WEEK TWO: CORLEONE (0-0) vs CANDY (0-1) CORLEONE WINS 5-2

[Adonis]

Candy - I enjoyed the criptic style even if at points it seemed jumbled or awkward, it still worked in a sense of like, camoflauge or discreet effect, not sure how to convey what i'm saying really but I enjoyed it through and through. As for the story, not postive, but I took it as a women turned vampire, pregnant then stabbed and turns to dust by the baby lives. Either that or the baby would be the girl who dies, but lives on through the morphing into vampire. I'm sure im missing something regardless, as I get a vibe you are talking more in a general sense of the world, but again, unsure. All in all tho, I enjoyed this take and felt you utilized the topic perfectly and executed some very off the wall concepts within lines that were flipped in not the most traditional sense, but flipped nicely irregardless. Solid read

Core - Story was cool, straight narrative type which is complete opposite of competitor. There were some wording issues like "she was irresistibly" doesn't work imo. Also, i don't mind using end rhymes mid sentence, but it seemed like you did it a tad too much. It jumbled the flow for me some causing me to go back and read the sentences as complete sentences to figure out exactly what you were going for. You also said "Thoughts of commiting suicide" followed by "she recalls the blade used when died" means either she is recalling her death after the death or else it doesn't work imo. All in all tho, I thought the verse was a fun read that was paced well, and given its lack of length I thought you actually built the character up pretty well.



Vote - Candy

IMO candy had the more well writen piece as a stand alone, though I am probably a bit biased as he went straight topical verse story mode which allowed me to delve into lines and and try and decipher which had it open up in a my mind leaving more of a lasting impression. Good battle gents