WEEK 6 Champ Match: Universe vs Scar 4-1 SCAR WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Universe @Scar

Max line: 50

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 1, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Scar]

Greetings

[Universe]

Oh the places we'll go... :)

Good luck, Scar.

[Scar]

I went a few lines over, with Universe's permission.

"Oh the places we'll go..." - Universe



“A Light Story”

The street, paved with cobblestones and songs of olden,
cracked a facetious smile .. with every yard or so and
the bars, engrossed in Walker scotch and odes of
“man vs foe” lores lacking in a proper denouement
rests conveniently on the corner of “Colter” and “Fulton”
Wasn’t his crowd, he continued down to “Thoughts Unspoken”

***
A quiet, broad and broken road where ghosts and shadows are courted
“Its where my best ideas are forged” sometimes he’d ramble ‘til morning
Up ahead, along the bend, a glint, gradually forming
into a globule, he walked a few steps as darkness casts off a warning
The path contorted to the ongoing ebb and its flow.
Dusk has a scent; So relaxin’ against that ominous glow
It was odd. He’s sure he’s walked a few hundred yards at the most
But it appears to be of same distance it was, just moments ago...

***

He stopped, suddenly, and studied the space around him
Shrouded in darkness, completely void of shapes and sounds
“Is this death?” His gaze, bound to that light in the distance
A million questions and counting, if God and time still existed
“What is this?” “What isn’t it?” It was loud in admission
That light source somehow granted him the power and vision
To Pre-exist and re-exist - every hour and minute
He was all-time all the time. Totality tilt to his whims
“Can I count on you?” that voice again. With a whisk of the wind...

*woooosh*

The noise of Spring. strolling the antiquated avenue,
he sees a clinic poster pleading how “You can help fight cancer too!”
A valiant pursuit, with a little girl’s portrait serving as the voice of sickness
A couple shops down, a vintage toy store full of boyhood wishes
Star Wars memorabilia, Luke, Han, Star Destroyer stickers
He enjoyed the brisk walk; The ambiance and all the stories with it
across the street, a middle-aged couple engaged in dinner for two
Some kind of fish dish at a sickly overstated avenue
Pretentious decor; Dancing pyre professing “classy” perfection
The gentleman wore a pale face with eyes of glassy inflection
Next door, a book shop. Used properties as pages were fold
Front and center, an aging relic, Virginia’s “Room of One's Own”
By his feet, a newspaper rustle and flap to the placid spring wind
The Headline: Man obsessed with sister, held for psychiatric remission

**Another woooosh**

“Can I count on you .. to write me into existence?” Again, that voice. Those visions.
Before him was the light source. It hung in oblivion
Radiating painful pulses within a wall of obsidian
It kept pulsating and flashing; The pain was taxing
His body, chain reacting to it all, 'til all faded to black.

***

"Ouch!" The hard linoleum caught him off guard
He looked up only to see the lamplight mocking his fall
All around him was darkness, he rubbed on his jaw
“Must’ve fallen asleep”. Adjusting his hinge, he looked to the clock on the wall:
2:30 AM.

Arm, sore, he reached for his pad and his pen,
that was specially engraved as a gift from dad when he left:
“To The Best Son Ever, My Lad Colter Fulton”
Opens his notepad, that he aptly named “Thoughts Unspoken”
Soaking in the dream he had, “I think I got an opener..”
He stares at the lamp. It stares back. With a smile, he began…
“The street, paved with cobblestones and songs of olden,"

[Universe]

Chapter Four - Loose Ends

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142850

Chapter Five: The Dark Places We Hide

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato

......

