November review for netcees.com OM section

[zygote]

November review for www.netcees.co Open Mic section.

Greetings all members, this is a short effort to highlight and review some of the uploads for November and these few days of December. Uploads were chosen for the short review by just a random cross section along with some individually picked uploads. Again, like the last review it will follow a copy and paste template and just a sample of perhaps 20 or so will be reviewed. The format is; Username: “Title” URL – date.

Cross section of uploads for November:

breathless: “Not now Jerry.” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=29429 - 11-01-2013

“I'm about to be done smokin, my lungs are broken
I got flows to bust, but, I'm just chokin
The window of opportunity must've been pushed open
'cause the wind that'll rush in holds a good coldness”

Short review: It was a great way to start the review process after finding this submission. It contained a discussion on religion, government, history, and belief systems in general. This one also contains a hyperlink to a spoken version of the text, you can listen while reading if you want.

Vividlyvague : “RolePlay” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30047 - 11-04-2013
“The delicate balance of life rests on but a few variables-
from conception to burial, gated residences to barrios.
What makes us US? What does it take to undo this?
One usually won't know short of what would push us through it...”

Short review: Very long submission, perhaps 100+ lines, if you enjoy to read a story in rhyming format you will probably enjoy to read this submission. The use of specific names and ages in parts at times gives the writing the style of a screenplay or script or something like that. Also, it makes use of a lot of sound effect words, I think the technique is called onomatopoeia. It is an entertaining, lengthy and interesting story.

Zombie : “Exodus Eve” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30985 - 11-08-2013

“ever gathered a segment that drifts in defection?
basked at an intervention. Scissored inception?
Inoculated love lectures, from a blistered injection?
Wilt your detection. In the arm there's sharp pains. you nudge pressure?
you're insane, then..”

Short review: This was very interesting apparently a homage in the style of the user deadman, there are some humorous parts if you are familiar with the style. Even if you are not you can still appreciate the rhyming mechanics if you enjoy those aspects.

Mizz Millionaire : “Mr Independent” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31517 – 11-10-2013

“It something about the way he way he moves,
Cuz He walk like a boss,
talk like a boss.
He's so fly,
He move like a boss.
He do what boss do,
I'm make him mine.”

Short review: This is a short poem and actually it was pretty good for what it was. The only things missing are some small words, like the words ‘it’ , ‘this’ and ‘is’ throughout. I think this user has English as a second language, that is often the case in people who forget to use these small joining words as they sometimes do not have an equivalent.

Objective: “.:: Desperation ::.” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31241 - 11-08-2013

“When he wrote songs she got lost in the melodies,
he played with her senses channeling creative energies.
The tunes would guide her to a world void of things,
it'd conquer her soul as if it was attached to strings.“

Short review: It was based on a picture of an individual playing the guitar the guitar also makes the shadowy image of woman, the hair also looks a bit like the roots of a tree. I enjoy Objectives writing but here I think it was very descriptive and focused, he has a good imagination when allowing the different themes to wander and intermingle, and perhaps this writing was a bit too restrained.

CopyPat: “Boss Linguist” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31518 - 11-10-2013
“Sink in my cot, pajamas, drinking an Arnold Palmer. Thinkin about ya momma and my dink is Barack Obama. (all Schicked there’s not a..visible hair on it). I’m a tall drink of water, you a single drop aquatic. I’m all things Nevada, spittin all exotic. The All England. Proper-Form English talker. Boss linguist, often bored with you yawners.”

Short review: Some entertaining display of rhyming and interesting boasting phrases. CopyPat is altering his style I think, there are less and less sporting references and things like that, also there is a use of different words, more and more diverse references drawn from all sorts of areas. I like it because it’s harder to predict while reading, some of the unexpected lines are really great.

Split Eight: “postcard from Indiana” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31879 - 11-12-2013
“italicized.
between the coughs, and cigarettes,
we stretched connected dots of Christmas specks.
leaking frost, gossamer breath in the somber winterette.
introspectrum. grays, mostly. coffee grounds, kettle, pot,”

Short review: Some good different use of phrases to create a mental image. There is a good analysis in the comments section too.

dull boy: “I rhyme too much.” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=32936 - 11-15-2013
“I'm more depressed than you. It isn't a competition, but my initial thoughts on an opening line compels me to say it. It's an assumption, but one I make not entirely earnest. It's just a tool to make you feel. This is what apathy looks like. I sit down to write a verse, and wind up tearing myself and what I do apart. Because it all seems so pretentious. Look at me, everyone. I'm special.”

