11-11-2013, 07:42 AM | #1 |
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Week 8 - ZYG (1-1) vs. ThisIsDam (1-0) - THISISDAM WINS 5-3
Season 2 Rules Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post. If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension. Topic Glaciers of Ice Good Luck @ZYG @ThisisDAM
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11-11-2013, 08:10 AM | #2 |
Significance over Purpose
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Good Luck sir
http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=209002&postcount=8 http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=209175&postcount=5 http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=209879&postcount=5
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Twitter - @ThisisDAM Last edited by ThisisDAM; 11-16-2013 at 05:53 PM. Reason: VOTES |
11-11-2013, 08:19 AM | #3 |
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SUBCONSCIOUS REGRET MANIFEST AS A PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE.
'Psychodynamics views the subconscious mind as the underlying motivation for human behavior. This hidden mind can be visualized as if it were the large area of the iceberg that is below the waters surface. Often these latent fears and desires can manifest through symbolic dreams.' The bushland crackles. Sitting at this desk with pen and a coffee, Reminiscing softly. Sweat stings my eyes, looking out through this open window, I miss it. So I distract myself with these different hobbies, but nothing compares. Sharp, shallow breathing as I struggle for air. Fixed with a despondent stare. I’ve forgotten things about you, but not enough yet. I remember every second of our traumatic event. Each glimpse of the past. I want to forget. It’s not possible. How many times must I repent? Our story seems apocryphal. I wish it was. I lean back in my seat and turn to watch the wall as I rest the back of my hand across my skull, and just recall everything I still can. I hope we can manage, these memories are stored like so much emotional baggage. I think if I reconstruct it enough I can alter what happened. My throat is too dry and too raw to talk out loud, so I write things down to fill the gaps between each prolonged and silent sound. Besides the scars on my lungs and the orange sky, the only constant is this ringing in my ears, and this burning, inescapable and complete sense of despair. Every doctor, diagnosis, every message of care, is nothing compared to my own self when aware. My family told me I’m different now and that my personalities changed, That I don’t show emotions, that I’m cold and that I’m no longer acting the same. I’m sorry my brothers but I don’t remember those days, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to behave. Last edited by zygote; 11-11-2013 at 08:21 AM. |
11-11-2013, 03:10 PM | #4 |
Significance over Purpose
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Glaciers of Ice
It was the darkest of days, A lonely stroll on this arctic terrain My body would shiver, ungodliest quivers The shock that it gives you just sharpens the pain The farther you sway, to search, find, a beacon of hope Or reach for a rope to squeeze & then choke & alleviate those on this season of snow You freeze in the cold, warmth was something your're eager to know As the frostbite continued to chew all your people in whole Your beard as it grows, frigid, iced & chilled to the pores Yet, still you ignore The image, sight, instilled to your core You've saved your clan, your tribe, the faction of few A magical group, who's primary goal's the advancement of youth Bringing joy to them all, the gift of a smile you obtain in return Is more fulfillment then anyone could ever explain they have earned They called you their idol, a Saint, of iconic traits Who brought wishes & prayers to revitalize faith You always ate last, feeding the children ahead of your hunger As they ate you felt full from all of their reverence, wonder No decadence, slumber, could ruin this joyous content To maturate children, transition these boys into men Never Devoid of the strength, until that one fatal moment Death & destruction became the main component The vision of peril, approaching as swift as the breeze Could bring to its knees, any village, town, city or street A polar bear, so mighty, strong, force-ful & immense Struck their leader with vigor, twice, tore open his chest They all saw His heart was as large as this ivory beast His eyes wide as they weep, trying to die with a speech "I....I....wish for those...of..you, who....dis-miss the goals.. ..Please...never... never give up ho...ho...ho........" He never finished, but they all knew what he was aiming for They vowed he never would die, his name lives more He died by the Claws, this saint, the man, the message & so... began the legend
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11-14-2013, 11:09 PM | #5 |
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ZYG: This probably is the most intimate thing I've read from you, which isn't really saying a whole lot. You took a more traditional approach both to the topic and to the form compared to last week, and the result definitely was a more easily appreciated verse. The clarity of your imagery early on his striking, but you turned to more retractive statements as the verse went on. I think it's a double-edged sword in this case: Your narrator's pain may have been more relatable because of the lack of specificity in cause, but you also kept the reader at arm's length by not fully opening up about the event. Ultimately, that choice is a matter of preference. Mine leans toward specificity to create more fleshed-out characters, but it would have been asking a lot of you to create an event worthy of this level of internal turmoil. There is one technical point I want to make here: Icebergs are not glaciers, and glaciers are land-based and therefore not below the ocean. That definitely cuts into the entire concept of your verse, but I'm not going to be a big stickler here because there's very little chance Raekwon knows the difference and because neither actually is formed by ice but rather by compacted snow. I do wish the introductory stanza had rhymed, though.
