world'' with seemingly only one option to free themselves. Cool verse with some insight on the darker parts of humanity.

El Pancake - You're starting off your verse flawlessly and drags the reader into it at once. Some dope stand alone lines too, ''Supply and demand; what's the market for me?'' made me think about what I'm trying to achieve with what I do as well. Dope closure to it as well.

Vote - El Pancake from a neutral standpoint. Pancake got the superior verse as far as rhyming goes and the verse as a whole. But personally I felt the shit in Innovators verse better, I really enjoyed his verse this time around. Kinda didn't want to pick a winner of the two, but morally I felt it would be wrong to vote for Innovator based off the fact that I just liked what he was saying more when Pancake got the better verse in all other aspects as far as writing goes. So ye, Pancake gets my vote. Really enjoyed reading this battle.

[Soulstice]

Pancake wrote a highly developed topical In his limited real estate. That was something I didn't expect. I thought shorter stories being accented by dialog up would be the key to this but span cake proved here that you can use metaphors images and phrases to develop something with just as much depth. Innovator actually showed that too. However his wording and rrhymes just slightly under shot the bar pancake set. Voting for pancake. Good battle

[big baby]

MY NIGGA PANCAKE WINS 6-0, CLOSE THREAD.

[Diode]

meh.

innovator did a tired concept and has some trouble with the english language. pursue instead of pursuit, using pesticide in a way that doesn't make sense anywhere in this world
(Pesticide said the blind man's eye?).. just the usual boo hoo humans life is meaningless aren't i worldly scholar stuff i am tired of reading.

cake leaned on his technical ability to tell a half-assed story. i had a lot of hope for it with the beginning lines but then it became clear he was just flexing his topical muscle and having no real purpose to it. he should step it up next round, because that shit won't fly going forward.

v/ cake on technical proficiency

[Frank]

Innovator, Great way to open up the saga. Opening line had this gravitational pull to it that was really quite dazzling. Aside from that, I didn't feel much.

Pancake, dug it



Vote - El Pancake