Short review: Some introspective and reflective writing, kind of breaking small individual things down and looking at them very critically. Also enjoyed the neutral and objective writing tone, by just describing without adding adjectives or any big emotional context it allowed for a clearer introspection and made it very interesting. Also there is a funny comment in response by a different user.

dead man : “deadman: Nirvonnegut” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=32170 - 11-13-2013

“dear diary:


i'm pathologically scarred. mommy issues and a father afar
stop to recall, deep thought between each shot at the bar
composite bizarre - Kurt Nirvonnegut, pause - Mr. misanthropic noir
zombie apocalypse pawn turned neurotic topical star
i've accomplished it all. top of the charts. Raekwon with a dart
when i'm not even focused i'm an unconscious assault”

Short review: The economy of words and conciseness is a big strength and the writing technique stands out a lot because of it. In a way the strength of the writing comes from the numerous well worded one liners, kind of like a collection of rhyming maxims. There is an interesting exchange in the comments. Perhaps the comment was seeking more of an overall thematic aspect, or some thread tying all the different one liners together. I think it was more of a deliberate choice here by dead man to link the different thoughts together only tangentially.

The Mind Assassin: “the Director wants my soul” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33468 - 11-18-2013

“Office space creates dystopian states
we should play our role, and know our place
my Spirit sighs flies and hides without a trace
while the mind’s eyes demise coincides with honored fakes
oh that’s so Caulfield, staff beating patients on the ball field
meet and greeting, it’s all sealed so laws yield”

Short review: Enjoyed this one a lot. Only the last lines of each section I feel didn’t fit in with the rest, but I think that they were deliberately intended to be jarring. The sections about Jesus and maturing love were good.

brokenhal0 : “stick rice” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33169 - 11-17-2013
“a pleseant presence a lesser epic a denser spirit etheric merit
kill the dead Donald Pleasence put the stress to rest exit hysterics

its hard to say you need a second to hear it from far away
lyric by lyric L.I.E exits smoke skunk dust ferret weasel with it
scumbags my friends tho kenpo disarms harm the sinful”
Short review: There is a very interesting aspect to the thought process and rhymes, the writing often goes in directions that are unexpected. It’s enjoyable to read it, if I see one submission with the brokenhal0 username it is always entertaining, the rhyming also seems to be more refined without losing its individual style.

Mike Wrecka : “Harbingers of Death ft. Neighbor and Genocide” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28554 - 11-22-2013

“I'm the definition of raw; 7 Sins for the benefit of The Law
Leave Heaven stripped of its God, no benediction, the Devil lives in us all”
&
“these lames cant handle the tension my sentences bring,
got them shakin like the ropes when Ultimate Warrior enters the wrestling ring, “
&
“Prophets of death, that're Bombing the set
Promise the rest, there ain't been a dope enough conglomerate yet”

Short review: Some collaboration with an emphasis on the aggressive phrase and complicated rhyming. There was also some alliteration aspect from all three, not sure if it was intentional or not, but it was still interesting, you will enjoy to read this if you enjoy the rhyming and aggressive lines.

Mr. J “Paradoxically Speaking The Paris Clock Is Leaking..Dali” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31635 - 11-11-2013

“Broken outta tune & focus..losers notice sent from the lower lip & where the holster sits. stakes is high so I'm taking pride in making mine. peppered in a iron skillet the iron villain . war machine with a retiring skill set. firing steel pegs at a dart board. Heavy breathing the dark lord choking the life in a condor. Holding galaxies what you flipping pogs for? down in the slammer. abra kadabra in magic pajamas. Packing a hammer and framing Trinity.”

Short review: Mr. J is one of the users with a high output and this is a submission with an experimental aspect. Some of the comments also noted that it picks up a lot of momentum as the writing continues on.

Buddha : "Legion" http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33284 - 11-17-2013

“You wish, you were as dope as me. A coma dream alone. A beast at home. At ease. Watch closely and learn what hopeless means. A moment of peace bashing through Roman streets on this path, soldiers creep screaming "Attack!!" like Polish freaks. No, wait, sit back, just grab you some oval-tine, and when you get back, I'll nap on your sofa, please?”

Short review: All these reviews only copy and paste the start to each submission, but in this one the best parts came later. There is a good display of rhyming here. I would like to see an expansion on Buddha’s two perspectives he brought up in the end there, Buddhism and Marxism. I think it’s a good combo would be interesting to read it in a rhyming format.

Certain : “A house, a home.” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=36730 - 12-03-2013
“The screen door slammed shut. It always had, ever since Trevor broke through it that Friday to show his dad he had passed cuts. He held his new jersey, all gassed up, a total spaz, and Gerald patted his son on the back and choked a laugh. Lucinda would gloat and brag to her friends about her firstborn's varsity jacket. Jessica rode to his games with the car seat in backward, harnessed and strapped in. Trev broke his left tibia. He limped his ass to the games anyway and held the screen door open fast with his crutch while hopping with the cast. It always slammed.”

Short review: There are at least three reasons why this submission was so entertaining, but I will try to be brief. Firstly, the synthesis of style and theme/language and concept, the language is straightforward, it is very fitting considering that it was written like an old memory. Secondly, tying different aspects of the house to specific memories and events. For example, the garden is compared to the memory of the mother character, while the closed window frame compared to the adolescent and parental relationship. Thirdly, the characterization with minimal effort. For example, the great character at the end the real estate agent who had the dialogue so “smug with the siblings” - just the word smug by itself is enough to give a strong characterization. This minimal style is really great, there were some other parts like that too throughout. Recommending this one and also giving a nomination for entrance into netcees.com hall of fame.

