Astroglide.

[Certain]

The walls are bubbling. Water damage,
it could all come tumbling down.
But before I can stall my stumbling,
I fall. The bumbling clown finds his first laugh.
The mindless words snap with ease,
but beliefs are a timeless burlap
to store your sorrows in, so find a church fast.
Pour the porridge into three bowls of different size,
and watch as the pretty blonde robs these bitches blind.
If you did survive the grits and grime, you'd probably look at God in a vivid light.
But I haven't had shit to fight.
I'll gather a spliff and write about madness that visits nights
and weekends. My sleep ends when I get home from work.
Bemoaned, I turn over in bed, but stone-sober I fled to cold-shoulder events.
I'm thrown over the edge by vicious bitches. Alone at church,
this apartment is my only perch.

And I've got to hang my hat somewhere.

[PancakeBrah]

I'll be direct, the first four lines are lost on me. Seems metaphoric, since the rest of the piece works in that direction. The humbling clown throws me off. Are you just saying you've been humbled, and the 'humbling clown' is just a lyrical device to say that in a more creative way? IT'S A RIDDLE WRAPPED WITHIN A JOINT INSIDE OF A WORMHOLE COMPOSED OF ASTROGLIDE.

Anyway,

"Pour the porridge into three bowls of different size,
and watch as the pretty blonde robs these bitches blind.
If you did survive the grits and grime, you'd probably look at God in a vivid light.
But I haven't had shit to fight.
I'll gather a spliff and write about madness that visits nights
and weekends. My sleep ends when I get home from work.
Bemoaned, I turn over in bed, but stone-sober I fled to cold-shoulder events.
I'm thrown over the edge by vicious bitches. Alone at church,
this apartment is my only perch.

And I've got to hang my hat somewhere."

That's strong writing, Mr. Serpent. Seems like, at least this portion, is about modern existentialism. In particular, 'if you survive the grits and grim, you probably look at God in a vivid light' and the subsequent 2 1/2 lines thereafter. I remember an episode of The Sopranos wherein Tony grills Dr. Melfi for the fact that American society has turned into a bunch of bitches, complaining about emotions and feelings whereas there are people in the world who can't survive for basic needs. I think that run of lines is in the same vein. You're disenfranchised and perhaps a bit depressed because there's no truly overt struggle, one that would instill in you a respect for religion and it's purported benefits. A bit jaded, a more pragmatic turn for you instead. Just ground yourself in the escapism of marijuana. The 'my sleep ends' idea also runs parallel with the existential quandary. Lack of purpose, and the soul-sucking aspects of workaday life. Trying to find worth in work is lost, just an extension of sleep. The three little bears metaphor is bold because I thought it kicked ass in terms of wording. I'm not sure of a deeper meaning although I'm sure there is one. It'd be only guess work, maybe a feeling of alienation from females. Divorce or something. Again, I don't have it pinned down. "I've got to hang my hat somewhere" is a perfect ending if I've interpreted the piece correctly so far. Joyless, perfunctory (I've used that word twice today! Yay for me).

Cool drop.

[Split]

in this piece your wording seems almost laboriously sparse. it doesn't detract from the verse.

the internal rhymes are also curiously placed. slightly offset from the beginning and end of lines- or more correctly pauses. it gives the verse a 'collapsing' or 'progressing' feel, since the anticipation of a rhyme is drawn out by a syllable or so, and a stronger rhyme or pause occurs immediately after.

like expectation, fulfillment without the joy, then a quick adjustment to compensate. if you've ever rode a multi-speed bike it feels like changing from gear 3-2 to 3-3 or some place where the chain is stretched at an angle

on to the content of the verse. 'stone sober/ cold shoulder events' was by far the highlight for me. strongly written, placed in the right portion of the verse.


the first chunk, up to find a church fast, seemed to demonstrate how we ascribe the consequences for our actions to fate/ nature rather than the other way around. things, more or less, fall into place. when we do nothing, if that's all we're capable of, then they do slowly sink into stasis

like astroglide?

however, the tone seems to say that when you lay your claim to be at the mercy of an outside force, you are unburdened. but this means that you are at the whims of whatever force that may be.

strong wordplay btw. grits/ porridge. stall my stumbling/ fall.

the mundane nature of everything seems to bother you. strong themes of battling with religion. being a victim, perhaps.

this nicely captures the feeling of being drained of emotion. not much frustration, just dull pounding resentment.

i feel as though i am missing a connection or two. too tired maybe. i'll check again tomorrow


good writing. i'll be on the lookout for more.

[Certain]

Thank you both for the feedback, @PancakeBrah and @Split Eight. Your takes on this verse's meaning are fascinating.

With free verses such as this one, I prefer to keep the contextual meaning to myself. Those metaphors mask important personal moments and realizations. But I do have one admission that maybe (or maybe not) will help: "Humbling" was a typo; "bumbling" was the intended word. I read right over it before posting.

And I prefer The Bends.

[Sho Money EMG]

Woo this shit was fire homie, def feeling this... Good topic def interesting to me and was well thrilled here

Fav parts


The walls are bubbling. Water damage,
it could all come tumbling down.
But before I can stall my stumbling,
I fall. The bumbling clown finds his first laugh.
The mindless words snap with ease,
but beliefs are a timeless burlap
to store your sorrows in, so find a church fast.
Pour the porridge into three bowls of different size,
and watch as the pretty blonde robs these bitches blind.
If you did survive the grits and grime, you'd probably look at God in a vivid light.
But I haven't had shit to fight.
I'll gather a spliff and write about madness that visits nights

Woo the rob em blind dope... Great work

[CopyPat]

haha yeah this is the other one i liked... i just really like ur scheming man. flat out i just appreciate the actual flow and rhymes themselves more than anything else.

ur honesty again is quite refreshing.. not acting like ur tryna be tough or anything else. just realness. good shit

robbing bitches blind and:
Bemoaned, I turn over in bed, but stone-sober I fled to cold-shoulder events.

that... were the quotables. dope

[God Of War]

this one i actually like bette rhten the other one

i think the scheme is what sets it off, it come off to me as a poetry jam type piece, or an openmic poetry piece where the artists gets into it and emphasises the last couple words of each rhyme part loudly u know like itd be


The walls are bubbling. Water damage,
it could all come tumbling down.

But before I can stall my stumbling,
I fall. The bumbling clown---finds his first laugh.
The mindless words snap with ease,



like finds his first laugh would be said lower then bumbling clown rofl but yeah the scheme was cool here

hate how u used church twice in such a small section but still cool

better then ok cupid

[Geno]

I thought the flow and content were very unique and creatively wise.

Had some seriously stand out areas along with a few questionable thoughts in there. For me though, as a whole. This was a sick drop.

Will break okcupid down better when I open it later. 1