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06-03-2013, 10:35 AM
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SuPreaM Lyricyst
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 704
Battle Record: 9-6
Rep Power: 412358   |
Not as strong as your first piece. Like the attempt at wordplay, next time work on making the distinction more explicit in the line and the use of the metaphor/simile rather than spelling it out for us, interrupts any sense of flow, this didn't rhyme very well either.
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