Round One: Razah vs Diablo - DIABLO WINS

[sral]

Welcome, boils and ghouls!

This is the opening round of the biggest topical tournament in the Netcees calendar year. 16 entrants. 8 battles. 4 winners. 32 lines separating you and the losers bench. Do not disappoint. We have replacements on hand ready to fill-in on short notice, you WILL get a battle so please do not assume your opponent is no-showing. It’s go hard or home.

This is it.

Check-in’s are due: Fri 4th September 9pm UK time.

Verses are due: Tuesday 8th September 9pm UK time.

Topics were randomly assigned thanks to UserName. Your topic is:


@Razah
@Diablo

[Razah]

Check.

[Diablo]

The cobalt-blue display blinks into life
as it’s glow illuminates all within its sight.
A whimsical whine whirrs as her fingers flex to the
pinged procession of her instant messenger.
Xx_GingerJessica_xX receives an unprompted request
the pop-up suggests “One of your friends wants to connect,”
Hovering pensively off the Accept button, the cursor sits motionless.
but her uncertainty’s overridden as she nervously scrolls to click.
There’s no blurb and no profile picture hinting who is behind it.
The room is in silence as a bouncing ellipsis shows the user is typing.
A new zinging vibrant message displays itself
“Hey,” the welcome message starts “You’re kind of cute, a/s/l?”
The way they spell “you’re” makes her question the comment
Her friends would have got it wrong, her mom always corrected her on it.
Jess sensed the anonymous user was older somehow
but rather than closing her browser, she motions her mouse.
Crying face emoji then “Ouch, only kind of?”. The enter button clicks.
She sends another quick with “37/f/Wichita” in a message under it.
A second double-tick toward the bottom of her screen
shows the response has just been seen as she hovers in her seat.
The innominate intrigue has her hawking with hunger
as an awkward rebuttal beeps “I thought you were younger?”
She pauses to shrug her titian hair from her shoulders
with an air of composure as she pulls the computer chair a bit closer.
She clicks ‘Shared’ and then ‘Folders’ and ‘Images’, double-clicking each
and smiles looking at a preview of her mother at the beach.
Jess submits it believing it it looks highly authentic
but is surprised as she sends it not to get the reply she expected.
“The user’s writing a message...” her chatbox text has avowed
before Jessica shouts from inside her room having read it aloud.
The sender announces itself. Her cheeks blush pink and loud as her sweater.
“You know how you should never talk to strangers?
It’s mom.
You’re grounded forever.”

[Razah]

Originally Posted by sraL

She used to be shy, part of me thinks she still is
Then I took a look at her bio, "WAP and some real tits!"
Can't say I'm not intrigued, I'd watch her disrespect her cooch'
She's one hell of a ride, following some cigarrettes and some booze//
Let her get loose to show me what's tight, now I got a boner alright
I love when she squints, I imagine myself blowing a load in her eyes
Why does she do the things that she does, I suppose that she's broke
That thought's out of my mind when she takes nut & snorts it like coke//
Now I'm asking for more, like, bring your ass to the floor
Drool on your face, bring your hand down your back then your crack to explore
I'm astounded & floored - No question, I'm down for some more
She's the girl next door, assuming your neighbors had a house full of whores//
After my penis explodes and I wipe the screen of my iPod, I ask
"Why ma'am?", she says- "If I could have a good time & make money, why not"
Simple enough, with all the mess on her face, I'm ready for round two
Wet ass pussy wasn't a lie. I can go for a swim and I'd probably drown too//
I've seen her for weeks, I love it when she get louds & talks shit
I just stare at her dead eyes, which results in a hard dick
I tried to run a little game but she's all business, money is the motive
I could spare the change she needs but, fucking was my focus//
Is she broken or wild, is that a new vid? Is she reserved or a full blown moaner
I was side tracked, I could put the work in to get to know her
It shouldn't cost money to talk, I guess I was just hoping- Damn
This wasn't Twitter or IG, I expected more from a girl & her Only Fans.//
Fuck it I'm a sucker for pussy, but her, I'm loving her now
She gets me so hard I..
Could nut on her stomach, then watch my cum crawl up to her mouth.

You nasty bitch I love you. Respect sex workers.

[Hush]

I really dug this . Similar to my pic so I know the difficulty in doing this in a unique way


Diablo really had me drawn in the entire time . Read really smooth


Razah had the uphill battle of going second and his more vulgar aprouch didn’t draw me in as deep


This is hard to vote on besides saying what I liked more


Vote Diablo

[Adverse]

Diablo - totally thought with the way tension was being built that this was going to turn into a stalker/murderer scenario and a warning to children about talking to strangers on the internet lol, this was a cool verse and you did a great job building some tension and painting this cool picture and yeah your reveal was a good one but it just lacked a punch in my eyes? Like I was on the edge of my seat waiting for this other person to be revealed but then the stakes just kind of died when it was the mother. It felt like you didn’t have room to work your regular Lars magic with this short line limit but it was good for what it was and I know the end is meant to be a little silly it just didn’t resonate with me completely

Razah - yo rza razah hit em with that flava lol
This verse was pretty hilarious in all honesty because we’ve all been there to that shameful place, your ending bar was fucking jokes I laughed out loud. But story wise this lacked and it was pretty hollow. I mean if you threw a twist at the end like going to meet her and she ends up robbin the dude and killing him that would have been a good conclusion but this was just really one dimensional and there wasn’t any real story progression. Rhyming was good and the imagery brought me back to shameful places I’m not proud of lol but as an overall topical this one lacked in my eyes. It was a super entertaining read as a stand-alone piece.

Going with Diablo here though his ending didn’t wow me he told an intriguing story and played his cards consistently

V/Diablo

[Bladed Thesis]

Diablo: Really felt the flow of your piece from the start. The wording and pace was excellent. Walking us through messenging and process and feeling her emotions with each response back and forth. I do think your piece didn't capture the photo entirely, especially the disarray outside the light of the screen compared to the organized life inside the light of the screen. That seemed to me the most interesting part of the picture and you didn't touch on it so that was a bit disappointing but overall a strong verse from you.

Razah: Thought your piece came off a bit basic to start. The imagery and wording of a lot of the beginning is just standard in my opinion. Also felt the rhyme scheme missed a few times, though the multis were there for the most part. Like Diablo, I felt you maybe missed touching on the most important part of the picture with the disarray vs organization dichotomy but overall the verse was okay. I felt it was a little basic, a little simple. Both in the emotions of the piece as well as the wording and imagery.

Vote: Diablo. Felt his verse had more depth to it both conceptually and contextually. Both had their ups and downs but Diablo's was constructed a little more complex with a strong use of wording and imagery. Good job, guys.

[UPN Zuch]

I have Diablo here

Story was paced well and had great imagery. You’re a good writer. Also the twist at the end was solid.

Razah has a good approach and had some catchy bars but I feel the story lacked slightly. Still a good piece.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Diablo- Original take. The asl reference took me back, then again, I reckon you're as old as I am. You had a good narrative here with some twists and turns. Giving depth to the personality of the narrator in this amount of lines is trick y but you pulled it off nicely. Rhyme scheme was functional, did the job well enough. The punchline at the end was a funny way to end the piece. I liked it. good work.

Razah. Dark. Savage. You painted a picture crystal clear of what goes through the mind of some of the people watching se workers online. I'm glad you didn't take the obvious twist of the narrator taking it in a homicidal direction. It would've cheapened the whole thing IMO. Good flow and compound rhyme scheme. It felt you lingered too long on the sexual imagery tbh, but it was a strong effort overall.

Vote- Diablo, better take on the topic and technical aspects. Good battle.