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10-30-2015, 08:34 AM
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#8 |
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Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 86
Battle Record: 3-2
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Jeso- did a good job describing the phases of changing to the eating towards the end. It flowed well and had okay word usage and imagery in some areas. On the flip side I thought you could have took the same imagery approach into the change more, describe it exactly as you see it happening. You have enough there for the reader to understand the change but not to paint it completely. I also thought in a couple of bars were forcing vocab in there, whew I feel the verse would have been smoother by just being a bit simpler. And the ending didn't feel complete. Overall a decent verse that could've been worked on more.
Timeless - short and incomplete. The flow and readability was real nice though. It had a certain rhythm that it maintained. I can see where you took it off of the topic but as I said this just felt incomplete to me. Mvgt: Jeso - a more complete verse.
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