RD 1: Cimmerian vs Bags - CIMMERIAN WINS!

UnbornBuddha · 09-03-2016, 06:26 PM

I loved Cimmerian's imagery and his short rapid style. But if I'm being candid it is strange that it was only 12 lines when the minimum, per rule, is 16. And you then accused your competitor of breaking some rule. I mean I don't really care, but just an observation.
And I felt that verse has some loose ends, especially in the interconnectedness of the entire piece. But in this brief presentation, you also manage to say much, while saying very little. Themes of loss, decay, represented by this images of embers, winter, etc. And I liked your ending. It wasn't a stereotypical finale, but ended with a sort of flip. That yes winter has passed, but also somehow always on the horizon.

Bags: I get why you chose to do what you did, but it came off as tacky. You know in songs, sometimes there is this loop or interjections within songs of famous rap quotes from other artists, usually of Rakim, or Big L, or Biggie, and it gives more credence to the song. But in this kind of writing, it gives it a different air. I enjoyed the read, it did have a 90's feel to it and it would probably sound nice recited. There were some interesting spurs of creative writing, particularly the ones that Pinot highlighted. The gunman line is very straightforward and poignant essentially. Yet, I have to vote for the writing that captivated me the most, stylistically speaking.

Vote: Cimmerian

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09-03-2016, 06:26 PM	#5
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	I loved Cimmerian's imagery and his short rapid style. But if I'm being candid it is strange that it was only 12 lines when the minimum, per rule, is 16. And you then accused your competitor of breaking some rule. I mean I don't really care, but just an observation. And I felt that verse has some loose ends, especially in the interconnectedness of the entire piece. But in this brief presentation, you also manage to say much, while saying very little. Themes of loss, decay, represented by this images of embers, winter, etc. And I liked your ending. It wasn't a stereotypical finale, but ended with a sort of flip. That yes winter has passed, but also somehow always on the horizon. Bags: I get why you chose to do what you did, but it came off as tacky. You know in songs, sometimes there is this loop or interjections within songs of famous rap quotes from other artists, usually of Rakim, or Big L, or Biggie, and it gives more credence to the song. But in this kind of writing, it gives it a different air. I enjoyed the read, it did have a 90's feel to it and it would probably sound nice recited. There were some interesting spurs of creative writing, particularly the ones that Pinot highlighted. The gunman line is very straightforward and poignant essentially. Yet, I have to vote for the writing that captivated me the most, stylistically speaking. Vote: Cimmerian