WK16: 8-5 Mr. J vs. 3-8 Timeless - Mr J wins

asylum · 11-12-2015, 05:53 PM

Mr. J - great flow, rhymes are proper. had no idea what was going on until the end, you did weave it in throughout. I enjoyed your tone. very calming, melodic. however, your last bar was in a completely different voice. it threw me off. favorite lines..
I am drawn by the unknown, captivated by the mystery of night
who knew in these moments; we could bring modern history to life

good openening lines. got me interested enough to get into it.

timeless - for such a short piece, I don't think the breaks were appropriate. sticking to the same tone would've helped you a bit. rhymes were very simple in the second stanza, but the first one was strong. I think you should've stuck with the tone from the first stanza but in all reality you were going for a twist in a very short amount of lines so you gave it a good shot. I think this was hit and miss but you did a lot with what space you had available, so with that being said.. this was a cool little piece and I enjoyed the read but it was pretty fucked up!

/v mr j took this with mechanics and flow.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Threaded Mode

11-12-2015, 05:53 PM	#7
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 999 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214211	Mr. J - great flow, rhymes are proper. had no idea what was going on until the end, you did weave it in throughout. I enjoyed your tone. very calming, melodic. however, your last bar was in a completely different voice. it threw me off. favorite lines.. I am drawn by the unknown, captivated by the mystery of night who knew in these moments; we could bring modern history to life good openening lines. got me interested enough to get into it. timeless - for such a short piece, I don't think the breaks were appropriate. sticking to the same tone would've helped you a bit. rhymes were very simple in the second stanza, but the first one was strong. I think you should've stuck with the tone from the first stanza but in all reality you were going for a twist in a very short amount of lines so you gave it a good shot. I think this was hit and miss but you did a lot with what space you had available, so with that being said.. this was a cool little piece and I enjoyed the read but it was pretty fucked up! /v mr j took this with mechanics and flow.