WEEK SEVEN: BROKENHAL0 0-1 vs CANDY 1-4 HAL0 WINS

[Candy]

..the sun sonned..

a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash
of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions
ink in fortune stored for future torment
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash
walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived

one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold

..

[Universe]

brokenhal0:

Well, fuck. Where did this come from? Whole new feel from you - more conventional but it worked. Solid multi's and wording, best I've seen from you. Makes me wonder why you've been fucking around so much with your verses when I see this. This is some top-notch stuff, man.

"Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs"

- Fire start. Caught me off guard.

"minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry"

- Another great section here. Well written, with impact.

Overall this was a great piece. Best I've seen from you, obviously. Stay on this path.


Candy:

You put a lot of thought into this verse and I appreciate that. You had some flashes of really good writing here and there but it was lost in a sea of barely comprehensible diatribes. I felt lost at points. Wording was off and words were missing or just... not clarified. I did enjoy some of this, it's just hard to really digest your work at times. Which is unfortunate, because the skill peeks its head out occassionally.

Sometimes you say things just to say things - They have no discernable meaning. They just... happen to somewhat rhyme. Or be a unique choice of wording. But that doesn't hold weight with me; You have to justify your word choices at all times, either for technical purposes or to progress your story, characters, etc. Think of every line as an opportunity... Don't waste it!

Respect for dropping every week and staying with it though.

But hal0 opened a new door for himself here...


Vote - brokenhal0

[fraze]

Originally Posted by brokenhal0

Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs
strong opening, solid rhymes.
as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade
Americans Took a small step while I was deep in space
Xinjiang , factory slave state-mandated poverty alleviates
not sure where this is going yet
a shitty wage the pity is a deity runs the city stage
and you new age kids who could careless of the fools they made
minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
still not sure. rhymes are carrying but this is pretty abstract
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry
severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
this is nice. connecting back to over-industrialized society
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls
im floating in a wayward sky able to upgrade the great design
rhyming is off. continuing the exploitation theme
it was perfect in the first place until terrible working conditions
rendered it's members dry stop pretending why
pick a brush and some paint up make up what you take up
a human rights crisis of a global scale
you either chose the factory or lose your tail
rhyming is rough in this section.
the trail ahead requires skills to build the dead
I painted suns on mountains some chose the hills instead
so don't be complicit of your reputational cost
Even if others are not morally motivated to be taking a loss.
another picture tie in. ending feels underwhelming

Solid piece technically and you definitely connected to your picture, but it was pretty abstract through out. You said 'paint the sun' three times in the verse. I get that's the picture, but try to say it in different ways and take some different angles. The ending didn't give me much of a sense of closure. Still not sure what the purpose of the piece was, but quality rhyming kept it interesting to read.

Originally Posted by Candy

..the sun sonned..

a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
rhyming is ok, but wording is weird. feels like there are words missing
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash
of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
like the internal rhyming but feels like word soup in places. incomplete thoughts that rhyme
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions
ink in fortune stored for future torment
cool internal rhymes but not sure what you're trying to say
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash
see above
walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i feel like im tripping on acid
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived
still not sure

one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold
cool story
..

I liked the rhyming but couldn't piece together a story or narrative. Also couldn't parse a connection to the topic. I really liked some of your rhyming sections but would have liked to see a more coherent piece.

Vote: brokenhal0 This would have been a closer battle if Candy made better use of his picture. Both were technically solid pieces but Candy had a slightly higher degree of complexity to his rhymes. Unfortunately the topic seems to have been an afterthought, which isn't great for topical battles. halo drop a solid piece, had some connections to the pic, and that was enough for the win.

[sral]

Originally Posted by Candy

..the sun sonned..

a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash

I think your rhyming cadence here shone through (pun always intended) but the onomatopoeic word choices also worked well given the content. It’s easily to overlook that stylistic choice, maybe, but I see what you were doing and in contrast with the painted sun against a dark cloud I thought it worked well. Nice word usage.


of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions

The alliteration stands out, but “prism of prisons” was a nice visual to accompany those towers seen in the distance here I thought.


ink in fortune stored for future torment
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash


LOL this was a good idea I thought.

walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived

one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold

..

The closing lines were some of your strongest there, I especially enjoyed “one step down from perfection,” which was another great visual snippet.


I think the topic itself lent itself well to you both stylistically in how you approach topics, it wouldn’t have been for everybody but you two were able to weave the visual imagery and sentiment into your own works. Stylistically the two of you were actually quite evenly matched in terms of your visuals you created and shorter lined flows which I always appreciate. BH