WEEK 6 Contenders: Bodey vs Adverse 5-0 BODEY WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Bodey @Adverse


Max line: 50

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 1, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Adverse]

Hello again miss.

You wanna go 50 or keep it at 30?

[Bodey]

Idc either way. Whatever you want. No more than 50. I promise I won’t cry about it later and act like this convo never took place

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by Bodey

Idc either way. Whatever you want. No more than 50. I promise I won’t cry about it later and act like this convo never took place

Lmao! Alright I'll go 50 then good luck

[Bodey]

posting tomorrow @Adverse

[Adverse]

That's fine with me

[Adverse]

"Come on Greg! Indulge me, the least you could do is be enthused!"
I stared blankly at Dave from my apartment door as he pleaded for me to see it through
"I know you're dealing with a nasty breakup, let's fill our backpacks up and bail!"
Flash forward as i reluctantly drag my feet behind him on the Appalachian Trail
Hands over my head, unamused as i hear Dave say "Wow! Look at that"
I glance down the clearing to see two women, standing unfolding a map
Both in purple tank tops, black leggings and autumn hair pulled to the back
We make our way towards them, shoes crunching gravel on the broken down path
"What brings you ladies all the way out here?" With a smile Dave starts questionin'
They swing around meeting us with wide blue eyes, "Oh just feeling adventurous"
The other quipped "we laugh in the face of danger" i chuckled at the Simba impressionist
"What about you two? Are you rapists? Or murderers?" They asked
"Of course not! We came out here because my friend got dumped! He's feelin bad!"
They both gave me a reaction I'm accustomed to sadness and pity
"I'm Dave, and this Greg" they smiled back "Amanda" "Vicky"
I look up at the sky, to see the sun pulling its curtains, the blue's dimming
"It's getting dark, would you two like to set up camp with us?" Dave asks in the spur of the minute
"Sounds great!" They gathered up their things, we proceeded to hike
My mind was trying to plant evil seeds but i ruined its plot "it'll all be alright"
"Give it a chance! You always fuck up good things by reading between the lines"
We finally found a place to stop, a clearing showcased by the evening's dying light
We got the tents set up, unpacked, got the campfire lit,
Red and yellow flames accented by our growing pyramid, six cans of Heniken
Vicky sat next to me staring, i shot back some awkward glances her way
She softly snickered and gently placed her hand on my leg
Dave starts spouting out campfire stories about apparitions and bad intentions
And I just laugh lightly, critiquing how all his narratives were badly written
Thought I felt Vicky tremble as she tightened her grip on my thigh
I looked to her ocean eyes only to drown in them, her innocence died
I felt a rush of wind hit my face as she raised her fist to the sky
She swung it down in an instance, my face spat out a grimace and cry
As i looked down just in time to see her shove that syringe in my side
I felt a paralysis sneak up my spine, my limbs turned to mush
I fall face first into the mud, at the mercy of this internal numb
As I lay motionless, I'm grabbed by the feet, they're dragging me
My body keeps tryna catch some sleep, i fight back until blackness is all i see...

…..i find myself squeezed awake embraced by a stake
Its roped arms choking the life out of me, keeping me in place
I glance up and see Dave, tied up like myself only meters away.
His white shirt soaked crimson, under his chin bleedin, I'm screamin out "HEY!
THIS MUST BE A MISTAKE!" I glance down to my swinging legs
I meet the familiar faces of the demons standing at the base
Maniacal laughter, stained lips and blotches of red on their cheeks
I weld my eyes shut as they pick the remnants of Dave from their teeth
I hear the shuffling of feet I tear apart my lids reluctantly
To see a crowd of ghastly figures starting to gather in the mist in front of me
"They're hungry!" Vicky laughs "hang on everyone it'll only take me a sec!"
She gets on her tip-toes so she can reach me, places the blade at my neck
Without any hesitation she cuts my jugular vein, the dirt below me being painted red
Contrasted to the black I'm fading to and As i take my last breath
I hear Satanic chants and rotten teeth plunging into my ankle flesh

[Bodey]

Desk-legs scraped against the floor,
and zippers whooshed its teeth around our backpacks
The school bell was about to roar,
and we were prepared to rejoice with a pack of Black Cats
And Old E. My boy Jon was a couple ages older than me
He managed to swipe his doppelgänger stoner-brother’s ID
I met Jon when I was fourteen, he’s a piston for jokes
A walking ad for Ecko clothing and reeks of cigarette smoke
Tommy is my other younger buddy, but he’s taller than us
Smart guy who never studies, a genius kid with no luck
His mother died a year ago and his father is nuts

Our boring little town is surrounded by luxurious forests
Sprinkled with fresh-water ponds and curious tourists
For as long as I can remember, people spoke of this gossip
About an isolated cottage in the boonies—“it’s haunted.”
Legend has it that those who’ve gone and sought it never returned
Not one body has been gotten, unrecovered, no word