Nigma : “Pandora's Box” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=34444 - 11-22-2013

“I woke up from a dream with my sheets around me
Something in my sleep aroused me, stumbled somewhere deep
Complete with heaping piles of peoples shouts and screaming out
They're needing help and nothing I can reach could meld it
Felt it like I'd been myself, the scene cuts out, I've bleeped out pieces
Keep it secret, need releasing, NEEDS IT NOW
I vowed to seek assistance and be deemed forgiven”

Short review: After reading through the comments again for the review process, I see I missed the point of it initially. I thought it was just a boasting type of writing but it was actually a concept driven one, this was a good subtle one, it was good to read it while better understanding the objective of it.

Vulgar : “Aztec Lazer Tag (Vulg and oXus)” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33053 - 11-16-2013

“Stealth hunters ran with katanas, drawn towards the sculpted terrace gates
The Sovereign Kong-Shah's felt compelled to stay - Amon Ra's shelled the bay
just in case of sticky situations, wondering if Trojan Horses defecate
Sultan's forge emanates the spirit of a northern-born elk today”
&
“Banal words a man wears which I’d just love to etch away -
In an age of sk-ink: stars & the ilk provoke my sense of taste
until I’m forced to plant a poleaxe in your prolapsed chest, okay?
Metal-plated necro-shamans peddle basics for new pig-lets of Bay,”

Short review: Almost an overload of diverse references, if you like to read some different types of words and references to things you will enjoy this a lot. Here is a short highlight of some of the different things alluded to “Oliphant” “flower for Algernon” “Kurosawa’s seven saints” “chains of Enkidu” “Muramasa to a Masamune,” “Inuit braids,” not to mention Balkan authors, halberd and Ziggurats. This one was interesting giving it a recommendation if you like to be entertained by the different references.

Scripter : “Nightmare” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=37647 - 12-06-2013

“I guess I'm just chasing dreams
been stumped to the dirt
so many times
I guess that's why
there ain't no waking me
I'm what forsaken be
life can be
so cruel when a life's taken
it's the things that seem to make or break a G
with forces
to over power and over see
like a crest in the wave
at point break
something like skating sea,”

Short review: Some short lines with an emphasis on the rhyming technique and memorable phrase, many “I” and “my” statements and the past tense give it like an autobiographical quality.

Illume : “Common Property” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=36520 – 12-02-2013
“If we allowed ourselves to think for a second,
Diminished our prospects, relinquished our methods.
Removed ourselves from the tombs that enslave us;
attachment to saving our selves, at the cost of what saves us.
If we let the desires dissipate; the ones we cling to,
Addressed our entitlement, it's a dying issue.”

Short review: Big recommendation for this one. Enjoyed all the phrases worded as rhetorical questions, it was a very effective way of writing. I think it perhaps it could have been strengthened by focusing more on the last section discussing altruism, it was still very good.

Baron Mynd: "Inner Daemon” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33733 - 11-19-2013

““Jesus Christ!”
Joe had exclaimed
with sheer surprise
wrote on his face.
His tone gave away
a hint of resentment
and total dismay
the instant she mentioned
to him she was pregnant.
It couldn’t be true!
They lived in abstention
where lust was rebuked
and stuck with it too.
So what had occurred?
The couple concluded
as one that the birth
was God and his work.
A gift from the skies
to honour and serve
his siblings alike.”

Short review: According to the comments it had a focus towards a complicated rhyme scheme, and that aspect was entertaining, even in the short quote above you can see how even the ‘siblings alike’ rhyme scheme is similar as a slant rhyme to the first ‘sheer surprise’ rhyme scheme, so it was interesting like that. The content was also a nice discussion, there was some good use of symbolic language to emphasize the religious aspects.

Ending comment/Overall review.

There were some very good uploads by different users for this previous month, if you enjoy reading them you can often find some really interesting writing. They were good uploads by all users. All the best greetings, safety and comfort for the upcoming holiday festivals.

[Vulgar]

PROPS

[Zen]

Dope.

[Ryan 12]

props, dope af

[Zen]

Upping for this to be stickied.

[Nigma]

Zygote for site owner

[Baron Mynd]

good looking out

[Mike Wrecka]

cool. good shit zyg

[dead man]

immense. lol i like that you do these every month.

gives me a chance to catch up on what i may have skipped over.. thanks

[e11even]

you're the man, Zyg.

[King Ra.]

ZYG THE ZOD.

[Split]

[Objective]

Damn, didn't see this till now. You even covered me, hah! This shit's dope as fuck, well done @ZYG!

[Dope girl]

dope work everyone! <3

[Matriarch]

Very cool, Zyggy Pop ^__^

[NYCSPITZ]

ayo matriarch, when r we fucking boo? Don't be too shy about it...

[Ryan 12]

matriach a man tho @Totoro

[NYCSPITZ]

fml