Round One: Asylum vs. Reserve: NYCSPITZ (ASYLUM WINS 3-2)

Razah · 06-16-2016, 06:35 PM

The tsunami couplet threw me off flow wise. Overall, solid verse. I like certain wording you use, very descriptive.

The pictures on his helmet flew off and got stuck to my cheek, such a resemblance,

Like, that gives me a literal picture of what's going on. Now, if you were able to put a descriptive line like this and managed to shorten up the syllable count, the flow might improve and be descriptive as well..

The next verse seems very fast. I read it twice, and I just feel like it's a summary of a verse or something. It was written well, I'm just not intrigued by what took place. I appreciate both verses being short, but I felt like Asylum was more vivid and descriptive, while NYC had a technically better verse, it just didn't grab me as much.

vasylum

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06-16-2016, 06:35 PM	#6
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328545	The tsunami couplet threw me off flow wise. Overall, solid verse. I like certain wording you use, very descriptive. The pictures on his helmet flew off and got stuck to my cheek, such a resemblance, Like, that gives me a literal picture of what's going on. Now, if you were able to put a descriptive line like this and managed to shorten up the syllable count, the flow might improve and be descriptive as well.. The next verse seems very fast. I read it twice, and I just feel like it's a summary of a verse or something. It was written well, I'm just not intrigued by what took place. I appreciate both verses being short, but I felt like Asylum was more vivid and descriptive, while NYC had a technically better verse, it just didn't grab me as much. vasylum