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

I checked my pulse like a metronome, it kept the rhythm of the night
Yet a depressed mind in a childhood home might never come to light
Thought I went blind at first, my only company was my audible breath
I guess talking commenced to guide me to my next obvious step
The spotlight put me on edge, this circular shape had formed quick
The implications were enormous as I made my way toward it
There was a growing odd aroma, a burning smell, I'm guessing stove top
Was getting closed off until the tick tock of that metronome clock
I eavesdropped a Woman saying, "Embrace light, as it is your savior"
I stirred awake; A Therapist studied me with a pen pressed to paper
"Let's keep this journey going" she stated "steel your hate and move through"
"Close your eyes, you're getting tired, feel sleep's weight consume you..."
Daydreams were crucial; Suddenly there was a familiar door above me
Father came down the stairs with a bottle in your typical drunk scene
I tried running but restraints would hold me to the basement pole
My baby Brother was shaking cold, the abuse had to take its toll
Father craved control; He tossed the bottle and reached for his belt
Didn't care for myself, I tried to guard my Brother from the evil he dealt
But I couldn't speak all that well, he preferred my younger sibling no doubt
So he forced my Brother to his knees and stuck his dick in his mouth
I screamed out but it didn't help... my Brothers fingers were frantic
Asthma was rare but he was gasping for air, terror triggering panic
I envisioned Mother's figure standing atop the stairs, a timid image
She played with her hair then nervously turned to me "Just let him finish..."
Father bit his lip and pulled out as my Brother's neck violently lurched
He zipped up his pants and panted at me, "Next time it's your turn"
He returned upstairs, passing Mother while squeezing her butt
I checked on my Brother, that's when I heard footsteps creaking above...
They were heavy yet subtle, but something was rooted in fear
Soon after I heard Father ask, "Ben... what are you doing here?"
Mother rushed down the stairs, she untied us and said "Dress and be cordial"
"In a couple minutes come up, and remember... everything's normal"
We waited there for ages, then the conversation steered our way
So we rushed up into the kitchen and hid behind our Parents legs
I asked, "Uncle Ben, can you stay?" Hoping it would become our way out
But he just looked away and placed a loaded gun in his mouth
Mother shouted "Benjamin... don't!" But I knew it was the last straw
After I saw Uncle Ben blow his brains out all over the back wall
The last thought from a cracked skull-- "Then what happened?" The Therapist asked
The pistol was stashed and we were dragged back to our inherited trap
Then rapid knocks on the door upstairs, followed by "Police, open up!"
I heard a scuffle above, a scream of "Freeze!" then "Both are cuffed."
A Dark Figure in the light crept toward us... I thought this was it
But it was just a Cop... then he said "Oh my God... it's the kids...."
I opened my heavy eyelids, the Therapist had tears in her eyes
It all disappeared in rewind, she said "This is where you survive"
The metronome clock tick tocked, now this was hardly the time...
But emotions flooded over, I heard "Do you follow your heart or your mind?"
"All those scars can't just hide..." she wrapped her arms around mine
Then said "This is where the healing begins"...

And I started to cry.

......

- 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.

- About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.

Shine a light in the darkness.

https://preventchildabuse.org

https://www.canadahelps.org/en/chari...-support-site/

[Pharaohs Army]

So last week I said I couldn't "get into" a Scar verse. That all changed with his 4th stanza this week. Thought it was an exceptional snippet of writing. Enough to overcome Universe? Not sure yet.

Scar
So the beginning was a little rocky for me as you began personifying a street.
The street cracked a smile? Really? Over my head; sorry.
In the 2nd and 3rd stanza the descriptions really relate well to the picture.
Then golly; I'll quote it.

The noise of Spring. strolling the antiquated avenue,
he sees a clinic poster pleading how “You can help fight cancer too!”
A valiant pursuit, with a little girl’s portrait serving as the voice of sickness
A couple shops down, a vintage toy store full of boyhood wishes
Star Wars memorabilia, Luke, Han, Star Destroyer stickers
He enjoyed the brisk walk; The ambiance and all the stories with it
across the street, a middle-aged couple engaged in dinner for two
Some kind of fish dish at a sickly overstated avenue
Pretentious decor; Dancing pyre professing “classy” perfection
The gentleman wore a pale face with eyes of glassy inflection
Next door, a book shop. Used properties as pages were fold
Front and center, an aging relic, Virginia’s “Room of One's Own”
By his feet, a newspaper rustle and flap to the placid spring wind
The Headline: Man obsessed with sister, held for psychiatric remission

Just a superb piece of writing which, tongue-in-cheek, references some of you and your opponents verses from the past weeks (with links). Really liked the rhyming in this part as well, all the way down to "fish dish".

The next three stanzas wrap things up.
He looked up only to see the lamplight mocking his fall
Interesting way of putting it.

The ending is recursive, referencing the beginning of the piece itself.

