01-23-2014, 10:41 PM | #1 |
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The Story of Eve: An Alternate History
In a land tattered and torn, people were scattered and bourne
for a new land since theres has been shattered and scorned blood-spattered and worn forged by war she was born to lead Eve, she swore a creed, enemies were sured to bleed she said, "they'll be serving me." through all four seasons Eve and her tribe treaded sword swinging all towards Eden She didn't want to kill and maim, She lost her still aimed focus of the future for thrill and gain, the shame fills her frame The blame is on her and she knows it, but shes to close to quit she chose to committ, so they keep going until she shows a writ from her father, it said don't bother all of your work is squandered you will be in the desert left to wander, Eve sat and pondered the words cut her deeply, tears flowed as she weeps a plea to her people to stand by her sheeply as they march steeply through the barren wasteland, They were left in the fates hand Eve states commands her army as they march into a dire straits land their hearts of flames are breathing, Eve's hate is seething as they are reaching the gates of Eden to face the heathen of deception that she's been yearning for since the wars inception when she came to her corps conception, This land'll fall no exception blood-soaked battle ensues, Eve with hatred in her heart, she stands as her army is slain she starts to remember when this all began 20 years earlier He took a rib, dust and wind, mixed them together into something then She was named and given to a man, her patience drew abruptly thin when Adam, the man, told her to serve him, she said no, it became worse he beat her til near death, he says he owns her because he came first Adam was a man to some but not to Eve..... so she planned to run From him when he went to his land to hunt, she couldn't stand to none of his orders, he wanted to hoard her to himself, she made it to the boarders but she was caught by what she thought was a voice in her head with disorders Told her, "Eve, I'm your father don't even bother to fodder any longer" that she can't leave Adam the first man...It would lead to his dishonor She was afraid of the voice so she went back and stay with no choice Eve became the model wife, did all her man's desire, he prayed and rejoiced The voice came to her again and said, "God, your father decrees that you to not touch the tree's leaves, don't ask just believe" Adam was disturb by the words so he hit her, She heard a whisper it wasn't god this voice differs, if you eat the fruit he will gift her with knowlege of all time so she saw a small vine and stalled but climbed every tooth anf nail scrapped to the top, excited on what she'd find she didn't partake and eat, she decided that she would make a break and leave even though she didn't know of the world beyond, if it was safe or freeze, She was free finally untill a flash of light blinding red with a louder boom "How dare leave my garden! I knew you'd be trouble , I had doubted you and now my child you'll be hunted til you die, you need to choose right!" She had no fear of god only rising hate, She screamed with venom "You lie and your a fraud, i'll bring you down." all her days she tore and clawed her way started this day with a sured facade when Eve declared a war on god Present day. Blood stained the fields of eden, Eve meets the general of god he was careful yet flawed.....Her heart, she feels it beating Eyes of flames her sword she raised and The generals helm's displaced reaveling his face of Adam, she wonders how his blood would tastes She struck her sword agains his flesh to where blood was spotted she sawed, ripped and torn slowly through Adam's coratid as he begged and pleaded he wanted to be safe he conceded to her saying he is a man and god both, her strength was needed but she didn't believe any word,she was a tough and real broad he was a man playing omnipotent, she'll be known as the woman who kills god |
02-13-2014, 04:41 AM | #2 |
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What the hell is this feminist propaganda? Nah, just kidding, I think your effort for this one deserved at least some reaction. From a technical viewpoint you started really good in the first part with sharp rhymes that for most part didn't come off as forced. I got the feeling you sort of drifted off somewhere in the middle of the second part, less impressive internals and some spelling errors, etc. I would also suggest you strip your sentences of all excessive words, making the read less heavy. The overall story though was dope and thought provoking, especially with the ending in mind. If you're still around, keep doing your thing.
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02-25-2014, 05:07 AM | #3 |
Licking Lily's..
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OMG..
straight forward, from RM i have seen a billion post of you.. and i had never read one of your pieces.. annnnndddd my lorde, its hot.. blood-spattered and worn forged by war she was born to [I]lead[/I] Eve, she swore a creed, enemies were sured to bleed A life cycle, for the first four bars, that ish is crazy.. her way started this day with a sured facade when Eve declared a war on god The personal touch in between is on fire as far as emotion.. he was a man playing omnipotent, she'll be known as the woman who kills god This is what's crazy, story wise.. you capture the madness, tie it all up and forge the aggression she horded to benefit through life.. to push forward even with pain.. highly impressed :) thank you.
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02-25-2014, 05:07 AM | #4 |
Licking Lily's..
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soz dbl kicked it..
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I shit cough drops .. Last edited by Cereal_Killa; 02-25-2014 at 05:09 AM. |
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