Audio Writing

namix · 08-17-2013, 03:54 PM

insightful feedback only please, and no clowns if avoidable lol

imma do my first audio in a minute - and having made the transition from text to audio writing a while back, it wasnt as seemless as i expected.

but in terms of strictly 'audio lyricism' - i think i was improving my audio writing by my last drop (last summer), but any feedback on what i should work on this time around? in terms of flow/etc

i'll worry about my voice and shit when im on the verge of becoming famous yo lol, until then i'll work on whats more readily in my control ;)

Certain · 08-17-2013, 04:02 PM

I don't want to make this about your voice, since you said not to, but I think it's important to write to your own voice. Your annunciation isn't great when your assonance or rhymes get too heavy. Perhaps stripping down a bit on that end of the complexity would make it a bit easier to understand. Then again, that echo effect may be the biggest culprit.

I also thought you pronounced words strangely a few times simply to get the rhyme. The advantage of rhyming off the same sound for an entire verse is much more evident in text than on audio, so don't be afraid to switch up. Besides, you already had a whole bunch of pauses (which I didn't care for because they were so numerous) where the rhyme switch would have been very natural.

Edit: I actually liked this a lot. Your wordplay translated better than I would have expected, though having a lyric video definitely helps that. I thought "wiping away the dirt poor like Oxyclean" was probably the standout line. So there's no reason to go writing another whiny diss verse about how people criticize you. You're very, very good. The criticisms come out harsh because we all know that and know you know that.

Wise Wiggles · 08-17-2013, 04:06 PM

cool

green house line was dope imo

Xnub · 08-17-2013, 04:48 PM

This was dope. @namix

I think you rhyme waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many syllables tho.....

It almost sounds nursery rhyme-ish because you use so many multis.

Audio and Text, Apples and Oranges...

Try to dumb down your verse a little bit in your audio, and I think it will come off much smoother.

You just have to find your comfort zone w/ a mic, then you can start to switch shit up. Think simple... People's attention spans can't soak up all those syllables and wordplay w/ such a monotonous flow.

Possibly experiment w/ the way you spit each verse... For example, how ludacris changes his voice volume or tone... Or you can fuck w/ how fast you rhyme.

Def experiment w/ using different end rhymes... rhyming less syllables... Putting more emotion into the way you spit it, and diversifying your flow and delivery.

Xnub · 08-17-2013, 04:51 PM

Watch Fresco vs Rone.... Fresco's flow and delivery are top notch imo.

This is part of Fresco's first verse... I thought it was fire.

but since I'm white...
I got so many ways to diss you that I'm playful wit you
matrix kick you, make you think a fucking space ship hit you.
You find ya dad's gay porn mag so now he's angry wit you
cus you left a stain on every page you flipped through in the april issue
See, you want a good showing here tonight so I don't care if ya laughing.
You can't beat me at this hear. You would sware I was sampson.
I'd have to go off the head in his hometown to be fair when I'm rappin.
so on this stage.. he just trying to top himself like Marilyn Manson.
but your not like marilyn for the rest of it... So my bad if that's a diss to dude...
that comparisons just a testament to how Adam had some ribs removed.
Then God made the tree. You tried to shoot em' a prayer.
but what price would pay to eat the fruit it could bare.
I'll take the absolute value from the root of this square
and send him to a higher power when I cube it from there.
See, someday you'll get divorced but still in love w/ ya ex-wife.
even tho she take ya money and only let you have sex twice.
Then she'll whisk away to mexico and crash n' die on that express flight
and reincarnate in her next life as my fleshlight.
splash.

Dove Dozer · 08-17-2013, 05:01 PM

@namix link me to the audio i wanna hear this. Ill give honest helpful feedback

Xnub · 08-17-2013, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nO gOoD!

@namix link me to the audio i wanna hear this. Ill give honest helpful feedback

it's a youtube video.... he did link it.

oats · 08-17-2013, 05:11 PM

This was actually pretty fresh to me.

Vulgar · 08-17-2013, 05:16 PM

Dope

Dove Dozer · 08-17-2013, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xnub

it's a youtube video.... he did link it.

Right. But my phones being gay so i need tha actual link to it. Or at least the name of it to search youtube

Xnub · 08-17-2013, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vulgar

Dope

Very insightful...

Jeez, is this guy just TOO good to critique or something?

Last thing I'll say, because I know my opinion isn't respected much here... but if there was a hierarchy for what makes good text...

It might go:

1) Concepts/Creativity
2) Word Play/Similes/Metaphor
3) Flow/Wording

However, Audio might be:

1) Cadence(flow)/wording
2) Voice/Presence
3) Wordplay/metaphors etc
4) concepts/message

Just my 2 cents... I thought it was dope too, don't get me wrong. I DEFINITELY see some room for improvement though.

edit: @nO gOoD!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=jkA4lnsIqKE

Vulgar · 08-17-2013, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xnub

Very insightful...

Jeez, is this guy just TOO good to critique or something?

Last thing I'll say, because I know my opinion isn't respected much here... but if there was a hierarchy for what makes good text...

lol you alright buddy? I suck at audio and I liked this enough to download it, so I called it dope.

Certain · 08-17-2013, 05:53 PM

It's one thing to offer feedback. It's another to criticize other people's.

Dove Dozer · 08-17-2013, 09:39 PM

This was mad nice @namix.

I think its just all down to experience, but this came off nice.

