Water is for wise men

Mac · 03-02-2013, 03:32 PM

I gave up hopes of ever becoming sober
trying to quit drinks made me a frequent smoker
My weak willpower determined i wasn't strong enough
and due my anger issues i had to keep distance from everyone
I lost everything, there was no reason to keep drinking
but I had to compensate the fact I was still breathing
The alcohol is the fuel that keeps me drinking more
i can't answer questions as my mind's never clear

I can't focus on anything, i get distracted easily
all mondays i wake up in a bar without my shoes & money
My wife left me and took the children without any warning
i refuse to give her my properties & the lawyer keeps calling
I decided to gather forces and stay sober for a long time
and reach the happyness mountain I could never climb

It's been six years since I had a drink
i have a job, family and now i can think
Then suddendly I got an anonymous call,
saying that my mother crashed her vehicle into a wall..
I assisted to her funeral then went to a bar pain
woke up in the monday with nothing.. once again

Geno · 03-02-2013, 03:34 PM

"But I had to compensate the fact I was still breathing"
Depthhhhh

Hopefully you've signed into the aowl. You have some talent, apply it there!

PancakeBrah · 03-02-2013, 03:36 PM

I lost everything, there was no reason to keep drinking
but I had to compensate the fact I was still breathing

That was cool.

Didn't like the rest.

Mac · 03-02-2013, 04:20 PM

lol, the verse is abit rusty as i didn't like the aowl topic but thanks.. for that small feedback.

PancakeBrah · 03-02-2013, 06:44 PM

Don't be so sensitive.

Ink · 03-02-2013, 08:09 PM

this verse felt pretty lacking in depth and the rhymes weren't exactly exciting..
You presented us with your character and his position.. and then all of a sudden, a few years forward, everything is fixed, his mom died, and everything is back where it was. It read like a fast-forwarded version of a longer, more detailed, piece.. I didn't feel any connection to the character, because there wasn't much to draw us into your story..

I think if you spent more time developing the story more, this would be pretty solid.

03-02-2013, 03:32 PM	#1
Mac Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 480 Battle Record: 7-12 Rep Power: 1856622	Water is for wise men I gave up hopes of ever becoming sober trying to quit drinks made me a frequent smoker My weak willpower determined i wasn't strong enough and due my anger issues i had to keep distance from everyone I lost everything, there was no reason to keep drinking but I had to compensate the fact I was still breathing The alcohol is the fuel that keeps me drinking more i can't answer questions as my mind's never clear I can't focus on anything, i get distracted easily all mondays i wake up in a bar without my shoes & money My wife left me and took the children without any warning i refuse to give her my properties & the lawyer keeps calling I decided to gather forces and stay sober for a long time and reach the happyness mountain I could never climb It's been six years since I had a drink i have a job, family and now i can think Then suddendly I got an anonymous call, saying that my mother crashed her vehicle into a wall.. I assisted to her funeral then went to a bar pain woke up in the monday with nothing.. once again

03-02-2013, 03:34 PM	#2
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	"But I had to compensate the fact I was still breathing" Depthhhhh Hopefully you've signed into the aowl. You have some talent, apply it there! __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

03-02-2013, 03:36 PM	#3
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	I lost everything, there was no reason to keep drinking but I had to compensate the fact I was still breathing That was cool. Didn't like the rest. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

03-02-2013, 06:44 PM	#5
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	Don't be so sensitive. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

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03-02-2013, 04:20 PM	#4
Mac Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 480 Battle Record: 7-12 Rep Power: 1856622	lol, the verse is abit rusty as i didn't like the aowl topic but thanks.. for that small feedback.

03-02-2013, 08:09 PM	#6
Ink Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 329 Battle Record: 5-5 Rep Power: 60	this verse felt pretty lacking in depth and the rhymes weren't exactly exciting.. You presented us with your character and his position.. and then all of a sudden, a few years forward, everything is fixed, his mom died, and everything is back where it was. It read like a fast-forwarded version of a longer, more detailed, piece.. I didn't feel any connection to the character, because there wasn't much to draw us into your story.. I think if you spent more time developing the story more, this would be pretty solid.