ThisisDAM: Based on the two verses I've read, your style reminds me a lot of the most popular one back in the RSTL a decade ago. That's not a negative, just an observation. You use a lot of rhymes and don't particularly force them, but you keep your content hinged to a twist more than I think is ideal. For instance, if the legend of Santa Claus was based on a guy who made toys for kids with a group of people in the Arctic, then how did they keep the legend alive when he died? Do the elves now deliver presents? But that's just me being finicky. What you could have done to elevate this verse was provide crisper imagery and writing in general. A lot of this verse seemed like a vehicle for rhyming and the big twist. That's good enough against 99% of opponents, but you're facing one of the most polished writers on this site, and your focus on lyricism and rhymes over syntax and nuance stands out. Still, your approach was very creative, and your rhymes were significantly better. This was a major improvement over last week. I don't think ties exist. Inherently, one thing is always better than the other. I've read each verse four times now. I didn't vote last night because I wanted another set of eyes. So what we have is the classic battle where one person is the better writer and the other is the better rhymer. This is going to be a very close battle, and I think Split Eight might end up right in calling it the battle of the week. But I lean toward diction and polish. Vote: ZYG
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11-15-2013, 02:49 PM | #6 |
past tense
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ZYG : Your imagery was dope, everything flowed together somehow well enough for me not to be bothered by your horrendous structure and syllable count. Your wordplay was pretty lackthereof, and another thing I didn't get was how it seemed to stray from the topic a bit.
these memories are stored like so much emotional baggage. This was about as creative as you got in this verse. You need to work on the story better, try fine tune the smaller details that you normally would cruise by. Dam : The story seemed to confuse me a bit, was it a priest taking children into the woods for a field trip? A teacher? A BoyScouts leader in the woods with kids? Either way, I shouldn't be asking this question. The story was dope, it be great if it was a little clearer as to what was happening. It just kinda seemed like you started writing this with no goal or actual story in mind,you just stumbled upon a bunch of lines with clever wordplay and good flow, and just mixed the story in between it all. Either way, this was close. Dam had the better "sorta story", had better wordplay and had the flow. Vote - ThisisDam |
11-16-2013, 11:33 AM | #7 |
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ZYG - This was decent, judging this by how much I enjoyed it, and also what it did with the topic. You've a knack for never getting writer's block, and you rarely ever have trouble hacking into a topic and fleshing it out into something unexpected. This one was self explanatory and just brushed at the surface.
DAM - lol. Showing this league how it's done with a nice twist. Very reminiscent of the RFBL days. Good, crisp rhyming and presentation. No complaints. You did your thing here. Vote - DAM |
11-17-2013, 06:44 PM | #8 |
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Zyg, conceptual wise, this was real nice, the introduction quote set a pleasing tone, but, I just don't think you delivered much on the aspect of the subconscious. The mechanics also seemed a bit drab where some spectacular lyricism could've redeemed it. But, t was just too vague, did he have lung cancer, asthma, try to save some people from a fire and get brain damage amnesia... Too much was left unanswered really.