Overall your verse filled me with intrigue (what's going on? is this all a dream? what is the light & voice?). This mysterious vibe made me feel it.
---

Universe
Another chapter of your dark tale.
The rhyming and meter are so on point it's almost enough for you to win every week based on that alone (but not quite!), because I just wasn't feeling this verse as much as Scar's.
There were again, moments of shock with--again--incest. In this case gay abusive incest between the father and his young son. And also a live suicide in front of the family by the Uncle.
While these moments were shocking, I must say I am slightly dulled to the shock since all of your writings in this league have these moments. So it's almost expected.
It was clever how you did this all as a shrink session with a therapist. Not easy to do.
Your links at the bottom are nice to shed light on the topic and offer help.

Again, I want to vote for you just based on your effortlessly tight mechanics, but I'm going to go with V/ Scar for the upset just based on the fact that his verse filled me with intrigue and his 4th stanza I thought was excellent.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Scar- Caught a gothic tone in this piece. Classical vibe. A dream granting inspiration like Kubla Khan. i liked the progression of the narrator seemingly caught between worlds on the street at night time, then the lighter tone of him 'waking up' to the human activity around him. Connecting with the world again:

"The noise of Spring. strolling the antiquated avenue,
he sees a clinic poster pleading how “You can help fight cancer too!”
A valiant pursuit, with a little girl’s portrait serving as the voice of sickness
A couple shops down, a vintage toy store full of boyhood wishes"

The light of inspiration reaching out to him as a means to exist was one I could relate to. To make it real as the narrator himself travelled back to reality. Very poetic, and the symmetry at the end of him writing the piece was a nice touch.


Universe- Damn. This was dark. The setting of the therapist's office was an original idea; a stable point which stood in direct opposition to the brutality of the childhood trauma and the almost supernatural element of the start of the piece. I really felt for your narrator, was rooting for him to find a way out of the nightmare scenario he was caught in:

"Mother rushed down the stairs, she untied us and said "Dress and be cordial"
"In a couple minutes come up, and remember... everything's normal""

That was powerful. An insight into the shit people in those situations would have to endure. The ending, the beginning of the healing process was cathartic to read, although a long way from happy.

Tough call, probably the closest battle I've read this week but...

Vote- Scar, a slight edge given from slightly better word choice and him bringing the story full circle at the end. Damn close though.

[Inno]

Scar

Ok so this was worded slick. You had some really nice phrasing through out the beginning while maintaining that sweat flow you had going. So obviously after reading the whole thing I get that he was day dreaming. Didn’t seem that way when I first got into the the verse tbh. Felt like you where describing a hallucination from what I gathered. I was digging the vibe you created with the voice thing. Felt like you used that to reference him coming in and out of sleep? I might be wrong. The middle part is where you shined with your phrasing and diction. I mean some top notch writing with superb imagery and emotion. Then that voice thing comes back again. At this point it’s a bit distracting for me I’ll explain later. The ending was spot on bro don’t know if you did this on purpose but you made reference to your first line which I think is pretty dope cuz who doesn’t dream and never remember any details? Every one lol. Dope stuff my man gotta read UNI to see if you won this.....



UNI

I like how this starts off with a somber tone. You set the scene perfectly like every verse this season tbh. I like how you set the scene and get right to the dark shit lol. It was a smooth transition tbh. I enjoyed the rhyming and phrasing as well. Seems you and scar matched wits this week. Like your opponent you had equally dope imagery that guided the story along nicely. Gotta say tho I wasn’t expecting such a dark turn. It was jarring but it felt like it was placed perfectly in the arch of the verse. In the end you tied in to last weeks verse with ben coming to the picture. I gotta a lot of question about why ben went their maybe I missed it but yeah. I’m assuming that story isn’t done yet so I’ll wait patiently. As far as how you approached the topic. I mean dam if that’s not a creative take I don’t know what is. You built a story around it instead of a story about it if that makes sense. Dope verse bro


Overall

This is a tough one for sure. I can see why people are staying away from this one and sinacog got 8 votes lol. Anyway scar had a dope take honestly both these dudes had a creative take on the topic so tie there. Technically speaking both where up to par with each other. Each shining in one way while the other in another but never really surpassing each other to far. So this for me basically comes down to preference and I gotta say scar wish you would spent a little more time fleshing out the voice idea. Maybe it went over my head but I just felt like after the first time it was unnecessary. UNI your verse is a continuation of a saga so this weeks entry leaves for sit of questions which could count against you but I’m not doing it this week. In the end man I got UNI edging this one. What a dope battle fellas thanks for the read.


