The Shelf

MarylandMade · 09-07-2013, 03:32 PM

It looks like a middle schooler wrote it. I wrote it in five minutes, but I just had to get it out.

It was fun while it lasted but now its time for reality,
there isn't anything left for me to try and force out of me,
Sweat for these lyrics to get out just so you can hear it,
but its just a vehicle without a steering wheel for me to steer it,
As all the others prevail and their success passes by,
My life's hard work stands parked while I just ask "Why",
The only goal I had was to give the hopeless a voice,
and the suicidal tendencies of others another choice,
Yes, I could've changed the world by having the right means,
but so it seems that the dream has broken down by the seams,
Take a shoe to step into and try to fit into for a week,
and maybe you'd see why I believe this path is bleak,
So goodbye to the fans, the supporters, and everyone else,
After this first CD, and my career....Im putting both on the shelf....

TYSON · 09-07-2013, 03:57 PM

Not selling too good huh???

MarylandMade · 09-07-2013, 06:01 PM

Can't even get the process started...

TYSON · 09-07-2013, 07:46 PM

Thought u said u got songs on the radio already. Let me be real for a minute. I can't listen to the song u put up on the discussion but from what was said u already got a foot in the door. If u give up its your fault at this point. U doing more then any nigga on this site for sure. Quitter never get nowhere. That shit don't come easy bro. If its a wall in your way break that hoe nigga. Just don't give up if it up if it in your heart to stop my nigga. Damn nigga!!!!

Geno · 09-07-2013, 08:15 PM

Thank you tys..
This is exactly the shit I've been preaching to this guy. I'm in the lab with dude as much as possible, I know what he's capable of. When I hear him sound like this, I'm like yo nigga. Thhats bullshit.

So werd md made... get ur mind rite man. Start having fun again, stop stressing over that label bs. Go hard, get this album out.. and keep posting on netcees nikka! Lmao

Ill holla boi

PancakeBrah · 09-07-2013, 11:11 PM

So this obviously related to the posts in discussion you made regarding the fact you were 'quitting' rap. A mix of a memoir, good bye, and the braggadocio. You're neither here nor there. This piece as a whole is troubling to feed as you're obviously someone who writes to actually rap, which is different than nearly everyone here. But my only recourse is to judge this as a standard open mic. And to me, it's lacking.

It was fun while it lasted but now its time for reality,
there isn't anything left for me to try and force out of me,

The wording is off, to a pretty strong extent. The first line is fine, if generic. It was worded fine, though. But the second line is a mess. The wording is so off it's almost hard to explain. 'left for me to try and force out of me' is just...bad. You should have excluded the first 'me'. I'm usually not wont to try and rewrite pieces when I drop feed but this is so obvious. Using 'me' so closely together in one line just reads clunky as fuck. You could have said "there isn't anything I have left to force out out me' and it would have landed so much better. That's just an example, I'm just saying the redundancy in this situation is overbearing and makes this couplet come off as corny.

Sweat for these lyrics to get out just so you can hear it,
but its just a vehicle without a steering wheel for me to steer it,

Same as the last. Your opening line/thought is pretty solid in wording, if not completely original. I appreciated the first line, because with my small knowledge of your background it felt real. But the second line was mucked much like the first. 'steering wheel for me to steer it'. I know their is a section of respect novelists and writers who feel that replacing verbs unnecessarily is the sign of a weak writer but in this instance you've taken the opposite direction and created a problem. 'steering wheel to drive it' or some other explanation would've worked so much better. I actually have some respect for you as a 'writer' because you can flow on a beat and have a strength in rapping fast, but in text format these first two bars are extremely basic with easy corrections. If you're going with couplets, you need to make your second line stronger than the first (usually) and so far you've failed.

As all the others prevail and their success passes by,
My life's hard work stands parked while I just ask "Why",

There's two camps in terms of multi's; people who feel that content takes precedent over wording, and people who think wording takes precedent over content. I fall into the latter. So this shades my criticism of this bar. Why not just make 'ask' into 'asking'. The meaning stays the same, but the multi works. But this is picking nits, this couplet was solid.

The only goal I had was to give the hopeless a voice,
and the suicidal tendencies of others another choice,

Came off as corny to me. Give me something unique or personal here if you actually meant what you meant in this couplet. But it was solid.

Yes, I could've changed the world by having the right means,

^Could you have, REALLY? Weak and amateur wording to me.

but so it seems that the dream has broken down by the seams,

^Solid, no real complaints. Nothing spectacular, but solid.

