Master Rock vs Dominate

Diablo · 07-17-2023, 02:27 PM

DIABLO BIG MAD ANGRY WITH PUNY HUMANS

I figured you would both like this topic with the dystopian future type deal and welcoming our mechanical future overlord with open arms. Guess not.

Dom: As I read this I get the sense you were pushed for time, or at least an idea that would work itself out of the pen quickly enough. It reads like you had at least a conceptual idea of where you wanted to go but things just didn’t come together for you, I liked the fact you picked up on the less obvious devices (see what I did there?) of the humans being transfixed with their digital world - too enamoured to see the bigger problem outside of their little worlds creeping right up on them. I noticed the alliterative line also, which was a nice touch, but ultimately this one ends up fizzling out rather than going the places I (and no doubt you) may have liked. It has an empty chassis much like the sentinels chest itself I felt.

Master Rock: I actually liked your take on this one from the opening line about the creator. It has a Frankenstein’s monster sort of feel to it I enjoyed, towards the middle there’s a couplet / rhyme that lacks some formatting and messed it up a little but it’s easy to catch where the end rhyme should be. I think in terms of a more complete feeling concept, yours has the edge here. I preferred Dom in terms of technical ability and him injecting that slight bit of alliteration caught my eye, but conceptually I felt yours was the better of the two. Tough choice this week.

I’m going with Master Rock against my usual personal preferences; I just liked the idea more and felt it had legs where Dom’s almost feels incomplete by the end of it.

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07-17-2023, 02:27 PM	#15
Diablo Badgerdick Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Showdown City Posts: 2,634 Battle Record: 11-2 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 22685552	DIABLO BIG MAD ANGRY WITH PUNY HUMANS I figured you would both like this topic with the dystopian future type deal and welcoming our mechanical future overlord with open arms. Guess not. Dom: As I read this I get the sense you were pushed for time, or at least an idea that would work itself out of the pen quickly enough. It reads like you had at least a conceptual idea of where you wanted to go but things just didn’t come together for you, I liked the fact you picked up on the less obvious devices (see what I did there?) of the humans being transfixed with their digital world - too enamoured to see the bigger problem outside of their little worlds creeping right up on them. I noticed the alliterative line also, which was a nice touch, but ultimately this one ends up fizzling out rather than going the places I (and no doubt you) may have liked. It has an empty chassis much like the sentinels chest itself I felt. Master Rock: I actually liked your take on this one from the opening line about the creator. It has a Frankenstein’s monster sort of feel to it I enjoyed, towards the middle there’s a couplet / rhyme that lacks some formatting and messed it up a little but it’s easy to catch where the end rhyme should be. I think in terms of a more complete feeling concept, yours has the edge here. I preferred Dom in terms of technical ability and him injecting that slight bit of alliteration caught my eye, but conceptually I felt yours was the better of the two. Tough choice this week. I’m going with Master Rock against my usual personal preferences; I just liked the idea more and felt it had legs where Dom’s almost feels incomplete by the end of it.