yaya

[Zen]

I chew it and grit my teeth. Spit it out and lift my feet to hit this loud within my cheeks. Emit a cloud. I'm spinning again this week. Upended. Become the villain you need. A slave to depression. Angry, unchained. Obsessive to rage. Aggressive and decaying. The wait is regression. Insane and decompressing. Impressions of angst. Confessions, weighing indiscretions each day with the reverend. Athiest, still hoping to make it to heaven. Submission, suppression. Suggestions: Hate is a weapon. Half-empty/Half-full. Totally wasting perception. A coma patient only afraid of reception. I comb, I shave. It takes ten seconds. Least that's what I tell myself. It's more like ten minutes so people won't think I have bad hair, but why does that matter? We're making life a disaster hoping for the light to come afterwards. Self-fulfilling prophecies. All unique snowflakes. All crystal in quality. Just to end up in a pick up giddy on molly. Oh, the pity. Why bother with life if you only squander it? Matrices of lies. Whatever makes you survive. Take what you like. Hate what you despise. That Satanist vibe that's still awake in your basement with knives. That time you saw that face that made you think she's the wife. None of it's real however you look at it. Only real in your mind. Sickness, ill just to feel compliant. Only real when dying. Those passing moments where you gaze off wondering what you should have did. Oxygen mask humming hymns to what could of been. A tear falls onto the pillow, a crow shrieks out your window. The moment is bleak. now you feel cold.

[DexLabb]

everybody needs a villian

[dead man]

I comb, I shave. It takes ten seconds. Least that's what I tell myself. It's more like ten minutes so people won't think I have bad hair, but why does that matter? We're making life a disaster hoping for the light to come afterwards. Self-fulfilling prophecies. All unique snowflakes. All crystal in quality.

first part was a stark look into your own world through the lens of social interaction vanity and humility. a lot is revealed in a few words. rest was a dope follow-up. can't go wrong with a fight club reference.

Matrices of lies. Whatever makes you survive. Take what you like. Hate what you despise. That Satanist vibe that's still awake in your basement with knives.

I'm usually prone to skip over super overt topics such as satan or jesus or god cause frankly it's very rare that anyone dropping OMs here has anything intriguing or new to say about the subject that isn't completely derivative of a prior thinker. but for it's stylistics alone i could vibe with this segment.

I'm noticing a severe upswing regarding the inspiration of your writing here. finding your voice it seems..

thanks


1

[Witty]

Yo this was dope, I liked a lot of things about this. I'm not sure I've ever seen you write in this way before and I enjoyed it, the rhymes were dope and the honesty in the piece was appreciated, I think it adds more to a piece when there's an insight into the mind of the writer and you did that very well with this verse.

Athiest, still hoping to make it to heaven. Submission, suppression. Suggestions: Hate is a weapon. Half-empty/Half-full. Totally wasting perception. A coma patient only afraid of reception.

These were probably my favourite lines, it was awesome because there were a lot of cool phrases and images being thrown around in quick succession, I think it forces the mind to engage more and makes the reader focus harder on the piece, it's a good technique to use. You should definitely write more pieces like this, I agree with black that you are definitely coming into your own as a writer in regards to the content of the piece as much as the style, this was top notch writing and I'm looking forward to the next shit you write, if you keep polishing things up and putting as much effort and honesty into your writing as you did in this piece you will only get doper and doper.

This was really dope man, thanks for the read, props bro.

[Fig]

Dude fuck yeah

I'll feed this later

I pwomise

[Dragon]

This was good, I enjoyed it. Your wording is top notch and I enjoy your rhyme schemes. Cool shit.

[PancakeBrah]

Originally Posted by Fig

Dude fuck yeah

I'll feed this later

I pwomise

lol

[Fig]

Originally Posted by El Pancake

lol

The album in your avy is good

[e11even]

This was so good. So good. You were deftly consistent in the power of thought you laid down here. i loved every segment and i really should take a few pointers for how not shy away from what makes me me. Great drop. I'm very inspired. Thanks.

[Zen]

Don't believe him @El Pancake. Fig is a liar.

[Fig]

Fuck you @Zenland. Now I gotta feed you out of spite and shit? Im secretly trying to appease you because I always lag on our collabs? Dad?

I chew it and grit my teeth. Spit it out and lift my feet to hit this loud within my cheeks. Emit a cloud. I'm spinning again this week. Upended.

