Life's a bowl of cherries and this is the pits

Mr. J · 10-21-2013, 08:09 PM

My poison is potent, as my pen dips into the ocean
writing with ink from a squid that's sick from devotion
living between scripts, ripped from the lips of broke men
blowing kisses to the sirens, sinking into bliss & emotion
fuck the world with a contraceptive, a condom blemished
another common menace sent from the Gods in Heaven
bring the bomb to tension, blow up your block like Tetris
til' these chickens come to roost, I'm another cock in attendance
causing ocular blessings, applaud the God's popular presence
sacrifice the children...put more of these damsels in distress
tell them to get off the site and go handle their pinterest
go do yoga you posers, create a seance with scented candles...
then cry on the internet..don't even try to intersect
next time it's all about dimes, and the time's I've entered in...
better yet, came...I'm waiting for one of you fags to irk me
rapping scurvy, that's how you pussies and bitches experience taxidermy
small movements forward get pawns knocked off for acting worthy
mad because in my advanced basics, they think or act too early..
fed them more than they could swallow, hollow tips & bottles
squeezing the tech in, swing blades, killing themselves, Yoshimitsu
learn what the mechanics have lead you into, another broken pencil
pads cloaked in menstruals, ain't none of you ho's suspenseful
I'm as chauvinistic as the next dude, and like to pose as you..
put them in the earth to see the wall they e-rode into...
try to confront the alias when they all fronted as failures
give it up and applaud for em. Grab a blunt and light it up for the carriers
The fires ready like Adolf
sprint for the verizon
you fags can't afford that straight talk

Darth Yoda · 10-22-2013, 12:04 AM

You should try rhyming less. Kewl

Zen · 10-22-2013, 10:57 AM

I've been late on returning feed so here it is my friend.

The strong points:

fuck the world with a contraceptive, a condom blemished
another common menace sent from the Gods in Heaven
bring the bomb to tension, blow up your block like Tetris
til' these chickens come to roost, I'm another cock in attendance
causing ocular blessings, applaud the God's popular presence

This section here carried a flawless with it. It's kinda similar to my style of rhyming but a more tone downed and refined version and I like that. Carrying multi's and keeping the flow alive is not an easy thing to do and you took it a step further with creative usage that was very entertaining. The chickens line made me lol but in reality it was fresh as fuck. Never heard that connection being used before so it was nice to see.

The negatives:
There are no real standout mistakes in this just mostly it was a negative to me. For instance the section I just mentioned had a great flow to it, but in some parts the flow seemed to lack and drag on a bit. Idk. It could have been the wording that through it off in some cases, but now that I've went back and reread it I noticed the pinterest/distress bar and pinterest isn't a word is it? Well, maybe it is but it doesn't rhyme with distress unless you have a different accent from mine.

But with all that said, pretty strong piece. Good luck in the champ battle holmes.

Mr. J · 10-23-2013, 03:04 AM

Thanks Zen...Pinterest is some chick site I believe
where all the barbies enjoy their easy bakes and words to artsy pictures

e11even · 10-23-2013, 03:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. J

Thanks Zen...Pinterest is some chick site I believe
where all the barbies enjoy their easy bakes and words to artsy pictures

Not my favorite piece from you, but an interesting flow and ok for a swag n flow drop. Not as potent as what I've seen you do though. A few tight lines, but the flow kinda kills some of it. But I appreciate the experimentation, though the flow needed a little polish. Good shit overall.

Btw pinterest is unisex. Its a less socially interactive scrapbook version of instagram.

veritas · 10-23-2013, 09:07 AM

Quote:

squeezing the tech in, swing blades, killing themselves, Yoshimitsu

LINE OF THE BATTLE.

THAT WAS DOPE J. PROPERS.

Mr. J · 10-24-2013, 01:56 AM

Thanks friend
I tried to drop a James Worthy reference in there as well

CopyPat · 10-24-2013, 03:09 PM

woah J. u went hard. i liked this. ur getting better and better. obviously you have flow/structure/scheming down. im just not too sure what your really ever going for, idunno its like u need to find ur identity to me.. u usually getting pretty emotional with ur stuff i think, like it comes from the heart, its mostly pretty serious, but i don't really know, something about it seems like ur trying to be something that u really aren't. just ur open mics i mean.. in cypher u fuck around a bit more. it just almost seems like u try to come off a little bit harder than u actually are? or like ur trying to go for this certain style of writing that doesn't exactly fit u???? idunno i could be way wrong here, just trying to give u some real feed with a different perspective. lots of quotables in this piece, cock in attendance sticks out lol pun intended. may more.. don't remember now, haha. oh and the end

The fires ready like Adolf
sprint for the verizon
you fags can't afford that straight talk

i was hoping you would add the rhyme for "sprint for the verizon" at the end, felt unfinished.. nice wordplay though

Mr. J · 10-28-2013, 01:58 PM

Coast guard

Mr. J · 10-31-2013, 12:16 PM

Vanilla Ice

veritas · 10-31-2013, 01:08 PM

blow op block like tetris was a very nice concept too!

