|
06-05-2013, 04:03 AM
|
#1 |
|
ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,563
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
Rep Power: 8181113   |
right me back
I write what I think while I try ta define my style
But how I'm supposed ta enjoy it when I can't even find my smile? Don't get it twisted its just that ima misfit Outta place wit everything, either a genius or a nitwit. Bitch sit, ima asshole that believes in chivalry, Now let me help you up dear, your feet are fuckin killing me. Take those damn heels off lay back on the bed, Try to understand me while I get (into your) head. I'm a hopeless romantic with spastic anger outburst Like a love scene in my head but I can't play it outward, It starts off slow kissing with you onto top of me Then I mug an rape you for not playing the part properly. I see, said my therapist. Is it fair to guess your not acting out? Is your rationale balanced or...wait are you passing out!? Na bitch I'm good look I'm tired of the evaluation I told you the situation but your just Sittin there complacent. Put me back on my meds my heads playing tricks on me right? Can you believe I actually thought living was worth life? I don't mean life ain't worth livin given the circumstances my life just ain't worth givin! Why bother devoting it to somebody when I'm as miserable as this? Isn't it visible I'm at the point where I'm bout as good as it gets? Thats some sad shit to admit, When happiness is just a promise that's broken more than the skin on my wrist! Ok that was sad its actually an old habit But the scars remain there to remind of all the bad shit. Fuck it shrink I'm leavin you ain't deceiving me with brighter days Ima keep medicatin myself an see if I can write/right my ways.
__________________
 |
|
|
|
06-05-2013, 04:05 AM
|
#2 |
|
ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,563
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
Rep Power: 8181113 |
__________________
Last edited by YDK; 06-05-2013 at 04:11 AM. |
|
|
|
|
06-05-2013, 09:57 AM
|
#3 |
|
PROVEN BITER
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Wolverhampton
Posts: 1,588
Battle Record: 5-0
Champed - The Winter Topical
Rep Power: 1809298 |
LOL I like it dude, there’s something of an Emimemitude to your writing, liked the your feet are killing me, it’s not so serious on the content and makes for a refreshing read given half the depressing pseudo-bullshit that floats around here half the time.
You’ll find some of the hardcore rhymescheme and technical mechanics heads who won’t appreciate this just for what it is, but for what it’s worth, I liked it Keep that pen moving!
__________________
PROVEN BITER |
|
|
|
|
06-05-2013, 12:32 PM
|
#4 |
|
ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,563
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
Rep Power: 8181113 |
Thanks man, took more of a relaxed approach an left some the technical shit out lol
__________________
|
|
|
|
|
06-09-2013, 07:47 PM
|
#5 |
|
Don't believe the hype
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 572
Battle Record: 4-5
Rep Power: 0   |
Put me back on my meds my heads playing tricks on me right?
Can you believe I actually thought living was worth life The last line in these two bars really halted and forced stopped the otherwise good flow above it...it crashed on me and left a negative effect for me personally. I sum that up to a transition from a more broad general narrative where you speak of things and how they relate to you universally, to a more personal ultra specific relationship with what you observe around you. Which was a poor transition. use paragraphs, don't be afraid of them. verse structure does a lot in support of a cadence, a mood and what you want your verse to do in these things. This was a good inner personality trying to come out to the surface, almost like you facing yourself and the battle within. I saw it there, which i felt you did an OK job... Layering this verse with more dimensions that make up a struggle could have served to offer this written a more polished and a more complete effect...adding in the other life ingredients and the whole package expressed with what often comes with a character like this...as it stood you touched well on a few common ones. The common ones are easy, the more interesting elements (which you left out imo) make or break a verse. Keep at it. just some thoughts kat.
__________________
What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope. Last edited by Coup; 06-09-2013 at 07:49 PM. |
|
|
|
|
06-10-2013, 12:21 AM
|
#6 |
|
Mic Check
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Calgary Alberta Canada
Posts: 708
Battle Record: 13-10
Rep Power: 3742225  |
whatup dude. i liked this. it wasn't too crazy on the technical tip but it flowed extremely smoothly and you clearly know what ur doing. i haven't really read much of your shit before but i feel like you didn't try to over complicate this one on purpose? like i said you know how to make shit roll off the tongue.. i got more of an audio vibe from this (which never seems hard but i give props to). As far as the content it was enjoyable and seemed authentic which made the simpleness of it not so big of a deal. The content was the standout in this drop dude. would be hella sick of you had some more intense scheming but i think this accomplished the goal you were lookin for. stay up and hit me back with some feed if u can
|
|
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