Take a shoe to step into and try to fit into for a week,

^Good. Taking a common turn of phrase but fitting it into your theme and arranging it into a unique read. I liked this line.

and maybe you'd see why I believe this path is bleak,

^Generic, to me.

So goodbye to the fans, the supporters, and everyone else,
After this first CD, and my career....Im putting both on the shelf....

A little corny.

Overall this was very uneven. I told you before you actually have talent in terms of rapping fast on an actual track. And you have a presence/personality. But in terms of a pure Open Mic this left me a little wanting. This perfectly captures the dichotomy between actual rap and Open Mics on this site. What I look for in a Open Mic is completely different from what I usually enjoy in a rap song, and this didn't qualify as 'dope' to me as an OM drop.

I won't say 'keep writing' because that insinuates needed elevation. It's a weird spot to be in, because you obviously have talent on an actual mc. So my criticisms might not apply to your actual goals. So I'll just say that in my tastes of the open mic drops on this site I didn't particularly enjoy this, but I know it's not your main goal to achieve that status.

MarylandMade · 09-08-2013, 12:41 PM

Thanks for the assessment Pancake. I actually agree with all of your points. They all are true as analytical as they are, besides every comment you made about it being "generic" and "corny". Just understand that it was meant to be generic and "corny" if you will. As you stated, Im so incredibly used to writing towards something that would be rapped on a record opposed to something read on a lyricist forum, so yes I agree, in the perspective of a reader instead of a listener it seems very bland, mechanically downright unstable, and just plain boring.

But when generic and simple is applied to audio the right way, its the greatest way to force emotion of any kind in to the listener. The crazy aspect of this flip, is that I guarantee if I were to spit this in the right emotional tone, I could get someone to either cry, or get angry. Generic lines and corny simple expressionalisms under the right tone does that to listeners Ive discovered years back. so in my opinion, if I were to rap this, it wouldnt be AMAZING but it wouldnt be garbage either.

But yeah, I agree....I'd give it a D in the eyes of a reader on a forum.

09-07-2013, 03:32 PM	#1
MarylandMade Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 36 Rep Power: 0	The Shelf It looks like a middle schooler wrote it. I wrote it in five minutes, but I just had to get it out. It was fun while it lasted but now its time for reality, there isn't anything left for me to try and force out of me, Sweat for these lyrics to get out just so you can hear it, but its just a vehicle without a steering wheel for me to steer it, As all the others prevail and their success passes by, My life's hard work stands parked while I just ask "Why", The only goal I had was to give the hopeless a voice, and the suicidal tendencies of others another choice, Yes, I could've changed the world by having the right means, but so it seems that the dream has broken down by the seams, Take a shoe to step into and try to fit into for a week, and maybe you'd see why I believe this path is bleak, So goodbye to the fans, the supporters, and everyone else, After this first CD, and my career....Im putting both on the shelf.... Last edited by MarylandMade; 09-07-2013 at 06:55 PM.

09-07-2013, 08:15 PM	#5
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,330 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	Thank you tys.. This is exactly the shit I've been preaching to this guy. I'm in the lab with dude as much as possible, I know what he's capable of. When I hear him sound like this, I'm like yo nigga. Thhats bullshit. So werd md made... get ur mind rite man. Start having fun again, stop stressing over that label bs. Go hard, get this album out.. and keep posting on netcees nikka! Lmao Ill holla boi __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

