Week 6: Breathless vs. ZeeDee (BREATHLESS WINS 4-3)

Frank · 04-13-2016, 10:38 AM

MVGT ZeeDee

ZeeDee never fails to assimilate sexual escapades into his writings haha. Centering his raunchy approaches around the vulgar and taboo. Prolific writing, some noticeably interwoven multies throughout kept the verse erect enough to penetrate the psyche until the anticlimactic final line. You captured this moment, this fantasy, in a bubble. You are one of the most adept at depicting graphic portrayals of this nature online. Stick around. Welcome back. Breathless verse was effective as a free flowing spin on the prophecys and everything it entails. I liked and disliked the disconnected flow. On one hand, it registered as spontaneous. On the other hand, it teeter tottered on discombobulatedness. Breathless was more poignant in the last 3/4ths, some fancy movement was on display in your technique. Ultimately I just enjoyed ZeeDees wilder, much more daring approach.

timeless · 04-13-2016, 11:12 AM

Breath, had such a difficult time in reading this. Idk if you think you're being original with the way you structured the first half of your verse or what, but yo it just doesn't work bro. The pushover of rhyme schemes into the next line is so abusive to the smoothness you could potentially have. Other than that I thought this was fairly solid overall. I dug the fuck out of how it ended. The whole time it's like I was waiting for something to happen but nothing really did. I just pictured a kid with his hat low staring at the ground lol.

Zeedee, details galore, a smorgasbord of sexual interactions that would rise the dick of Adonis I'm sure. There was ALOT of filler and forced rhymes in this verse. Very unappealing, and honestly I think you lost my vote because of that. Your story could've been better as well, the ending did nothing for me. Work on your cadence, you're overworking everything and your piece drowns in itself.

V. Breathless

04-13-2016, 10:38 AM	#1
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	MVGT ZeeDee ZeeDee never fails to assimilate sexual escapades into his writings haha. Centering his raunchy approaches around the vulgar and taboo. Prolific writing, some noticeably interwoven multies throughout kept the verse erect enough to penetrate the psyche until the anticlimactic final line. You captured this moment, this fantasy, in a bubble. You are one of the most adept at depicting graphic portrayals of this nature online. Stick around. Welcome back. Breathless verse was effective as a free flowing spin on the prophecys and everything it entails. I liked and disliked the disconnected flow. On one hand, it registered as spontaneous. On the other hand, it teeter tottered on discombobulatedness. Breathless was more poignant in the last 3/4ths, some fancy movement was on display in your technique. Ultimately I just enjoyed ZeeDees wilder, much more daring approach. __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 04-13-2016 at 10:41 AM.

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04-13-2016, 11:12 AM	#2
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,623 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341329	Breath, had such a difficult time in reading this. Idk if you think you're being original with the way you structured the first half of your verse or what, but yo it just doesn't work bro. The pushover of rhyme schemes into the next line is so abusive to the smoothness you could potentially have. Other than that I thought this was fairly solid overall. I dug the fuck out of how it ended. The whole time it's like I was waiting for something to happen but nothing really did. I just pictured a kid with his hat low staring at the ground lol. Zeedee, details galore, a smorgasbord of sexual interactions that would rise the dick of Adonis I'm sure. There was ALOT of filler and forced rhymes in this verse. Very unappealing, and honestly I think you lost my vote because of that. Your story could've been better as well, the ending did nothing for me. Work on your cadence, you're overworking everything and your piece drowns in itself. V. Breathless