“I’m telling you, dude, this whole thing is a hoax.
“Made up by worried parents so their kids would stay close.”
We padded out of the 7-eleven as Tommy went on:
“I mean, why haven’t we ever checked it out? Me, you, and Jon?”
“I’m in,” Jon said, shrugging it off. “How ‘bout it, Delaney?”
I took my beer and I sipped so hard that I coughed.
“My mama’s gonna hate me, but fuck it, it’s on.”
We pedaled into the night, breathing in northeastern air
The trees fed mint into our nostrils and ruffled our hair
Flashes of a lightning bolt signaled us to our feet
Abandoning our bicycles, we hiked til it was too hard to see
Tommy soon suggested that we take a break and lay low
For some reason I never questioned how he knew where to go

Daylight flooded all around me, turning the morning dew to diamonds
I squinted through the glare, and that’s when my eyes had widened
“Guys,” I hissed, trying to ignore the rabbit hopping in my heart
There, stood a rotting wooden cabin, with a squeaky door ajar
I shuddered at the fact that our flashlights hadn’t grazed that
Tommy dusted himself off, and told us just to hang back
He snapped off a branch, and Jon couldn’t help himself with this:
“Now you’ve got a chance, ghosts are defenseless against sticks!”
This was probably the last time we would live in the moment
And it’s not until you grow up that you wished you had known it
Giggling maniacally, we stepped inside.
It smelled like mothball-flavored gasoline,
with beat-up softballs, faded magazines,
glass Coke bottles, crates of flags and beans,
yellow neckerchiefs with a couple badges seamed.
Scraps of sunburned newspaper blew around the floor
I picked one up, and I nearly vomited my food from the night before
It read that all three of our bodies were discovered off a beach ravine
But even more importantly, the article dated back to 1919
I read on, and tears began to swell and my body seemed to teeter
Investigators proved that we’d been killed by our Cub Scout leader
The last name stared through me from the paper.
“Tommy?” I whispered, turning to see his mouth had wavered.
“He was my great grandpa,” he sniffled.
“and my parents couldn’t look at me without seeing his face.”
He fell apart little by little, tears all over the place.
It all made sense now. That’s why his dad is a sadistic drunk.
That’s why his mother shot herself in a rundown pick-up truck.
How long were we living in this alternate universe?
“Maybe Tommy’s shame is the way to undo the curse?”
Jon’s voice made me jump, as he motioned us to come outdoors
We looked down from the cliff and on to the ocean shore
Moms and dads and children, salty air and sandcastles
Their bodies seem to glisten with a glow that I can’t fathom
I reached inside my pocket for the newspaper clipping
Now a blank piece of paper, which some would find chilling
But for some reason, I smile, and so do my friends
We made our way down to join our fallen Cub Scouts again

[Candy]

adverse:

pretty dope i liked the story very well structured and the rhyme structure was pretty tight.. it made it all flow pretty smoothly.. i think your style was pretty cool it sorted of played off each character like a tower of jinga and simple back and forth and the description get progessing in the story with it nicely.. all in all pretty cool

bodey:

super dope the whole tale about the cub scoutts was dope.. but your character development was huge some how you outshined adverse and his was deep.. but i think what made this verse was your story telling the way you paced and described the direction of the story was hot.. your rhyme scheme was tight to..

vote = bodey

i think he just took it with a much smoother story.. but it was def very close..

[Universe]

Contender battle! Better late than never... lol.

Adverse - This was the most moment-to-moment story you've told yet. What I mean by that is you didnt break away really at any point, you stayed with it like all of it was actually happening right here right now. Although this kept me locked into the plot, I also felt it was watered down because of it. There was some cool sections for sure...

"My mind was trying to plant evil seeds but i ruined its plot "it'll all be alright"
"Give it a chance! You always fuck up good things by reading between the lines""

... but nothing up to your usual standard. I didnt get that Adverse wow moment here!

For the most part this didnt seem up to your usual standard in both multi's and rhyme schemes. A lot of it felt... pedestrian. Maybe I'm being harsh but I have HIGH expectations of you and this didnt capture my imagination like some of your other pieces man. I think it felt this way because of all the dialogue maybe? I think you do better with a "god like" narrator voice... meaning you telling the story from above, overseeing everything and pulling the strings (like your afterlife piece) rather than being there in the moment, it felt a little like you had to dumb yourself down to the level of be story rather than elevate the story to you. The story itself was cool, not a huge fan of the demon twist, seemed a little on-the-nose for my taste, but still felt relevant to your apparition-like topic. Also, a couple times your rhyme scheme just jumped over to another scheme as well. Let me show you what I mean:

What brings you ladies all the way out here?" With a smile Dave starts questionin'
They swing around meeting us with wide blue eyes, "Oh just feeling adventurous"

So far so good...

The other quipped "we laugh in the face of danger" i chuckled at the Simba impressionist
"What about you two? Are you rapists? Or murderers?" They asked

Huh? ... Loved the Simba line but it didnt connect after. Then you followed it with...

"Of course not! We came out here because my friend got dumped! He's feelin bad!"

Not only is this a horrible line, Adverse, it just feels jilted and disconnected from the flow. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.

There was some awkward phrasing too just for the sake of multi's,.which although appreciated, I think I'd rather just read a bar that makes a little more sense than have the multi's.

