GWL WK 2: Bodey vs Adverse (Adverse Wins)

[Objective]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


GTL WK2: @Bodey (1-0) vs @Adverse (1-0)

30 lines max.
Check-in due Wednesday UK time. Verses due Friday. Votes due Sunday.

Topic:

[Adverse]

Sweet sounds fun good luck Bodey

[Bodey]

[Adverse]

I'm going through some shit y'all prayers would be appreciated,

Oceanic Village
After decades of arrogant skeptical brows from political powers
When regarding the threat of inevitable war and chemical showers
Mark today, June 5th for its significance, - the day it rained missiles from the clouds
Disintegrated the town, as ballistic blitzes hit the crowds
Neighboring witnesses hundreds of miles out wincing at the sound
Waiting to be swallowed by the ball of light created when the bombs kissed the ground
But by a stroke of dumb luck, idiotic intuition
They all laughed when I'd sink every dollar of every profit i was gettin'
Into a bomb shelter that would guard me from harm and all afflictions
Is it psychotic to say when the day came all i felt honestly was frisson?
I survived! But sadly as rations are consumed they grew thinner
And I'm stepping into this hazmat suit to face the nuclear winter
So now I'm blinded by the faded sunlight showcasing a decimated land
Craters excavated the soil where my friend's places used to stand
Everything that i used to know is dead in vacant sand
Society just kept falling until it landed in devastation's hands
The lone wanderer, traversing tough terrain and ruggish scapes
Trail blazing through makeshift cities pasted together from what remained
Grew tougher skin, upon visiting camps of strange faces
One thing that was consistent amongst them, was a story of a safe haven
A city built on the ocean...is it as hopeless as it seems?
Just something they whisper late at night to coax the kids to sleep?
Is humanity's symbol of restoration there floatin' on the sea?
I smother that light inside my heart "It's a hoax, it's just a dream…"
But as i finally reach the end of my journey through desolation
My knees hit the sand promptly spurring a revelation
I remove my suit, feel the sand beneath my toes under the shaded sun
The salted air is revitalizing, though it feels like razors in my radiated lungs
The spray of the sea meets my body, my arms open when i feel it
I take my first and last breath all in one, as i lay my gaze upon the oceanic village

[Bodey]

May I have an extension til tomorrow? My living situation got a little fucked up over the last couple days and I had to move all my shit. @Adverse

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by Bodey

May I have an extension til tomorrow? My living situation got a little fucked up over the last couple days and I had to move all my shit. @Adverse

That’s fine by me miss take care of you first.

[Bodey]

I pick at my lips until they bleed, until the whites of my fingernails turn black.
I rip and lick away the deed and wait a day for them to crack.
And repeat.
Self-quarantined inside my ears, away from a world that’s lost their minds.
My thoughts grow swampy this time of year, maybe the world is safe from mine.
I’ve built houses of arguments that never took place,
confusing holiday ribbons with orange and white snakes.
That getaway rental in Martha’s Vineyard, swaying on stilts that have rotted inward.
I don’t have to touch it to get a splinter; the memories squatting bludgeons the picture
Happier times, I guess. That thing stole words from my breath.
Wrapping a vine around my neck, poisonous herbs come enmeshed
But it’s quiet now.
Eye of the storm? Or had it already hit?
I look around, and the reflection of the water says I’m sorry as shit.
Usually it’s louder, but today my shaky hands clutches onto a stick.
I smile. Because the jagged end drips with something darker.
It’s gonna be awhile before I can paddle any farther
So I take it with me. Maybe baggage can be beautiful
I’m an addict, I’m unusual. I can’t fathom anything more suitable
It’s gonna be okay this time, I can feel the natural highs go steady
This demon will shrink, I’ll be fine.
I can see the light already

[Universe]

Great battle here. Loved it.

Adverse - Beautiful imagery as always. Your verse was solid throughout as expected, not quite to the level of last week in terms of storytelling, but still, enjoyed reading your take on this unique topic. You have an ability to draw pictures with your words... like reading a painting. Well done.


Bodey - surprised me here. Loved your piece. Had some great lines and set ups... loved the quarantined mind section especially. The problem here was the story wasnt as focused as Adverse's. You took cues from the picture, but didnt really delve into it. You made the picture fit your words more than your words fitting the picture... if you get my meaning. I think a little more of a focus on telling a unique story and you would've had this one.

Very close. But as it stands...

Vote - Adverse

[dead man]

this one is tough for me, cause here's how i see it

Bodey, you wrote something personal and petrifying. it was a deep look at yourself through a perspective on this picture. you mentioned your living situation changed so it seems a bit of the negative emotion associated with that event definitely influenced the way you took this topic. it almost sounds like you kind of used it as a filter for a verse you may have written anyway. it had a lot of evocative images, "houses of arguments that never took place", "vine around your neck" to detail this bit of introspection that ventures on the border of self gratifying, but more an assertion of self-doubt based on your past.
so, here's the issue. i liked this verse, as a piece of writing, more than i liked adverse's submission. the cadence of the 1st submission seemed to drag on uncomfortably and by the time i could picture the things you were describing i had kind've lost my rhythm. the story was well-defined in its arc and theme but the execution felt sloppy and some of the actual rhyme choices were questionable. slant rhymes and creative pronunciation on these things are great, and not rhyming is sometimes better, but a forced word is like a brick in a wall that doesnt really fit. its inconsequential at first glance but compromises the whole foundation. as far as the positives. it was a cool story of apocalypse and rebirth and rediscovery. it felt a bit book of eli if you know what i mean. so that was cool. and you told your story very well. it was properly paced and interesting. and, once i finished it i scrolled back up to the picture and i could see it perfectly. it felt right. for that reason alone, i've gotta hand it to

ADVERSE

thanks guys

[Adverse]

Adverse wins 2-0