Put The Past Behinnd You. (quick story, keyed up. holla)

Sharp · 07-17-2013, 10:09 PM

this was impressive as a key. it woud be a solid drop even if it wasnt keyed tbc. if you hadn't said so in the title i never would've known. the way it was told i kinda go the impression you had the basis for a fairly simple story in mind going into it and gradually revealed the details at your own pace, which i thought was tasteful and effective. there was a sense of demystifying going on - a few occasions of something presented that made me think 'why?' followed shortly by the answer (killed his wife -> because she cheated; drinking -> out of regret/despair). it managed to keep the tone 3rd person but not quite omnipotent - more of a retelling by a bard-like character than just a police report. i think the direction you took with it was a lot more effective in that sense

just some standout moments

fore he has a relapse and blacks out on a wrath, a powerless addict
dumps his dead bitch on a floor, the cats out of the baggage
clean as hell and i love that ending part

he sat down and imagined things were fucking different today
that he isnt in pain, or that he had a bit of restraint
distant, he drifted to childhood and saw his favorite escape
a place where he could go and it would take him away
sacred, its safe, it made him feel like no one else existed in life
but they did, and he isnt there now cause THIS is his life
the bitch is his wife, the dead one that fucking needed to die
cause in his mind, if she wasnt gonna change neither am i
really humanized your character quickly, a lot was conveyed for such a short passage and did a lot as far as character development.

her bone fragments attatched to the bottle he bludgeoned her with
nervous -cause hes been in trouble before, just nothing as big
fuck it -he sips a cup filled with the darkest liquer youve seen
hoping hell pass out drunk, and wake up like this is a dream
those 'nervous' and 'fuck it' breaks read really nicely

a lot of skill found in this key. simple story and done in a fairly straightforward way but with clear finesse and experience. enjoyable read for sure

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07-17-2013, 10:09 PM	#1
Sharp HE / HIM / FRAC Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: PA Posts: 11,592 Battle Record: 56-21 Accomplishments - 50+ Wins Champed - The Ultimate Writer - NBL Cypher - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 12601538	this was impressive as a key. it woud be a solid drop even if it wasnt keyed tbc. if you hadn't said so in the title i never would've known. the way it was told i kinda go the impression you had the basis for a fairly simple story in mind going into it and gradually revealed the details at your own pace, which i thought was tasteful and effective. there was a sense of demystifying going on - a few occasions of something presented that made me think 'why?' followed shortly by the answer (killed his wife -> because she cheated; drinking -> out of regret/despair). it managed to keep the tone 3rd person but not quite omnipotent - more of a retelling by a bard-like character than just a police report. i think the direction you took with it was a lot more effective in that sense just some standout moments fore he has a relapse and blacks out on a wrath, a powerless addict dumps his dead bitch on a floor, the cats out of the baggage clean as hell and i love that ending part he sat down and imagined things were fucking different today that he isnt in pain, or that he had a bit of restraint distant, he drifted to childhood and saw his favorite escape a place where he could go and it would take him away sacred, its safe, it made him feel like no one else existed in life but they did, and he isnt there now cause THIS is his life the bitch is his wife, the dead one that fucking needed to die cause in his mind, if she wasnt gonna change neither am i really humanized your character quickly, a lot was conveyed for such a short passage and did a lot as far as character development. her bone fragments attatched to the bottle he bludgeoned her with nervous -cause hes been in trouble before, just nothing as big fuck it -he sips a cup filled with the darkest liquer youve seen hoping hell pass out drunk, and wake up like this is a dream those 'nervous' and 'fuck it' breaks read really nicely a lot of skill found in this key. simple story and done in a fairly straightforward way but with clear finesse and experience. enjoyable read for sure