03-14-2014, 02:12 PM | #1 |
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Son Of An Addict
Son Of An Addict
I'm being pre judged, due to the things my father has done They say I'll be like him, I act like they don't bother me none The things they say, I feel like they're nonsense and dumb But it still effects my life, their words have awfully stung I'm not gonna fumble though, I'll stay up on my feet I pray nothing defeats me, but they keep fucking with me They tell me I'll live on the streets, selling drugs for loot Then they wanna make peace with me? Nah, fuck your truce It truly is hard, living life the way that I live My hand grip loosens, and I only hang by the tips Meaning suicide is on my mind, but I won't escape it like this i'll on keep moving, even when people pray that I quit I won't end up like my father, a druggie dead beat dad They only say I will in hopes that it will get me mad It honestly does though, their words scar me mentally they say I'll amount to nothing and they harm me endlessly It's like just because of my fathers actions, no one can trust me When I meet new people, I don't speak of him till I know that they love me I know this may seem cheesy, you may think its nothing dramatic But this is truly how life is when you're the son of an addict |
03-14-2014, 06:00 PM | #2 |
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This was just okay. A few of the rhymes were forced and the content felt generic in both a narrow and broad sense. The lines themselves were pretty cliche-ridden and the overall approach wasn't very nuanced. If this is a personal piece I suppose the critique is different, but not really. It felt like a topical, but either way this could've been improved with some complexity in both execution and concept.
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If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? Last edited by Geno; 03-15-2014 at 03:25 AM. Reason: sorry bout the edit, cake. meant to qoute and fucked up so had to restore your original. didnt mean it |
03-14-2014, 06:38 PM | #3 | |
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It seems that you have a good enough grasp over the mechanics, but the content was a bit trite at times. Like pancake said though, if this is a deeply personal then you may disregard these critiques (although he threw in the 'not really bit' cuz hes a dick) however it wouldn't hurt to be a little more infinitive and less to the point. keep dropping
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03-15-2014, 01:47 AM | #4 |
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Yeh I wasnt trying to do anything amazing with this it was just a quick piece I wrote to get shit off my chest. It is personal.
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03-15-2014, 03:25 AM | #5 |
White Earl
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03-15-2014, 08:30 AM | #6 |
t00 0riginal 4 u
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This was pretty weak
You need to up your rhyme schemes and get more creative use some imagery and descriptive bars Keep elevating tho props |
03-15-2014, 09:19 AM | #7 |
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Hah. Y'all are way to technical about this shit. I mean, I respect y'all but damn. All of the other websites I've posted on people said this was a nice piece. Especially on the emotional aspect of it and yeah I couldve made the rhyme schemes more complex but I and other people have said the simple rhyme scheme was nice for this piece. Also I did have multis.Y'all act like if the multis arent all 8 syllables long then the whole piece is shit. Not every piece has to have a super complex rhyme scheme and big ass words. I will take all of your feed into consideration the next time I write a piece where I actually take my time with it tho because like I said before, this was a quick piece I wrote to get some shit off my chest. I wasn't trying to do anything special with it. But I think this piece is a lot better then y'all are saying it is.
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03-15-2014, 11:28 AM | #8 | |
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03-15-2014, 11:33 AM | #9 |
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I know. I understand you guys are just helping and I do want to learn. If I didnt I wouldn't be here. Tbh I was in a bad mood when I got on here at first and I just felt like every one was attacking me. Lol. Im cooled down now though. I did say I'm going to take all of the feedback into consideration next time I write. I wasn't trying to do anything special with this piece anyways but thanks to all for the feedback I'll definitely work on it.
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03-16-2014, 12:43 AM | #10 | |
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Pancake's feed was spot on but he didn't have to convey what he conveyed quite in that manner. Genocide was worse off then pancake in this particular occasion. He gave a pretty lack luster bit of feed. Its pretty disrespectful to be so lazy as to not even take the time to even type up his own words. Genocide is one of the writers that let text success give him a big head. Dude used to be real humble and pretty descriptive when he fed ppl. A word of advice there h4ze if you ever gain that sort of stature don't let it change you. Stay humble and just work on improving because too many katz lose sight of that as they gain some acclaim. Keep doing you bro. Here's a friendly challenge: Write a topical with some multi syllable density and a couple metaphors thrown in...let's see how you do. Oh and to clearify You do NOT need 8 syllable multi's to be dope man. However you DO need multi's to be dope Imo(amongst other things like metaphors, similies etc etc). Also where you place you're multi's are important too. If you place a multi on you're end rhymes and transition into the next line with a multi it will spice up the verse quite a bit tbh. One step at a time though. There are a lot of tricks of the trade to learn and I don't know em all. Stay up Last edited by Natural; 03-16-2014 at 12:48 AM. |
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03-16-2014, 01:13 PM | #11 |
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Thanks for the feed man. And I'll definitely try that challenge you mentioned. I've been trying to work on multis, I know I need more. So yeah when I can think of a topic I'll get at it.
I appreciate the feed. |
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