UNI

[Bodey]

Scar- this was so beautifully written, i hope it's not being overlooked. the entire italicized part was my absolute favorite. you not only referenced your previous entry from last week, but you also referenced Universe's. super cool to incorporate this man's world into both of those. you have an amazing way of not only illustrating a scene, but making the reader feel the vibes of what's happening around the character at hand. the way it ends and starts over again, referencing light and time space and tying that altogether for it to just start from the beginning, that was super dope. i loved it.

Uni- very disturbing, wouldn't expect anything less. cool idea to be a patient running through the process of being hypnotized by a professional, just to relive horrific childhood memories. there were certain areas that you provided description, like the smell of the stove top and the references to the metronome clock throughout was cool. i do wish you elaborated more on the parts of his father running downstairs with a bottle, instead of saying "a typical drunken scene" like describe what that looks like. does he feel his hot whisky breath as he draws closer to this child with tainted innocence? what does the basement smell like, how cold is the air, what can it all be compared to? i think this piece would've been a lot more powerful if the lines had more details like that. but by no means was it bad, i've just seen better from you.

i'm gonna give this to Scar because i found his story take on it more descriptive and creative, it had this weird Fight Club type mentality where the main character doesnt exactly know whats going on and cant make sense of the reality he lives in. and it felt realer than Uni's story as far as actually FEELING it. thx for the read guys.

v/ Scar

[Ender]

Scar
Your writing reminds me a little of SacriFICE from back in the day. He also had an effortless flow. I like the aesthetics of your work. It is always beautifully presented. And I also enjoy more obscure pieces sometimes, although it can be a balancing act, because if it is too obscure I just lose interest. So I read the piece as a look inside the mind of a writer as he tries to decide what to write about. So the man walking down the streets is actually you (or Colter Fulton) walking down the streets of your own thoughts and imagination. This is why there were the two meeting streets of 'Colter' and 'Fulton', which is also the name of your main character. And continuing to 'Thoughts Unspoken' is another hint that we are inside the mind of the writer, Colter Fulton (you). And as you journey through your mind you find reminders of stories you have read and stories you have written from previous weeks. And all the time the story is just begging to be written 'into existence'. Then waking up from a journey through your own minds eye, you write the story of that journey, ending the story with the same line you started it with. I don't know if that's what you intended, but that's how I took the piece.
The only nitpick I have is that I wish you had trusted your readers more. I didn't love the links in the work. As soon as I read about Virginia's 'Room of One's Own' I knew exactly what you were referencing, which was before I had noticed the links. The links cheapened it a little for me. I think you should take the risk that it might go overlooked and not hold the reader's hand too much. I inserted a secret message in my piece this week for example, and nobody saw it, but I would prefer that to highlighting it.
Sorry about that, just made this about me for a second.
Anyway, I liked this piece quite a bit other than that.

Universe
First of all, before I start reading, I would encourage you to use paragraphs/stanzas or something to break up the text a little. Maybe it is just me, but sometimes I find a wall of text difficult to read. Having said that, I think I did a wall of text myself this week, so aren't I a hypocrite! Hey look at that, I made it all about me again. Moving on.
First of all, this was a truly depressing read. I understand that that was the vibe you were going for. A disturbing and depressing read. That kind of thing can work. Two of my favourite written works are '1984' and 'Flowers for Algernon', both of which depress the hell out of me every time I read them. So that isn't bad in and of itself. But child abuse hits a nerve for me, so the piece was always going to have to be near-perfect for me to enjoy it.
It was technically well-written. I would have liked to have a little more development of the characters (I know how hard this is in the line limit). But I think the main issue for me was your framing device. Since the main part of the story was a recollection under hypnosis, it robbed the story of immediate impact and stakes, because I know the events being told have already been resolved, one way or another. And I know the narrator will be fine. I think I would have enjoyed the story more with the framing device removed.
I think the story was good, you don't really ever write poor stories Universe, but the combination of the subject matter and the framing device meant I didn't connect with it as much as I would have liked to. Still a solid piece though.

For me I connected with Scar's piece more this week and I think his writing mechanics were a little stronger here.

Vote - Scar