Mr. J · 11-07-2013, 08:15 PM

thanks brother bear

10-21-2013, 08:09 PM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Life's a bowl of cherries and this is the pits My poison is potent, as my pen dips into the ocean writing with ink from a squid that's sick from devotion living between scripts, ripped from the lips of broke men blowing kisses to the sirens, sinking into bliss & emotion fuck the world with a contraceptive, a condom blemished another common menace sent from the Gods in Heaven bring the bomb to tension, blow up your block like Tetris til' these chickens come to roost, I'm another cock in attendance causing ocular blessings, applaud the God's popular presence sacrifice the children...put more of these damsels in distress tell them to get off the site and go handle their pinterest go do yoga you posers, create a seance with scented candles... then cry on the internet..don't even try to intersect next time it's all about dimes, and the time's I've entered in... better yet, came...I'm waiting for one of you fags to irk me rapping scurvy, that's how you pussies and bitches experience taxidermy small movements forward get pawns knocked off for acting worthy mad because in my advanced basics, they think or act too early.. fed them more than they could swallow, hollow tips & bottles squeezing the tech in, swing blades, killing themselves, Yoshimitsu learn what the mechanics have lead you into, another broken pencil pads cloaked in menstruals, ain't none of you ho's suspenseful I'm as chauvinistic as the next dude, and like to pose as you.. put them in the earth to see the wall they e-rode into... try to confront the alias when they all fronted as failures give it up and applaud for em. Grab a blunt and light it up for the carriers The fires ready like Adolf sprint for the verizon you fags can't afford that straight talk __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you Last edited by Mr. J; 10-21-2013 at 08:23 PM.

10-23-2013, 03:04 AM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Thanks Zen...Pinterest is some chick site I believe where all the barbies enjoy their easy bakes and words to artsy pictures __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

10-24-2013, 01:56 AM	#7
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Thanks friend I tried to drop a James Worthy reference in there as well __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

10-24-2013, 03:09 PM	#8
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	woah J. u went hard. i liked this. ur getting better and better. obviously you have flow/structure/scheming down. im just not too sure what your really ever going for, idunno its like u need to find ur identity to me.. u usually getting pretty emotional with ur stuff i think, like it comes from the heart, its mostly pretty serious, but i don't really know, something about it seems like ur trying to be something that u really aren't. just ur open mics i mean.. in cypher u fuck around a bit more. it just almost seems like u try to come off a little bit harder than u actually are? or like ur trying to go for this certain style of writing that doesn't exactly fit u???? idunno i could be way wrong here, just trying to give u some real feed with a different perspective. lots of quotables in this piece, cock in attendance sticks out lol pun intended. may more.. don't remember now, haha. oh and the end The fires ready like Adolf sprint for the verizon you fags can't afford that straight talk i was hoping you would add the rhyme for "sprint for the verizon" at the end, felt unfinished.. nice wordplay though __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

10-28-2013, 01:58 PM	#9
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Coast guard __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

10-22-2013, 12:04 AM	#2
Darth Yoda Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 408 Battle Record: 6-2 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF Rep Power: 20182439	You should try rhyming less. Kewl

10-22-2013, 10:57 AM	#3
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	I've been late on returning feed so here it is my friend. The strong points: fuck the world with a contraceptive, a condom blemished another common menace sent from the Gods in Heaven bring the bomb to tension, blow up your block like Tetris til' these chickens come to roost, I'm another cock in attendance causing ocular blessings, applaud the God's popular presence This section here carried a flawless with it. It's kinda similar to my style of rhyming but a more tone downed and refined version and I like that. Carrying multi's and keeping the flow alive is not an easy thing to do and you took it a step further with creative usage that was very entertaining. The chickens line made me lol but in reality it was fresh as fuck. Never heard that connection being used before so it was nice to see. The negatives: There are no real standout mistakes in this just mostly it was a negative to me. For instance the section I just mentioned had a great flow to it, but in some parts the flow seemed to lack and drag on a bit. Idk. It could have been the wording that through it off in some cases, but now that I've went back and reread it I noticed the pinterest/distress bar and pinterest isn't a word is it? Well, maybe it is but it doesn't rhyme with distress unless you have a different accent from mine. But with all that said, pretty strong piece. Good luck in the champ battle holmes.

10-31-2013, 12:16 PM	#10
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Vanilla Ice __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-07-2013, 08:15 PM	#12
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	thanks brother bear __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you