I don't see a way out...

[Finnydot]

I know it's cliche... Looking for help online. Most of you have been pretty rough to me over the years. But i just don't see a way out of this. I've tried medication again recently. But with me borrowing thousands of dollars from family to get into this apartment. Now I've lost it within 3 months. I know i did it to myself.

But i miss my son every day. I still have dreams where his mother and i are still together. Then i wake up and its just a system shock every day. I told myself that if i relaxed a couple weeks after getting fired in November that i could find work and still make rent. Then December goes by and i went through the holidays telling family i was still working and not to worry. Then i got served in January to evict and borrowed money from the Mormon church to make it till the end of the month. I only needed 500 before yesterday. I could have done that 2 months ago easy.

Then at the last minute yesterday i just let it happen.

I was living with my brother before this place. He's an asshole. I swear I'd rather die than be homeless or go back there.

But to talk to my other brothers about coming to stay with them after borrowing all this money to get in, that's almost as bad as living with an abusive drunk.

I'd just as soon rather not wake up. I probably have till Monday. I'm going to church tomorrow to let it all go. I'm going to finally tell the truth after months of hiding.

I know what you're all going to say. It's the easy way out. I'd be a terrible person to do that to my family and especially my son. It's some bitch shit. I know.

But I'm telling you man... Most of us kind of grew up together. You probably know a lot more about me than you should.

I can't continue like this. I've tried to "man up". I've tried to grab myself by my bootstraps and pull myself out of this 100 times. Every... Fucking... Time.... I fall on my face. And there's no one else to blame.

Medication couldn't fix me. Hospitalization couldn't fix me. Counselling couldn't fix me. Hell... Having a kid couldn't fix me. I couldn't fix myself. Falling in love couldn't fix me. I tried church again too. I've prayed. I've cried. I've smashed shit. I've written about it. Its always the same.

I always end up here.

I'm done.