Son Of An Addict

[H4ZE]

Son Of An Addict

I'm being pre judged, due to the things my father has done
They say I'll be like him, I act like they don't bother me none
The things they say, I feel like they're nonsense and dumb
But it still effects my life, their words have awfully stung
I'm not gonna fumble though, I'll stay up on my feet
I pray nothing defeats me, but they keep fucking with me
They tell me I'll live on the streets, selling drugs for loot
Then they wanna make peace with me? Nah, fuck your truce
It truly is hard, living life the way that I live
My hand grip loosens, and I only hang by the tips
Meaning suicide is on my mind, but I won't escape it like this
i'll on keep moving, even when people pray that I quit
I won't end up like my father, a druggie dead beat dad
They only say I will in hopes that it will get me mad
It honestly does though, their words scar me mentally
they say I'll amount to nothing and they harm me endlessly
It's like just because of my fathers actions, no one can trust me
When I meet new people, I don't speak of him till I know that they love me
I know this may seem cheesy, you may think its nothing dramatic
But this is truly how life is when you're the son of an addict

[PancakeBrah]

This was just okay. A few of the rhymes were forced and the content felt generic in both a narrow and broad sense. The lines themselves were pretty cliche-ridden and the overall approach wasn't very nuanced. If this is a personal piece I suppose the critique is different, but not really. It felt like a topical, but either way this could've been improved with some complexity in both execution and concept.

[Fig]

It's like just because of my fathers actions, no one can trust me
When I meet new people, I don't speak of him till I know that they love me

That line was the most impactful

It seems that you have a good enough grasp over the mechanics, but the content was a bit trite at times. Like pancake said though, if this is a deeply personal then you may disregard these critiques (although he threw in the 'not really bit' cuz hes a dick) however it wouldn't hurt to be a little more infinitive and less to the point. keep dropping

[H4ZE]

Yeh I wasnt trying to do anything amazing with this it was just a quick piece I wrote to get shit off my chest. It is personal.

[Geno]

Originally Posted by El Pancake

This was just okay.

[Sick]

This was pretty weak

You need to up your rhyme schemes and get more creative use some imagery and descriptive bars


Keep elevating tho props

[H4ZE]

Hah. Y'all are way to technical about this shit. I mean, I respect y'all but damn. All of the other websites I've posted on people said this was a nice piece. Especially on the emotional aspect of it and yeah I couldve made the rhyme schemes more complex but I and other people have said the simple rhyme scheme was nice for this piece. Also I did have multis.Y'all act like if the multis arent all 8 syllables long then the whole piece is shit. Not every piece has to have a super complex rhyme scheme and big ass words. I will take all of your feed into consideration the next time I write a piece where I actually take my time with it tho because like I said before, this was a quick piece I wrote to get some shit off my chest. I wasn't trying to do anything special with it. But I think this piece is a lot better then y'all are saying it is.

[Just Write]

Originally Posted by H4ZE

Hah. Y'all are way to technical about this shit. I mean, I respect y'all but damn. All of the other websites I've posted on people said this was a nice piece. Especially on the emotional aspect of it and yeah I couldve made the rhyme schemes more complex but I and other people have said the simple rhyme scheme was nice for this piece. Also I did have multis.Y'all act like if the multis arent all 8 syllables long then the whole piece is shit. Not every piece has to have a super complex rhyme scheme and big ass words. I will take all of your feed into consideration the next time I write a piece where I actually take my time with it tho because like I said before, this was a quick piece I wrote to get some shit off my chest. I wasn't trying to do anything special with it. But I think this piece is a lot better then y'all are saying it is.

To be honest bro people arn't trying to put you down, this is a better site to elevate your skills than other sites with lesser writers. Of course some people are dicks about it but most are helpful if you ask. If you don't want to expand your abilities thats cool, just post whatever but if you want to actually get better heed the advise you're given and learn from it. This was ok with potential, your word choices a juvenile, meaning they're beginner type. Single syllable end rhymes ect. Its not that your piece is bad its just boring because you have no flare about it. And while the emotion is obviously there, different word choices could make that emotion ooze into the readers brain. Im talking given the reader goosebump type shit. Anyways man just trying to help. Peace

[H4ZE]

I know. I understand you guys are just helping and I do want to learn. If I didnt I wouldn't be here. Tbh I was in a bad mood when I got on here at first and I just felt like every one was attacking me. Lol. Im cooled down now though. I did say I'm going to take all of the feedback into consideration next time I write. I wasn't trying to do anything special with this piece anyways but thanks to all for the feedback I'll definitely work on it.

[Natural]

Originally Posted by H4ZE

Hah. Y'all are way to technical about this shit. I mean, I respect y'all but damn. All of the other websites I've posted on people said this was a nice piece. Especially on the emotional aspect of it and yeah I couldve made the rhyme schemes more complex but I and other people have said the simple rhyme scheme was nice for this piece. Also I did have multis.Y'all act like if the multis arent all 8 syllables long then the whole piece is shit. Not every piece has to have a super complex rhyme scheme and big ass words. I will take all of your feed into consideration the next time I write a piece where I actually take my time with it tho because like I said before, this was a quick piece I wrote to get some shit off my chest. I wasn't trying to do anything special with it. But I think this piece is a lot better then y'all are saying it is.

Pancake is just a Dick. If you stay here for any length of time you'll learn that.
Pancake's feed was spot on but he didn't have to convey what he conveyed
quite in that manner. Genocide was worse off then pancake in this
particular occasion. He gave a pretty lack luster bit of feed. Its pretty disrespectful
to be so lazy as to not even take the time to even type up his own words.
Genocide is one of the writers that let text success give him a big head.
Dude used to be real humble and pretty descriptive when he fed ppl.

A word of advice there h4ze if you ever gain that sort of stature don't let it change you.
Stay humble and just work on improving because too many katz
lose sight of that as they gain some acclaim. Keep doing you bro.

Here's a friendly challenge:
Write a topical with some multi syllable density and a couple metaphors
thrown in...let's see how you do.

Oh and to clearify

You do NOT need 8 syllable multi's to be dope man.
However you DO need multi's to be dope Imo(amongst
other things like metaphors, similies etc etc).

Also where you place you're multi's are important too.
If you place a multi on you're end rhymes and transition
into the next line with a multi it will spice up the verse quite
a bit tbh.

One step at a time though.
There are a lot of tricks of the trade to learn
and I don't know em all.

Stay up

[H4ZE]

Thanks for the feed man. And I'll definitely try that challenge you mentioned. I've been trying to work on multis, I know I need more. So yeah when I can think of a topic I'll get at it.
I appreciate the feed.