Week 6: Symetrik vs. Just Write (JUST WRITE WINS SHUTOUT 7-0)

symetrik · 04-12-2016, 02:39 AM

I keep calm by watching the jagged hills in green fields.
To her, the thunder I thrust into her chest almost seems real.
I am, giver of the saline drip to drum up a clean bill.
Yet she nods her head to morphine like she's never heard of free will.

it means nil. she's a dumb dummy. a drug junky.
I'd rather hop the fence at petting zoos and hug bunnies.
and I'll admit, I've been jaded on the daily.
I'm pissed that I can't smack sense… I hate it, frankly.

sick of saving her damn life, giving her pills to fade pain.
crazy that I have to beg my baby not to screw her life up before it takes shape.
I don't use brakes or pray on the ride back.
cuz if I stopped long enough to care on our way there, I might snap.

she's like "dad? I called…", and yeah… I'm damn proud,
only act mad when I look back and can tell that she's blacked out.
crackle on the mic, and I'm told that I am "off route."
like "no shit houston, it's my daughter in the bed... now back down."

2tripple0 · 04-12-2016, 03:42 PM

Wow this was not close at all.....symetrik just really didn't put as much effort in as his opponent and really after last week when u shut me out on votes with a verse very similar to this one and although people thought last week was one of my weaker verses I still am confused how people ultimately voted against me....me personally I think you need a lot of work... Ya rhymes were less than favorable and I think u need work on following along to your topic.... OTOH just write came with a verse about a guy named Tommy who is a literary addict whose always got his nose in a book...not the most picturesque of a verse but it still was enough to gratfiy himself with my vote....so yeah....

Vote: just write

Adverse · 04-12-2016, 09:54 PM

Sym, I liked your concept and all but it just feels rushed. I'd like to see how it would have developed if you sat, thought about it, and gave it some room to grow, just from that small taste I can tell that you're a good writer, hopefully next week is kinder to your schedule and we get to read something a little bit longer!

JW, really liked the story, man. I found common ground with your main character, Tommy as I think a lot of younger people these days would. And with relating to the concept I was better equipped to insert myself right into your story, it was great. I really liked how your bars connected and your narrative skills, great job over all.

Vote-Just Write, for obvious reasons.

04-12-2016, 03:42 PM	#2
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	Wow this was not close at all.....symetrik just really didn't put as much effort in as his opponent and really after last week when u shut me out on votes with a verse very similar to this one and although people thought last week was one of my weaker verses I still am confused how people ultimately voted against me....me personally I think you need a lot of work... Ya rhymes were less than favorable and I think u need work on following along to your topic.... OTOH just write came with a verse about a guy named Tommy who is a literary addict whose always got his nose in a book...not the most picturesque of a verse but it still was enough to gratfiy himself with my vote....so yeah.... Vote: just write __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

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04-12-2016, 02:39 AM	#1
symetrik Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 710 Battle Record: 5-7 Rep Power: 12429299	I keep calm by watching the jagged hills in green fields. To her, the thunder I thrust into her chest almost seems real. I am, giver of the saline drip to drum up a clean bill. Yet she nods her head to morphine like she's never heard of free will. it means nil. she's a dumb dummy. a drug junky. I'd rather hop the fence at petting zoos and hug bunnies. and I'll admit, I've been jaded on the daily. I'm pissed that I can't smack sense… I hate it, frankly. sick of saving her damn life, giving her pills to fade pain. crazy that I have to beg my baby not to screw her life up before it takes shape. I don't use brakes or pray on the ride back. cuz if I stopped long enough to care on our way there, I might snap. she's like "dad? I called…", and yeah… I'm damn proud, only act mad when I look back and can tell that she's blacked out. crackle on the mic, and I'm told that I am "off route." like "no shit houston, it's my daughter in the bed... now back down."

04-12-2016, 09:54 PM	#3
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,752 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446146	Sym, I liked your concept and all but it just feels rushed. I'd like to see how it would have developed if you sat, thought about it, and gave it some room to grow, just from that small taste I can tell that you're a good writer, hopefully next week is kinder to your schedule and we get to read something a little bit longer! JW, really liked the story, man. I found common ground with your main character, Tommy as I think a lot of younger people these days would. And with relating to the concept I was better equipped to insert myself right into your story, it was great. I really liked how your bars connected and your narrative skills, great job over all. Vote-Just Write, for obvious reasons.