Lyme da zeez vs Flow[OPEN FOR VOTES]

Razah · 10-30-2018, 04:00 PM

Lime Disease, way to kick off a verse. Everything was really smooth until this line:

Heart is drooping from the sadness, means my pasts not truly harmless,

When that line started, I felt like the flow suffered and started feeling force in certain areas after that. Prior to that, shit was buttery. I may be wrong, but, I interpreted that whole conversation as a conversation with death, as opposed to cupid. I think developing the story about 'cupids target' more would have tied in & given us a reason to understand how distraught he is, to the point where he would jump off a bridge. Besides that, this was really on point. I liked the flow on this, schemes kept things really smooth, story was good, good verse.

Flow, yous' a sucka for love. Lol. This was cool. Pretty straight forward, decent rhyming which kept the pace pretty good. Nothing really stood out to me though. A lot of these rhymes also felt like, straight out of a rhyming book. Wish I had more to say.

PS: I'm pretty sure both of you posted more than 30 lines. *shrugs*

vLyme da zeez

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10-30-2018, 04:00 PM	#1
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328545	Lime Disease, way to kick off a verse. Everything was really smooth until this line: Heart is drooping from the sadness, means my pasts not truly harmless, When that line started, I felt like the flow suffered and started feeling force in certain areas after that. Prior to that, shit was buttery. I may be wrong, but, I interpreted that whole conversation as a conversation with death, as opposed to cupid. I think developing the story about 'cupids target' more would have tied in & given us a reason to understand how distraught he is, to the point where he would jump off a bridge. Besides that, this was really on point. I liked the flow on this, schemes kept things really smooth, story was good, good verse. Flow, yous' a sucka for love. Lol. This was cool. Pretty straight forward, decent rhyming which kept the pace pretty good. Nothing really stood out to me though. A lot of these rhymes also felt like, straight out of a rhyming book. Wish I had more to say. PS: I'm pretty sure both of you posted more than 30 lines. shrugs vLyme da zeez