Dam... I mean damn, this was nearly flawless on the rap style, yet it read almost poetic. Imagery laden story brought me to a clan of the cave bear Mamut tribe like scene. Although the take on the topic was terribly direct, the mechanics and flow were spot on throughout, even with the opening where you waited like 4 lines to bring the initial multi back didn't seem forced at all Vote - Dam |
11-17-2013, 09:24 PM | #9 |
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Zygote had a dope verse, very descriptive and accurate. I'm starting to dislike your titling when it comes to specific verse like these; they're a bit too cold when discussing the emotional. But that's nitpicky. I thought you nailed the execution. Dam I liked your flow, rhythm, and rhymes. The content was decent, not a negative. I think both did well, pretty closely contested battle. In the end I think Dam's technique was just the slightest bit smoother than Zyg's with everything else the same. v/Dam
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11-17-2013, 09:44 PM | #10 |
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This was a nice battle...pretty sure it was meant to happen
both of you have a distinct style that separates you from other writers ZYG you often carry a surprising take on a majority of your verses they always have a different approach from other writers you seem to think at a different rate from most which is great a nice verse to showcase your versatility. DAM you are surprising as well I can see you been doing this for a while your technical aspect with rhyming is quite...idk the word I want to say refreshing so lets stick with that the outcome of your verse really resonates well with the topic a very direct approach feeling I get from you very nice work this battle was interesting nonetheless and picking a winner depends on fluency to me both great writers in there own right but only one can walk away and to be truthful I felt like DAM came with a stronger verse I know it was written on the same or day after ZYG dropped his but I feel like he captured the idea more thoroughly nice battle fellas v/DAM
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11-18-2013, 12:52 AM | #11 |
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zyg:
you are a rhyming machine. the voters keep beating you over the head with it and you haven't adjusted much to that feedback. i say much because there was at least a slight change with this verse. it was an emotional connection to the subject, though you still seem to be writing like someone who is trying to evoke emotions they don't experience. a topical dexter, if you will. everything with this was technically sound, though not as impressive as previous pieces. i feel like the prologue you included was an effort to tie the topic to something you likely put together well before this assignment. it is tangential at best. i liked it better than all of the bad verses i read this week.. i just didn't like it more than the good ones. dam: basic rhyme schemes, no frills. story was going along alright and then "the twist" .. it was to your detriment. i don't know what word to describe it with so i'll go with corny. i kind of threw my hands up in the air and thought "seriously?". after starting strong you went with something so trite that it just ruined it for me. maybe i'm just not in a fun mood. maybe i've seen the santa topic done to death. i was really impressed with you last week, so this was a letdown. v/ zyg
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11-18-2013, 01:52 AM | #12 |
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Two dope writers clashing. This one was very tough.
ZYG, aside from the lightning strike drop in record time, this direction you went was pretty different from your usual stuff. And I must say I'm not disappointed. This was very fresh conceptually. Didn't think you would approach this the way you did and it worked. The writing was very nice and flowed pretty well. Very interesting flip on the topic. ThisIsDAM, you too did a good job conceptually. I'd have to say you were the better rhymer here hands down with once again, another solid flowing piece start to finish. Your story was also pretty good too. The direction you went was just as fresh as your opponent in how you approached the topic at hand. If I have to choose what separates the one who gets my vote from the one who doesn't, it lies within the stories given. You both are pretty much evenly matched to me in everything here which makes this tough for me to decide. But the edge for me comes with a knock and that knock is the "twist" as some others have called it in DAM's piece. To be honest, you win this hands down, IMO, if there was no twist and just a simple ending that ties everything together but this twist at the end really threw me off and sort of took away from your piece overall. I didn't really like it and I didn't really understand why you chose to go there with it reading everything else that came before it. That's really all that decided this one for me. Both of you are even in everything and if DAM didn't have that twist I think he takes this clearly, but ZYG edges this one out without any real hiccups in his story. MVGT: ZYG. Good job by both competitors. |
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