Week 9: 5. Vividlyvague (5-2) vs. 6. Just Write (3-2) \\ Just Write wins 5-0

Certain · 04-21-2014, 03:25 AM

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.

Topic

“To the Death”

Good luck, @Vividlyvague and @Just Write.

e11even · 04-26-2014, 02:58 AM

I was awoken at 3 a.m. by an ominous sight,
this enormous light outside my window.
This beam was no search-and-fìnd-your-keys type.
It -felt- organic, with flesh outlying its wierd glow.
Feeling prying eyes, I stayed low, trying to hide out of sight.
But its warmth didn't die in the cold of the snow.
Instead, it stalked the exterior and tried to climb into my mind!
-"We can sense your toils, Lucas. More than you know."-
Why the hell did they want me? Why was I still alive?
-"We save the fallen and give them control..."-
Sweating and panting, what was I to decide?
Anxiety the culprit, I would buckle and slow
At the threshold, knob trembling in my hand, knuckles white.
-"We are your saviors and knights, but one payment is owed..."-
Was I to be selling my soul? Paying for sins and plagues with my life?!
-"Escape that portal. Here your might and purpose will grow."-
I breached into the unknown as a bullied teen with a miscreant's rights...
In hopes that I'd be the current, rather than go with the flow.
"I'm yours if you can cleanse all I loathe. I won't fight..."
Buzzing ambience heightened, luminescence then rose.
Lost in its essence, I never asked why...

-"Be who you care to be. Be the man you know."-
I was lowered from the interior platform, renewed, full of spite.
Fuck that. I'll be the man that claims this globe and takes control!
Every nay sayer will die! -"we gave you ability to fly,
10 times normal strength, black matter explodes
From your fingers, and speed surpassing mach 5."-

Just Write · 04-26-2014, 03:00 AM

....
........
....
I remember as a child I sat alone for hours in the grassy meadow
Watching Father practice, hearing the melodic tones of clashing metal.
I'd gather stones and enact the parts of the Empire, fighting the acting rebels,
Always played father. he was my hero, & the last known Samurai General.
His name was Takeda Szenzo, revered & respected by many, feared above all.
He had a shrine for fallen enemies, where he'd smear their blood on the wall.
My mother said "this is a reminder of the honor he has for all human life",
He would often tell me , "Yoshiro, we don't fight to kill. We fight to survive."
At such a young age, I was blind to war. I just loved my wooden blade,
dreamed of having a real one someday, like my father's that stood in it's case.
I remember the shimmer it gave, standing upright In that red & white velvet display
At the time I never imagined the helpless dismay of any individual caught in its way.
Father would say "Yoshiro, I won't always be around, you must accept your fate,
It's time to teach you about the history of our kindom and it's delicate state."
...
.....
.......

I miss my father... so many years have passed since i've felt his guidance
I remember the day he went, he said "come here" so I knelt beside him
I fell in silence as he held a letter out with the shakiest hands
He said "even though I go, there's no mistake, you've grown into a man."
As he closed his eyes and took his final breath...
I opened the letter, and this is what is said...
"Dear Yoshiro, im proud of the man you've become, never forget your lessons
Remember to follow your heart, and that family is a blessing
You were the best thing to happen to me, always know that I love you
And Ill always be there watching over, from the heavens above you."
....
.......
....

Now as I sit, preparing for battle, I write my own letter to my unborn son
" i don't fight to kill,... I fight to survive, & to make your life better before its begun,
Something are worth giving your life for, family, honor, respect...
And if it's the only way to protect them, ill gladly fight to my death

Vulgar · 04-26-2014, 09:57 AM

VividlyVague - If you want my honest opinion, this read like it was unfinished. There was a loose sense of closure. A technically interesting story about an alien abduction that enriched a man named Lucas, thereby giving him more of a reason to "live" which goes against the fabric of the topic this week. I could be off in my interpretation though..

Just Write - Good stuff. Right now you're crafting solid stories, but up your level of writing ever so slightly and you'll be a topicalist to be revered. I like old Japanese films, I actually just saw The Last Samurai on a plane ride back to the U.S. so I could identify with the characters more because of it. Nice story, overall.

I've got Just Write winning this.

PancakeBrah · 04-26-2014, 01:47 PM

Vividlyvague - Was this an unused verse from the 'Storylead' week ("You are awoken by a blinding light outside your window")? Regardless, this, like Vulgar said, seemed unfinished and any relation to the topic is tangential at best. This is weird coming from you because you're one of the most dedicated topicalists in the league. I was expecting another fun, fully fleshed out rhyme fest and I left a little confused. I did laugh at the title. What was there was good. You are one of the best in the league and dialogue. There just wasn't enough here to dissect. A verse as short as this can work if it's fully realized but that's not the case here. Every one has an off-week, I guess. Bring the real VV back brah.

