Nightmaric Dream

[Scripter]

I'm having nightmares
I gotta find a way to block them now
I keep seeing demons.. who keep proceeding
to come knocking... when I'm dreaming
I gotta lock them out.. but how?
I never been inside this room
I must of taken shrooms and ended up in someone else's house
yeah that's it...
and from there it must of went south
or maybe I was so drunk last night
that I just black it out
Naw you know what...
it was that last tab of acid I dropped when I drank that vodka down
ill just leave now I'm out..
but where the hell did all the doors go
and whats with all the evil laughter, masks and shouts
and whats with the books flying down... crashing bashing me
from off the shelf
I think I should probably find some help
I'd sit and think but the chairs are all set upside down
aw shit... I'm seeing rabid dogs and wicked witches dressed in dress of 666's
ain't nothing as sick as this is
the fucking bitch is trying to suck my dick... after her head fell to the bricks and started to roll out...
she hit her lips right beside her whiskers
I ran... fuck that
she was still right on my britches
I seen the light and a cliff... I dipped
I started climbing rocks... hey
I finally got away
looked down from about half way
and seen sharks in the water... under broken bridges
I kept climbing... got to the top
grabbed a branch... it snapped
I fell... and the fucking nightmare ended
That's why every time I wake I'm more demented
not use to shoes no more if they're not cemented
I seem to be fine... stable inside my mind
but I'm just pretending
cause each line written is as cursive in recursion as a vipers venom
I'm a lifer mind behind bars... my skull the prison
endless halls of memories hidden
they come back through panic attack like Kodak
I bare my derriere... an ask for kissing
brain washed so... I think a lot
about re re rinsing... in the red room
in gloom of a negative transition
cause it feels like.. there's pieces missing
I'm increasing doses but keep on pissing
on tricks and the mad magician
like Hocus Pocus.. stuck to the craft in a puzzled prism
my noodles sticking... to the walls like flux on a lunar mission
I blast off fucked.. cause I'm always tuna fishing
an thrust the vessel... like a horny devil
no fable I scratched their chin... cause my balls are itching
grab tit tassels without hassle... an shift a bitch in new position
without ado I Purdue the chicken
grab Orin's belt... and give her a licking
press her head to the window.. till her lips are sticking
am make her believe I'm the truth
an everything she felt was through a vision
a karma suit that's fitting... till her head shoots through the roof
I'm sick... I stick in rhythm
until they're alphabet soup.. I go through
an spell the name of the newest victim
like I knew there was something
that the bullets missing
wake up tuned in to the wheel of fortune
struggling to buy a val in time... before the buzzer kicks in

[gitto138]

I'm having nightmares
I gotta find a way to block them now
I keep seeing demons.. who keep proceeding
to come knocking... when I'm dreaming
I gotta lock them out.. but how

After reading this part i thought it was flowing well,, i think you need to focus more on the concept rather than writing what "fits in" to rhyme.
Dude im just a beginning i suppose, but i just couldnt get into this piece, the structure was
makin it hard to follow,, keep droppin,, oh and tat kodak line,, real bad lol

I fell... and the fucking nightmare ended
That's why every time I wake I'm more demented
not use to shoes no more if they're not cemented
I seem to be fine... stable inside my mind
but I'm just pretending
cause each line written is as cursive in recursion as a vipers venom


Good line, not sure wat ya were tryin to say here though--cursive in recursion as a vipers venom

[Mitch]

I really enjoyed the crazy structure at the beginning, and i enjoyed right after the dream for a while, when it got to the rape or w/e it went downhill pretty fast. Your imagery was good in the dream, and after the dream for a while. the rhyme scheme was weird but worked well for me.

[UnbornBuddha]

This was okay. i feel it had a horror movie suspense to it, at least the way you worded things. It has this suspense thriller way of presenting itself, that if you ever read a scary movie script it seemed to mimic it. I also sometimes felt that you just rhymed to rhyme, not choosing the word that best would highlight what you wanted to convey. I also saw some grammar mistakes, now I'm not the grammar nazi, but they were things that could of easily been rectified because it the flow a little bit rough. As for the best choice of words I mentioned, one can really use whatever word, but as long as one uses it for a purpose that deems necessary. Every word before it is just as important.
Anyways, thanks for your thoughts, keep writing the vivid way you do, but make sure your utterly inspired.

[DexLabb]

this sucked horse shit balls

[Adverse]

Decent piece.
Your structure and rhyme schemes weren't what I'm used to but it wasn't a bad kind of different and I actually thought it complimented a piece like this.
The imagery was decent to me, there's a few things I feel you could've expanded on or worded differently but this is an odd piece so maybe it was just because of that.
This really reminded me of Elzhi's 'Talking In My Sleep' maybe listen to that and compare notes? It might teach you something fam. Anyways, keep writing!

[Scripter]

Thanks for the feed!

[e11even]

Sup scrip. Long time no read. I was into the first half and eventually decided that this was a train-of-thought type approach and lost some interest. This was more potent than what I usually see from you, so thats great. All you need now is to experiment with better structure form and candance. Focus on your angle and message too. Great job respectively, otherwise.

[Eŋg]

i didn't read this. but i did try.

[Scripter]

Originally Posted by gitto138

I'm having nightmares
I gotta find a way to block them now
I keep seeing demons.. who keep proceeding
to come knocking... when I'm dreaming
I gotta lock them out.. but how

After reading this part i thought it was flowing well,, i think you need to focus more on the concept rather than writing what "fits in" to rhyme.
Dude im just a beginning i suppose, but i just couldnt get into this piece, the structure was
makin it hard to follow,, keep droppin,, oh and tat kodak line,, real bad lol

I fell... and the fucking nightmare ended
That's why every time I wake I'm more demented
not use to shoes no more if they're not cemented
I seem to be fine... stable inside my mind
but I'm just pretending
cause each line written is as cursive in recursion as a vipers venom


Good line, not sure wat ya were tryin to say here though--cursive in recursion as a vipers venom

another name for cursive is script and related to being cursed. So it was a play on words and it had double meaning
https://www.google.com/search?q=curs...l=np&source=hp
recursion - something that keeps reoccurring with each occurrence becoming a function of the next. vipers venom relates to the base of an occurrence.

[gitto138]

Ah i see i forgot bout google haha