Just a Tug

Artifice · 05-06-2020, 09:17 PM

I dug this... simple, yet poignant. It painted the scene well, given the subject matter it was straightforward, sprinkled with enough imagery to give it some real punch.

the tone spoke in the voice of the character so well, I think that's what grabs me the most. Not the most technical piece, but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes there's an elegance to not overdoing it, and in this case, I think that's exactly the result.

To give a little critique, while I enjoyed the opening part, rhyme-wise I think it could have been tweaked a little. I would have sacrificed the compound rhyme a little by adding "the" to "jot with pen" and had "jot with the pen" and in the next line I would add "its" to get "To heal his mind of its thoughts of death" but those are little things relatively speaking.

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05-06-2020, 09:17 PM	#4
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944949	I dug this... simple, yet poignant. It painted the scene well, given the subject matter it was straightforward, sprinkled with enough imagery to give it some real punch. the tone spoke in the voice of the character so well, I think that's what grabs me the most. Not the most technical piece, but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes there's an elegance to not overdoing it, and in this case, I think that's exactly the result. To give a little critique, while I enjoyed the opening part, rhyme-wise I think it could have been tweaked a little. I would have sacrificed the compound rhyme a little by adding "the" to "jot with pen" and had "jot with the pen" and in the next line I would add "its" to get "To heal his mind of its thoughts of death" but those are little things relatively speaking.