Just Write - Master story teller dials it back and gives us a touching tale about family and honor. Your rhymes were a bit stronger than I remember them being previously, but I could be wrong. I enjoy stories like these. No twists, nothing crazy, confident enough to stand on it's own content without the flash and pizzazz. The opening two lines brought me in and set the scene. I thought your formatting aided you, the periods between sections. If you can dial it in and start upping your complexity in terms of rhyme mechanics and flow while still maintaining your penchant for storytelling you're a real threat.

I thought this would be the most enjoyable battle of the week. Two good storytellers with differing styles clashing over a topic that plays into their strengths. Vividlyvague had his first so-so effort in who know's how long and JW did his thing. Here's to a rematch where both show out.

v/ Just Write

timeless · 04-26-2014, 06:19 PM

Vv, this was cool for the most part, besides that it seems like it isn't finished. Your take on the topic was vague, I guess you tried to make the ending out to be the main character not surrending, fight to the death. Other than that, your flow and overall content was good, just wish it was more rounded it couldve been dope. now after reading what cake had to say, I was thinking the same thing about the story lead week lol.

Jw, first things first, the natural storytelling ability you have is dope. Nothing seems forced and one of the only few people here where readers can glide through a verse in one read feeling complete. I felt this was rushed for you, judging by your past efforts, the the last 6-10 seem distance from the first part. Felt your ending couldve had more of an impact. Not bad though at all.

Vote - just write for the more complete and enjoyable read.

Perpendicular · 04-27-2014, 12:37 AM

Vivdly: Coxswain. That show is hilarious. Current/go with the flow line was dope. Verse felt unfinished. The main characters internal battle felt unfulfilled. Had a cool opener but it flamed out before finishing.
Just Write: Strong tie into the topic. Verse was brought full circle, which was nice. It felt a little abrupt/short, but it hit the nail on the head for what you were trying to accomplish. I understand you were trying to use samurai/warrior roots to represent unspoken ideologies but using hard-to-pronounce names is a big taboo for me
Vote: just write

Zombie · 04-27-2014, 04:47 PM

I think just write delivered an excellent performance here. Vividly seemed to go one notch lower. Maybe just write saw Vivids verse and got motivated to no end. Everything about JW's verse was a bit above VV's. It just seemed he was was in 6th gear and VV never hit the clutch to go that one gear further. Exceptional. Vote goes to JW here. Enjoyable read. The most relaxing of this round.

04-21-2014, 03:25 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Week 9: 5. Vividlyvague (5-2) vs. 6. Just Write (3-2) \\ Just Write wins 5-0 Season 3 The Basics \| Read the full rules here. Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS. Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT. Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent. Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread. Topic “To the Death” Good luck, @Vividlyvague and @Just Write. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

04-26-2014, 02:58 AM	#2
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Cockswing. I was awoken at 3 a.m. by an ominous sight, this enormous light outside my window. This beam was no search-and-fìnd-your-keys type. It -felt- organic, with flesh outlying its wierd glow. Feeling prying eyes, I stayed low, trying to hide out of sight. But its warmth didn't die in the cold of the snow. Instead, it stalked the exterior and tried to climb into my mind! -"We can sense your toils, Lucas. More than you know."- Why the hell did they want me? Why was I still alive? -"We save the fallen and give them control..."- Sweating and panting, what was I to decide? Anxiety the culprit, I would buckle and slow At the threshold, knob trembling in my hand, knuckles white. -"We are your saviors and knights, but one payment is owed..."- Was I to be selling my soul? Paying for sins and plagues with my life?! -"Escape that portal. Here your might and purpose will grow."- I breached into the unknown as a bullied teen with a miscreant's rights... In hopes that I'd be the current, rather than go with the flow. "I'm yours if you can cleanse all I loathe. I won't fight..." Buzzing ambience heightened, luminescence then rose. Lost in its essence, I never asked why... -"Be who you care to be. Be the man you know."- I was lowered from the interior platform, renewed, full of spite. Fuck that. I'll be the man that claims this globe and takes control! Every nay sayer will die! -"we gave you ability to fly, 10 times normal strength, black matter explodes From your fingers, and speed surpassing mach 5."- __________________ Ahem. Last edited by e11even; 04-26-2014 at 03:07 AM.