The wording in bold helps establish an aggressive tone from the gates. The imagery in the first line is especially impactful. Ends on a poignant note that sheds some light on the nature of your cloud emissions.

Become the villain you need.

the sudden change in tense confused me a bit. I do think it's a dope line though.

A slave to depression. Angry, unchained. Obsessive to rage. Aggressive and decaying. The wait is regression. Insane and decompressing. Impressions of angst.

First two phrases were dope. Wish it was less ambiguous at parts (man im a fuck ass)

Confessions, weighing indiscretions each day with the reverend. Athiest, still hoping to make it to heaven. Submission, suppression. Suggestions: Hate is a weapon. Half-empty/Half-full. Totally wasting perception. A coma patient only afraid of reception.

the only weak concept here is the athiest line. just felt played. But the lines following it are good.

I comb, I shave. It takes ten seconds. Least that's what I tell myself. It's more like ten minutes so people won't think I have bad hair, but why does that matter?

so you can get the bitches nigga!
sometimes the truth is better than a rhyme, and this was one of those times.

We're making life a disaster hoping for the light to come afterwards. Self-fulfilling prophecies. All unique snowflakes. All crystal in quality. Just to end up in a pick up giddy on molly. Oh, the pity. Why bother with life if you only squander it? Matrices of lies. Whatever makes you survive. Take what you like. Hate what you despise.

That Satanist vibe that's still awake in your basement with knives. That time you saw that face that made you think she's the wife. None of it's real however you look at it. Only real in your mind. Sickness, ill just to feel compliant. Only real when dying. Those passing moments where you gaze off wondering what you should have did. Oxygen mask humming hymns to what could of been. A tear falls onto the pillow, a crow shrieks out your window. The moment is bleak. now you feel cold.

I think youre on a surge of inspiration right now where youre really solidifying your writing prowess. This whole piece just seemed unforced if that makes sense. I was on coke when i commented on this initially but Im happy to find that this shit is just as cool as when i first read it. I see a bright future ahead for you young one.

[Zen]

You're not the only one who lags on collabs. I won't say any names but I will say its definitely not black and dull boy who doesn't lag. DEFINITELY NOT THEM.

You guys are nice though. I like when people say nice things.

[oats]

let me do it like this. please note that I'm breaking the verse arbitrarily for where I want to pause and feed.

I chew it and grit my teeth. Spit it out and lift my feet to hit this loud within my cheeks. Emit a cloud. I'm spinning again this week. Upended. Become the villain you need. A slave to depression. Angry, unchained. Obsessive to rage. Aggressive and decaying. The wait is regression.

very angsty, but not in a bad way. The "become the villain you need" is dope, hints at our emotional fragility, that we need adversity to propel us. Slave to depression came off as cliche since it was just there, not expanded upon or followed up really, would have preferred a better way to describe that state. While emotions are packed in here, and you definitely get your atmosphere of bottled up whirlwinds of feelings and frustrations, it was a bit too vague for my likings. Like, "the wait is regression" doesn't have as much punch as I think it could have because I don't have much to attach to that feeling. This is a very internalized segment. It's successful, and no doubt something that most of us can probably relate to on our own terms, but perhaps it was a bit scattered. I get that being all over the place was intentional - the writing was too good to think otherwise - but it does create a polarizing effect, where some people will click with it and others won't so much. I liked it, but can't help but think that it could have been improved with a stronger visual resonance. Any overt narrating would have fucked this up, not suggesting that, but I think these emotions can be more uniquely conveyed through more descriptive imagery. Just my opinion on the matter. This was effective nonetheless, engrossing of a human condition.

Insane and decompressing. Impressions of angst. Confessions, weighing indiscretions each day with the reverend. Athiest, still hoping to make it to heaven. Submission, suppression. Suggestions: Hate is a weapon. Half-empty/Half-full. Totally wasting perception. A coma patient only afraid of reception.

This is where I feel you hit your stride. The image of an atheist hoping he's wrong and that there IS more than the octaves of life and death (shameless reference to my own verse there, sorry) is great, even if not altogether novel. I loved the wasting perception/afraid of reception couplet (if you can call it that in this format). This is what I was talking about earlier, how you convey deeper layers of these emotions visually, comparing us/yourself to a coma patient, recognizing the ridiculousness of trying to adjust your perspective on reality as either positive or negative, when in fact it's just what it is. Strong ties back to the atheism at the reverend here; sure religion makes you feel better, but for fuck's sake I just can't prescribe to it, even though part of me wishes I could. Great writing here.

