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#1 |
nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
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I plant myself in my grave. Every night is my slave.
Depraved. Stolen. Rolling at raves. In waves. Is this staged? Holding a flame. Scolding in shame. Folding my brain. Molten in rain. Unspillable bubbler. I'm feeling I love her. Killing the cover. Chilling. Discolored. A pillion have- uhh, you're Ill as a sun burn. Ready to plagiarize some Raveneye's, Which are delaying light. I'm waaaaay too high So God cares? You're wrong to think it Those cross-hairs belong to Jesus Gross, arm chairs? I wanna eat it I'm about as honest as ponzi slime, in this chronic of concubines Just a zombie that's on the line. Chomping the rotten minds I'm watching. Yes, Spawn's alive. Exhausting these groggy sky's For all the yawning's that wanna die. Wash me. Lobotomize. Found a couch in the clouds and it's comfortable here Under the pier, I float face down in refundable fear And this distrust I dip brushes in barely Is a witch hunt when I script something with diligent substance, Sorta scary to think, yo, so.. You only spit once, just rip up & tare me. Hidden plots for missing cops, trying to dig what was buried. Covered in pig's blood, a Carrie-Norman-hybrid Can never bury a corpse in silence. Digital Portland-violet Half fried, Harvey Dent Versace, Ben's a zombie My ten's are sloppy like Gwen Stefani Spit car fires, barbed wire writtens Tar highs, with jarred spider lineage Star diving idiot. Mogwai. Insidious.
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" Last edited by Wise Wiggles; 10-20-2013 at 05:41 PM. |
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#2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 408
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Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF
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This was a cool, odd read. It read in spurts, but it was ok. As for the topic at hand, I know I'm not the greatest at posting topics and keeping on track (well, in my mind, I think I do, but to the reader they can't see what I mean to write in subtle metaphor). But this was cool, read well, decent mechanics and enjoyable throughout. Some things didn't completely make sense to me, I mean I could understand what you were conveying, - for the most part - I just think it wasn't worded carefully.
You teeter tottered from actually saying something in metaphor, to talking about how you write, and comparing them ever so often. Not sure what you were aiming for, but it was decent to me - enjoyable. You seemed to adjust on being strange, cool. |
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#3 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,145
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Champed - Guerrilla writing league
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I'm about as honest as ponzi slime, in this chronic of concubines
Just a zombie that's on the line. Chomping the rotten minds I'm watching. Yes, Spawn's alive. Exhausting these groggy sky's For all the yawning's that wanna die. Wash me. Lobotomize. favorite part. loved the last few lines too. you've always had a talent for mixing multies together, stuff i've never seen people create or at least word combinations that stick out and arent ever what you're expecting. like always ,got me in a writing mood. always enjoy your reads, mostly because it's so scatter-brained, it really reaches out on how many thoughts you must have going at a time and this is how you lay them out. good shit, wise |
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#4 |
nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,505
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Thanks
This was supposed to be about sticking my dick in a Jell-O shot Guess it veered off a tad
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
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#5 |
SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
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I liked this one. You picked up the pace and quality after the beginning, once you stopped with the staccato one word rhyming shits. Good read.
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#6 |
Mic Check
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ur weird, this was weird. it was cool though. super original.. unequivocally wize ways no doubt about it. lots of quotables.. im waaaaaaaay to high haha was legit. sneaky good vocab u got that i never expect but end up getting anyways. ur always venting it feels like.
last few bars were sick starting with harvey dent, nice way to end it. always enjoyable. keep up the strangeness
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My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete. |
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#7 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
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"Molten in rain. Unspillable bubbler. I'm feeling I love her.
Killing the cover. Chilling. Discolored. A pillion have- uhh, you're Ill as a sun burn. Ready to plagiarize some Raveneye's, Which are delaying light. I'm waaaaay too high" Slick shit.. It was a picnic.. I clicked with.. this script.. |
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#8 |
PROVEN BITER
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Wolverhampton
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word to whoever said it read in spurts, thats exactly what it was, a cool read content wise but real stop-start ish as i skimmed it
read this at RB keep that pen moving!
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