manifold

dead man · 07-22-2018, 09:50 PM

you remind me of

a shadow eternity. remember how we
sat in emergency. glass linoleum and plastic and surgery
rat in a cage escaping wordlessly. see: cat in a burglary
house of mirror manifold she matches me perfectly
satin curtain collective passé theatrical major
playing savior, overacting both as master and maker
your odds are infinitesimal die cast into favor
Snake eyes roll like my saliva gave the apple its flavor
our catch-you-later never manifested, painfully true
Graceland cemetery afternoon parading our youth
Zombie on repeat red cups of vodka and juice
stepping stones like dead roses on anonymous tombs
stop me if i'm stopping too soon. lost in your music
strumming loosely on guitar strings to soften the grooves
mountainside Montana rainstorm, clover and wheat
frozen peaks, molten beneath. we die so vultures can eat
open deeply, soul discrete. woven woefully neatly
we're strangers with our lovers from the moment we meet
throat bleeding, choke/breath please queen cobra release
taste that venom sink slowly float to total reprieve
under the knife, over the needle. call me Mopey Knievel
stunts include both waking up and going to sleep
eau de repeat. doomed to resurface, funeral dirt
rebelling intently against immediate purpose
albatross across me like a soldier of fortune
amassing omens hoping for the locusts to swarm
smoking by porchlight oil-painting a portrait
reminisce compulsively until we're reborn
manifold origami we are egoic reform
i'm sorry nobody warned you
but here we are

dm

Exis · 07-22-2018, 11:57 PM

Snake eyes roll like my saliva gave the apple its flavor
our catch-you-later never manifested, painfully true
Graceland cemetery afternoon parading our youth
Zombie on repeat red cups of vodka and juice
stepping stones like dead roses on anonymous tombs
stop me if i'm stopping too soon. lost in your music
strumming loosely on guitar strings to soften the grooves
mountainside Montana rainstorm, clover and wheat
frozen peaks, molten beneath. we die so vultures can eat

^^That's awesome...

Your imagery is great, the way you can get your content to leap off the screen @ who ever reads it is def a skill.Your story tellin' ability is really unique, you should write a novel so all can admire you & your imagination, not just cats like myself fuckin' around online.

Dope shit Black.

neutral · 08-07-2018, 07:32 PM

Your writing reads a bit like a mysterious lens passing over various vignettes that have some semblance of interrelation, even if it isn't easily given to the reader. Like Mulholland Drive in verse. As a method, it allows you a great creative license, which you do utilize. There's poetic attention to the finer details of a scene, then piercing introversion, and then some unnerving commentary:

frozen peaks, molten beneath. we die so vultures can eat
open deeply, soul discrete. woven woefully neatly
we're strangers with our lovers from the moment we meet

this stood out to me. The first line is very succinct, the second continues the dichotomy, the third gives pause for thought. That's good. Grouping adjectives too closely together can create a weird aural effect when you sound it out, however. Anyway, thanks for looking at my work and sharing this one.

Dragon · 08-07-2018, 07:56 PM

This was a pretty good read, Blacketh. I don't really see anything wrong with it, per se'. It had a nice ring to it. The multi-syllabic rhyme schemes were nice, and the poetic language and imagery was there. Nothing seemed too out of place. Everything was effecient and assured. My only advice would be to maybe concentrate on a specific topic, rather than little topics spread out. Good work, keep writing!

dead man · 08-07-2018, 11:41 PM

thank you

PancakeBrah · 08-08-2018, 08:48 PM

Hey man this was, like, really good writing guy.

07-22-2018, 09:50 PM	#1
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	manifold you remind me of a shadow eternity. remember how we sat in emergency. glass linoleum and plastic and surgery rat in a cage escaping wordlessly. see: cat in a burglary house of mirror manifold she matches me perfectly satin curtain collective passé theatrical major playing savior, overacting both as master and maker your odds are infinitesimal die cast into favor Snake eyes roll like my saliva gave the apple its flavor our catch-you-later never manifested, painfully true Graceland cemetery afternoon parading our youth Zombie on repeat red cups of vodka and juice stepping stones like dead roses on anonymous tombs stop me if i'm stopping too soon. lost in your music strumming loosely on guitar strings to soften the grooves mountainside Montana rainstorm, clover and wheat frozen peaks, molten beneath. we die so vultures can eat open deeply, soul discrete. woven woefully neatly we're strangers with our lovers from the moment we meet throat bleeding, choke/breath please queen cobra release taste that venom sink slowly float to total reprieve under the knife, over the needle. call me Mopey Knievel stunts include both waking up and going to sleep eau de repeat. doomed to resurface, funeral dirt rebelling intently against immediate purpose albatross across me like a soldier of fortune amassing omens hoping for the locusts to swarm smoking by porchlight oil-painting a portrait reminisce compulsively until we're reborn manifold origami we are egoic reform i'm sorry nobody warned you but here we are dm __________________ Zack Wicks for president

08-07-2018, 11:41 PM	#5
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	thank you __________________ Zack Wicks for president Last edited by dead man; 08-08-2018 at 01:05 AM.

08-08-2018, 08:48 PM	#6
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	Hey man this was, like, really good writing guy. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

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07-22-2018, 11:57 PM	#2
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Snake eyes roll like my saliva gave the apple its flavor our catch-you-later never manifested, painfully true Graceland cemetery afternoon parading our youth Zombie on repeat red cups of vodka and juice stepping stones like dead roses on anonymous tombs stop me if i'm stopping too soon. lost in your music strumming loosely on guitar strings to soften the grooves mountainside Montana rainstorm, clover and wheat frozen peaks, molten beneath. we die so vultures can eat ^^That's awesome... Your imagery is great, the way you can get your content to leap off the screen @ who ever reads it is def a skill.Your story tellin' ability is really unique, you should write a novel so all can admire you & your imagination, not just cats like myself fuckin' around online. Dope shit Black.

08-07-2018, 07:32 PM	#3
neutral Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 52 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 3412709	Your writing reads a bit like a mysterious lens passing over various vignettes that have some semblance of interrelation, even if it isn't easily given to the reader. Like Mulholland Drive in verse. As a method, it allows you a great creative license, which you do utilize. There's poetic attention to the finer details of a scene, then piercing introversion, and then some unnerving commentary: frozen peaks, molten beneath. we die so vultures can eat open deeply, soul discrete. woven woefully neatly we're strangers with our lovers from the moment we meet this stood out to me. The first line is very succinct, the second continues the dichotomy, the third gives pause for thought. That's good. Grouping adjectives too closely together can create a weird aural effect when you sound it out, however. Anyway, thanks for looking at my work and sharing this one.

08-07-2018, 07:56 PM	#4
Dragon Member Join Date: Jun 2014 Posts: 83 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 0	This was a pretty good read, Blacketh. I don't really see anything wrong with it, per se'. It had a nice ring to it. The multi-syllabic rhyme schemes were nice, and the poetic language and imagery was there. Nothing seemed too out of place. Everything was effecient and assured. My only advice would be to maybe concentrate on a specific topic, rather than little topics spread out. Good work, keep writing!