04-26-2014, 03:00 AM	#3
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	.... ........ .... I remember as a child I sat alone for hours in the grassy meadow Watching Father practice, hearing the melodic tones of clashing metal. I'd gather stones and enact the parts of the Empire, fighting the acting rebels, Always played father. he was my hero, & the last known Samurai General. His name was Takeda Szenzo, revered & respected by many, feared above all. He had a shrine for fallen enemies, where he'd smear their blood on the wall. My mother said "this is a reminder of the honor he has for all human life", He would often tell me , "Yoshiro, we don't fight to kill. We fight to survive." At such a young age, I was blind to war. I just loved my wooden blade, dreamed of having a real one someday, like my father's that stood in it's case. I remember the shimmer it gave, standing upright In that red & white velvet display At the time I never imagined the helpless dismay of any individual caught in its way. Father would say "Yoshiro, I won't always be around, you must accept your fate, It's time to teach you about the history of our kindom and it's delicate state." ... ..... ....... I miss my father... so many years have passed since i've felt his guidance I remember the day he went, he said "come here" so I knelt beside him I fell in silence as he held a letter out with the shakiest hands He said "even though I go, there's no mistake, you've grown into a man." As he closed his eyes and took his final breath... I opened the letter, and this is what is said... "Dear Yoshiro, im proud of the man you've become, never forget your lessons Remember to follow your heart, and that family is a blessing You were the best thing to happen to me, always know that I love you And Ill always be there watching over, from the heavens above you." .... ....... .... Now as I sit, preparing for battle, I write my own letter to my unborn son " i don't fight to kill,... I fight to survive, & to make your life better before its begun, Something are worth giving your life for, family, honor, respect... And if it's the only way to protect them, ill gladly fight to my death __________________ Last edited by Just Write; 04-26-2014 at 03:27 AM.

04-26-2014, 01:47 PM	#5
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	Vividlyvague - Was this an unused verse from the 'Storylead' week ("You are awoken by a blinding light outside your window")? Regardless, this, like Vulgar said, seemed unfinished and any relation to the topic is tangential at best. This is weird coming from you because you're one of the most dedicated topicalists in the league. I was expecting another fun, fully fleshed out rhyme fest and I left a little confused. I did laugh at the title. What was there was good. You are one of the best in the league and dialogue. There just wasn't enough here to dissect. A verse as short as this can work if it's fully realized but that's not the case here. Every one has an off-week, I guess. Bring the real VV back brah. Just Write - Master story teller dials it back and gives us a touching tale about family and honor. Your rhymes were a bit stronger than I remember them being previously, but I could be wrong. I enjoy stories like these. No twists, nothing crazy, confident enough to stand on it's own content without the flash and pizzazz. The opening two lines brought me in and set the scene. I thought your formatting aided you, the periods between sections. If you can dial it in and start upping your complexity in terms of rhyme mechanics and flow while still maintaining your penchant for storytelling you're a real threat. I thought this would be the most enjoyable battle of the week. Two good storytellers with differing styles clashing over a topic that plays into their strengths. Vividlyvague had his first so-so effort in who know's how long and JW did his thing. Here's to a rematch where both show out. v/ Just Write __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

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04-26-2014, 09:57 AM	#4
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	VividlyVague - If you want my honest opinion, this read like it was unfinished. There was a loose sense of closure. A technically interesting story about an alien abduction that enriched a man named Lucas, thereby giving him more of a reason to "live" which goes against the fabric of the topic this week. I could be off in my interpretation though.. Just Write - Good stuff. Right now you're crafting solid stories, but up your level of writing ever so slightly and you'll be a topicalist to be revered. I like old Japanese films, I actually just saw The Last Samurai on a plane ride back to the U.S. so I could identify with the characters more because of it. Nice story, overall. I've got Just Write winning this.

04-26-2014, 06:19 PM	#6
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,623 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341329	Vv, this was cool for the most part, besides that it seems like it isn't finished. Your take on the topic was vague, I guess you tried to make the ending out to be the main character not surrending, fight to the death. Other than that, your flow and overall content was good, just wish it was more rounded it couldve been dope. now after reading what cake had to say, I was thinking the same thing about the story lead week lol. Jw, first things first, the natural storytelling ability you have is dope. Nothing seems forced and one of the only few people here where readers can glide through a verse in one read feeling complete. I felt this was rushed for you, judging by your past efforts, the the last 6-10 seem distance from the first part. Felt your ending couldve had more of an impact. Not bad though at all. Vote - just write for the more complete and enjoyable read.

04-27-2014, 12:37 AM	#7
Perpendicular Running Right Through You Join Date: Apr 2014 Posts: 31 Battle Record: 1-3 Rep Power: 9650	Vivdly: Coxswain. That show is hilarious. Current/go with the flow line was dope. Verse felt unfinished. The main characters internal battle felt unfulfilled. Had a cool opener but it flamed out before finishing. Just Write: Strong tie into the topic. Verse was brought full circle, which was nice. It felt a little abrupt/short, but it hit the nail on the head for what you were trying to accomplish. I understand you were trying to use samurai/warrior roots to represent unspoken ideologies but using hard-to-pronounce names is a big taboo for me Vote: just write

04-27-2014, 04:47 PM	#8
Zombie Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 125 Battle Record: 5-0 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 2645340	I think just write delivered an excellent performance here. Vividly seemed to go one notch lower. Maybe just write saw Vivids verse and got motivated to no end. Everything about JW's verse was a bit above VV's. It just seemed he was was in 6th gear and VV never hit the clutch to go that one gear further. Exceptional. Vote goes to JW here. Enjoyable read. The most relaxing of this round.