I comb, I shave. It takes ten seconds. Least that's what I tell myself. It's more like ten minutes so people won't think I have bad hair, but why does that matter? We're making life a disaster hoping for the light to come afterwards. Self-fulfilling prophecies. All unique snowflakes. All crystal in quality. Just to end up in a pick up giddy on molly. Oh, the pity. Why bother with life if you only squander it?

shaved this morning. Anyway, good comment on vanity, had an aloof humor to it. More commentary on religion it seems, how people almost give up on the now in hopes that something better will arrive after we die. Like "fuck the planet, I'm going to live forever so who cares" kind of an attitude. So of course the Revelation type apocalypse actually does happen - not because it was destiny or a course God set out for us, but because we've chosen/allowed it to be. More visual touchstones with the beauty and uniqueness of all of us, contrasting with the useless endeavors of fleeting joy. @Fig re-read this part, there's more to life than drugs. The last line there resonates though, lots of impact and truth packed inside of it.

Matrices of lies. Whatever makes you survive. Take what you like. Hate what you despise. That Satanist vibe that's still awake in your basement with knives.

Those were just OK to me. Seemed like more commentary on religion, but it came off a little uninteresting to me. Not that it was poorly worded or anything, just the sentiment is oft-communicated. Plus, the Satanist vibe awake in your basement doesn't register with me. It sounded good, though, the rhymes were dope. Maybe I'm just dumb :(

That time you saw that face that made you think she's the wife. None of it's real however you look at it. Only real in your mind. Sickness, ill just to feel compliant. Only real when dying. Those passing moments where you gaze off wondering what you should have did. Oxygen mask humming hymns to what could of been. A tear falls onto the pillow, a crow shrieks out your window. The moment is bleak. now you feel cold.

strong return to form, to simulate flashes of your life before death. then death. it's lonely, to realize all of your life - the good, the bad - it doesn't matter anymore. You still die. The oxygen mask line may have been the best of the verse. This is haunting, great section of writing.


Overall: a little uneven, but a dope verse nonetheless. the moments of vulnerability and frustration are scathingly insightful. though there were some hiccups of cliched writing here and there, they were far outweighed by the poignancy and honesty that saturated the verse. Lots in here for being a fairly short verse. Dope shit, Zen

[Kin]

Solid verse....talented writer right here...whole 1st quarter rhyme scheme on this was whoa!....middle a little less creative but picked it up again at the end

Bringing some realness once again

Dope read my dude

Diggin your work always

[namix]

so there is a movement happening in writing where tight rhyme-schemes and abstract thought with sound imagery connects, but I can't drink the koolaid anymore without digging it myself.

there is an aspect of this kind of writing that comes off difficult to some and easier to others... not good or bad in that respect, the reverse can be said about a lot of writing too.

since i think the kid finally went off the deep-end in terms of being just annoyingly immature and useless, I hate to say it - but this piece remind me of Lars at his best. he had a bit more careful attention to the detail of the rhyme scheme at his best, in my opinion - BUT, importantly, your verse read truly natural --- which is one of the most important things to a writer, because in a moment of honesty, that other guy would admit it was a bit contrived at times.


since he's my benchmark for this style, while he could be more vivid in a moment in terms of word usage/imagery, your CONCEPTS were more fully developed in my opinion, on a one-off basis...

"Whatever makes you survive. Take what you like. Hate what you despise."
^^ a great example of that.

"whatever makes you survive" --- then "take what you like". that is ill dude...

"hate what you despise" -- probably more detailed than most care/need, but the extra syllable just gave me that weird cringe feeling... it was a perfect concept, and by saying "hate what's despised" - i would have read it more cleanly (even if it meant you sacrificed some grammatical integrity --- i think its worth it in this kind of piece to maintain flow execution).

Some really strongly developed concepts broskie.... my main personal issue with these kinds of pieces comes down to the lack of 'overall message' being established and delivered throughout the piece. I get rhyming on a topic, or feeling, but what i alluded to before as my main issue with this style, it's the lack of story telling, or message to me..... BUT, that is personal preference, and from a writer standpoint, i wouldnt ding you for it --- because in the end I have one great takeaway:

your conceptual development is getting strong. some dudes are good at an 'overall message of a verse', some are good with 'imagery in a couple words', but you had several instances of meaningful concepts that painted a picture AND were effective at hitting home to most readers.

great development of this piece, and overall yo. pc