Flow was dope and your delivery was real solid for someone who is new to audio format. I liked your presence. Which i think with practice, your gonna find yourself. Try different themes. Sad happy club style.. diversify the mood your in when spitting on the mic and your golden.

Real solid peice here bruh. Keep this up.

Holler.

namix · 08-18-2013, 11:59 AM

good feedback fellas

i get what you're saying serpent - good breakdown. likewise xnub & no good, preciate it.

thanks for the love vulgar, glad you dug it bro

08-18-2013, 12:43 PM

@namix I got u on the audio forefront u already kno

holla at ya boy

08-17-2013, 04:02 PM	#2
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899403	I don't want to make this about your voice, since you said not to, but I think it's important to write to your own voice. Your annunciation isn't great when your assonance or rhymes get too heavy. Perhaps stripping down a bit on that end of the complexity would make it a bit easier to understand. Then again, that echo effect may be the biggest culprit. I also thought you pronounced words strangely a few times simply to get the rhyme. The advantage of rhyming off the same sound for an entire verse is much more evident in text than on audio, so don't be afraid to switch up. Besides, you already had a whole bunch of pauses (which I didn't care for because they were so numerous) where the rhyme switch would have been very natural. Edit: I actually liked this a lot. Your wordplay translated better than I would have expected, though having a lyric video definitely helps that. I thought "wiping away the dirt poor like Oxyclean" was probably the standout line. So there's no reason to go writing another whiny diss verse about how people criticize you. You're very, very good. The criticisms come out harsh because we all know that and know you know that. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. Last edited by Certain; 08-17-2013 at 04:07 PM.

08-17-2013, 04:06 PM	#3
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,507 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788019	cool green house line was dope imo __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

08-17-2013, 04:48 PM	#4
Xnub SZNUBBED Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: California Posts: 286 Battle Record: 5-13 Rep Power: 34	This was dope. @namix I think you rhyme waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many syllables tho..... It almost sounds nursery rhyme-ish because you use so many multis. Audio and Text, Apples and Oranges... Try to dumb down your verse a little bit in your audio, and I think it will come off much smoother. You just have to find your comfort zone w/ a mic, then you can start to switch shit up. Think simple... People's attention spans can't soak up all those syllables and wordplay w/ such a monotonous flow. Possibly experiment w/ the way you spit each verse... For example, how ludacris changes his voice volume or tone... Or you can fuck w/ how fast you rhyme. Def experiment w/ using different end rhymes... rhyming less syllables... Putting more emotion into the way you spit it, and diversifying your flow and delivery. Last edited by Xnub; 08-17-2013 at 05:06 PM.

08-17-2013, 04:51 PM	#5
Xnub SZNUBBED Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: California Posts: 286 Battle Record: 5-13 Rep Power: 34	Watch Fresco vs Rone.... Fresco's flow and delivery are top notch imo. This is part of Fresco's first verse... I thought it was fire. but since I'm white... I got so many ways to diss you that I'm playful wit you matrix kick you, make you think a fucking space ship hit you. You find ya dad's gay porn mag so now he's angry wit you cus you left a stain on every page you flipped through in the april issue See, you want a good showing here tonight so I don't care if ya laughing. You can't beat me at this hear. You would sware I was sampson. I'd have to go off the head in his hometown to be fair when I'm rappin. so on this stage.. he just trying to top himself like Marilyn Manson. but your not like marilyn for the rest of it... So my bad if that's a diss to dude... that comparisons just a testament to how Adam had some ribs removed. Then God made the tree. You tried to shoot em' a prayer. but what price would pay to eat the fruit it could bare. I'll take the absolute value from the root of this square and send him to a higher power when I cube it from there. See, someday you'll get divorced but still in love w/ ya ex-wife. even tho she take ya money and only let you have sex twice. Then she'll whisk away to mexico and crash n' die on that express flight and reincarnate in her next life as my fleshlight. splash. Last edited by Xnub; 08-17-2013 at 05:04 PM.

08-17-2013, 05:01 PM	#6
Dove Dozer loose leaf bruce lee Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,079 Battle Record: 7-6 Rep Power: 1853213	@namix link me to the audio i wanna hear this. Ill give honest helpful feedback __________________

08-17-2013, 05:11 PM	#8
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,075 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005425	This was actually pretty fresh to me.

08-17-2013, 05:16 PM	#9
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	Dope

08-17-2013, 05:53 PM	#13
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899403	It's one thing to offer feedback. It's another to criticize other people's. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

08-17-2013, 09:39 PM	#14
Dove Dozer loose leaf bruce lee Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,079 Battle Record: 7-6 Rep Power: 1853213	This was mad nice @namix. I think its just all down to experience, but this came off nice. Flow was dope and your delivery was real solid for someone who is new to audio format. I liked your presence. Which i think with practice, your gonna find yourself. Try different themes. Sad happy club style.. diversify the mood your in when spitting on the mic and your golden. Real solid peice here bruh. Keep this up. Holler. __________________

08-18-2013, 11:59 AM	#15
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,260 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246652	good feedback fellas i get what you're saying serpent - good breakdown. likewise xnub & no good, preciate it. thanks for the love vulgar, glad you dug it bro __________________ well fed.

08-18-2013, 12:43 PM	#16
Rawn M.D. Guest Posts: n/a	@namix I got u on the audio forefront u already kno holla at ya boy