"I felt a rush of wind hit my face as she raised her fist to the sky
She swung it down in an instance, my face spat out a grimace and cry"

I realize this was the middle part of a section where all of it connected, so there is some leeway there, but a face spitting out a grimace and cry just didnt read well to me. Just my opinion.

Ugh. I wanted to love this. I really did. You are one of my favorite guys in this league and probably my favorite overall on this site in terms of just being awesome, but I got to call it like I see it man... and this to me felt like a day off for you.

Bodey - Very cool little campfire story here. It really drew me in from the jump and carried me through. The twist wasnt too original but it worked, and the ending was a nice touch. There was some awkward rhyme scheme jumps like in Adverse's but nothing that took me out of the story. I loved this part especially:

"We pedaled into the night, breathing in northeastern air
The trees fed mint into our nostrils and ruffled our hair
Flashes of a lightning bolt signaled us to our feet
Abandoning our bicycles, we hiked til it was too hard to see
Tommy soon suggested that we take a break and lay low
For some reason I never questioned how he knew where to go"

This was magnetic, Bodey. Multi's were lacking but this shows the advantage of being clear and concise over technically proficient sometimes. This was a solid showing from you this week.

Sorry I didn't break down your verse like Adverse's but I feel I dont need to.

Overall, I enjoyed this. It wasnt quite what I expected from a Contender's match but it served its purpose. Adverse wasn't up to his usual standard and Bodey came in right at (high) expectation for me. So...

Vote - Bodey

Never ending respect to you both.

[Scar]

adverse, this was like a hybrid of blair witch and wicker man lulz. the story itself was engaging but it was lacking your usual level of writing. the flow were choppy at part but mostly, it didn't adhere to the strength of your writing. youre great at painting a picture, utilizing poetic language and palpable verbiage, however this was a bit understated compare to your other stuff you know? and against bodey you would have had to bring it all. But again, the story was engaging and it was transfixed the whole time wondering what will happen next lulz.

bodey, this was mad chilling; very twilight zone. I like time paradox concepts and i really like the way you went about this. And i liked that it stirred the emotional well also. the flow was crisp, the rhyming was very good. good use of description, you even managed to make sarcasm work, which can be hard in this type art form. "Now you’ve got a chance, ghosts are defenseless against sticks!” that was great.

v/bodey. i think she had a more well rounded verse. Adverse still told a good story but it was missing in other key components in comparison to his opponent this week. very enjoyable read guys.

[Pharaohs Army]

Adverse
A morbid and dark tale which kept me engaged, wanting to know what comes next.
The twist of course begins when she jams the syringe into his leg.

Bodey
Great descriptive writing, especially in the beginning parts. You really know how to paint a vivid picture with the senses. I could quote 5 right now if I wanted to but trust me, they're in there.... Lazy of me. I better quote some.
Desk-legs scraped against the floor,
and zippers whooshed its teeth around our backpacks

I met Jon when I was fourteen, he’s a piston for jokes
A walking ad for Ecko clothing and reeks of cigarette smoke

Our boring little town is surrounded by luxurious forests
Sprinkled with fresh-water ponds and curious tourists

We pedaled into the night, breathing in northeastern air
The trees fed mint into our nostrils and ruffled our hair

Daylight flooded all around me, turning the morning dew to diamonds

It smelled like mothball-flavored gasoline,
with beat-up softballs, faded magazines,
glass Coke bottles, crates of flags and beans,
yellow neckerchiefs with a couple badges seamed.
Scraps of sunburned newspaper blew around the floor


And on and on.

Now this is the tricky part. I'm confused by your ending, but based on your descriptive writing earlier in the story I think it's still enough for you to take the W here.

NOT saying Adverse wasn't descriptive. He was. Just not nearly as much this week.

I personally can't write a good 50 line narrative. So you should both be proud of yourselves. Thanks for the reads.

Bodey's just stood out more to me, despite my confusion at the end.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Adverse- ...well damn, that escalated quickly! I always like narratives in topical pieces, establishing characters, telling a clear story always has me reaching for the popcorn.

"They swing around meeting us with wide blue eyes, "Oh just feeling adventurous"
The other quipped "we laugh in the face of danger" i chuckled at the Simba impressionist"

^Made me chuckle^ The tone took a jarring turn here and there, but the pacing was steady and the horror themed conclusion fit like a glove. Good.

Bodey- Loved this. You a Stephen King fan by any chance? This is kind of thing he'd write if rhyming was his thing. You established the characters and the setting extremely well and in a punchy manner like:

"I met Jon when I was fourteen, he’s a piston for jokes
A walking ad for Ecko clothing and reeks of cigarette smoke"

Great way to get the audience invested in what happens to the characters. The rest of the narrative managed to ride the line between creepy with moments of levity thrown in to balance the mood.

"He snapped off a branch, and Jon couldn’t help himself with this:
“Now you’ve got a chance, ghosts are defenseless against sticks!”

The twist at the end was Shylaman... except actually good, and it putting earlier details in a different context was the mark of a good story teller. Gripping from start to finish.


Vote- Bodey, and after reading this battle gents, it's clear I've got to bring it next week.

[Inno]

5-0 BODEY WINS