09-07-2013, 11:11 PM	#6
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 13,052 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899406	So this obviously related to the posts in discussion you made regarding the fact you were 'quitting' rap. A mix of a memoir, good bye, and the braggadocio. You're neither here nor there. This piece as a whole is troubling to feed as you're obviously someone who writes to actually rap, which is different than nearly everyone here. But my only recourse is to judge this as a standard open mic. And to me, it's lacking. It was fun while it lasted but now its time for reality, there isn't anything left for me to try and force out of me, The wording is off, to a pretty strong extent. The first line is fine, if generic. It was worded fine, though. But the second line is a mess. The wording is so off it's almost hard to explain. 'left for me to try and force out of me' is just...bad. You should have excluded the first 'me'. I'm usually not wont to try and rewrite pieces when I drop feed but this is so obvious. Using 'me' so closely together in one line just reads clunky as fuck. You could have said "there isn't anything I have left to force out out me' and it would have landed so much better. That's just an example, I'm just saying the redundancy in this situation is overbearing and makes this couplet come off as corny. Sweat for these lyrics to get out just so you can hear it, but its just a vehicle without a steering wheel for me to steer it, Same as the last. Your opening line/thought is pretty solid in wording, if not completely original. I appreciated the first line, because with my small knowledge of your background it felt real. But the second line was mucked much like the first. 'steering wheel for me to steer it'. I know their is a section of respect novelists and writers who feel that replacing verbs unnecessarily is the sign of a weak writer but in this instance you've taken the opposite direction and created a problem. 'steering wheel to drive it' or some other explanation would've worked so much better. I actually have some respect for you as a 'writer' because you can flow on a beat and have a strength in rapping fast, but in text format these first two bars are extremely basic with easy corrections. If you're going with couplets, you need to make your second line stronger than the first (usually) and so far you've failed. As all the others prevail and their success passes by, My life's hard work stands parked while I just ask "Why", There's two camps in terms of multi's; people who feel that content takes precedent over wording, and people who think wording takes precedent over content. I fall into the latter. So this shades my criticism of this bar. Why not just make 'ask' into 'asking'. The meaning stays the same, but the multi works. But this is picking nits, this couplet was solid. The only goal I had was to give the hopeless a voice, and the suicidal tendencies of others another choice, Came off as corny to me. Give me something unique or personal here if you actually meant what you meant in this couplet. But it was solid. Yes, I could've changed the world by having the right means, ^Could you have, REALLY? Weak and amateur wording to me. but so it seems that the dream has broken down by the seams, ^Solid, no real complaints. Nothing spectacular, but solid. Take a shoe to step into and try to fit into for a week, ^Good. Taking a common turn of phrase but fitting it into your theme and arranging it into a unique read. I liked this line. and maybe you'd see why I believe this path is bleak, ^Generic, to me. So goodbye to the fans, the supporters, and everyone else, After this first CD, and my career....Im putting both on the shelf.... A little corny. Overall this was very uneven. I told you before you actually have talent in terms of rapping fast on an actual track. And you have a presence/personality. But in terms of a pure Open Mic this left me a little wanting. This perfectly captures the dichotomy between actual rap and Open Mics on this site. What I look for in a Open Mic is completely different from what I usually enjoy in a rap song, and this didn't qualify as 'dope' to me as an OM drop. I won't say 'keep writing' because that insinuates needed elevation. It's a weird spot to be in, because you obviously have talent on an actual mc. So my criticisms might not apply to your actual goals. So I'll just say that in my tastes of the open mic drops on this site I didn't particularly enjoy this, but I know it's not your main goal to achieve that status. __________________ If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me?

09-07-2013, 03:57 PM	#2
TYSON IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,985 Battle Record: 10-15 Rep Power: 23089119	Not selling too good huh???

09-07-2013, 06:01 PM	#3
MarylandMade Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 36 Rep Power: 0	Can't even get the process started...

09-07-2013, 07:46 PM	#4
TYSON IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,985 Battle Record: 10-15 Rep Power: 23089119	Thought u said u got songs on the radio already. Let me be real for a minute. I can't listen to the song u put up on the discussion but from what was said u already got a foot in the door. If u give up its your fault at this point. U doing more then any nigga on this site for sure. Quitter never get nowhere. That shit don't come easy bro. If its a wall in your way break that hoe nigga. Just don't give up if it up if it in your heart to stop my nigga. Damn nigga!!!!

09-08-2013, 12:41 PM	#7
MarylandMade Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 36 Rep Power: 0	Thanks for the assessment Pancake. I actually agree with all of your points. They all are true as analytical as they are, besides every comment you made about it being "generic" and "corny". Just understand that it was meant to be generic and "corny" if you will. As you stated, Im so incredibly used to writing towards something that would be rapped on a record opposed to something read on a lyricist forum, so yes I agree, in the perspective of a reader instead of a listener it seems very bland, mechanically downright unstable, and just plain boring. But when generic and simple is applied to audio the right way, its the greatest way to force emotion of any kind in to the listener. The crazy aspect of this flip, is that I guarantee if I were to spit this in the right emotional tone, I could get someone to either cry, or get angry. Generic lines and corny simple expressionalisms under the right tone does that to listeners Ive discovered years back. so in my opinion, if I were to rap this, it wouldnt be AMAZING but it wouldnt be garbage either. But yeah, I agree....I'd give it a D in the eyes of a reader on a forum.