Week 5: Innovator (2-2) vs. Dancake (0-1) DANCAKE 7-0

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:
TBA

Good luck
@Innovator @Dancake

[Inno]

In.

[PancakeBrah]

In.

[Split Eight]

[Inno]

Is dan gonna show?
I doubt it. But fuck it let write a quick flow
Much like the topic this battle is empty
Not much to say when u dont have company
Ironically this verse is about nothIng
A prince left at his crowning
Heres a verse hinging towards seinfeld
Empty plots with empty signs held
He sits among the specters and wraiths
Among the ar abs ghost of fate
No existence to existing past tence
A memory lost in relevance.
So there you have it
A verse written for others habit's

[PancakeBrah]

she picked the pockets, checked for a wallet and change.
anything loose. then whiplashed the jeans versus her hips.
a melancholy refrain. then another subservient flick
into the washer. she'd wait right beside.
a naked, biding time. a wicker hamper for seat,
her toe tapped to a beat. eyes off in the window,
looking awfully widowed as he sat in content.
the cycle would stop in an instant, to break her stare.
changing to the dryer,
the absolute utmost weight she'd bear.

they'd fold in union. she stared at every seam,
ignoring every one of his smiles, and attempts,
as if in a dream. a co-ed work, in mild contempt;
enough to send a message. he'd grin and accept,
then retire to a film, as she double skimmed and re-checked;
whites with whites. Colors with colors, shorts and pants.
each and every, sorted, starched. perfect at glance.
and then re-perfected. unfolded then refolded, again,
in her repent, in the hole of his den.

they lay arm to arm. as alien as lovers,
wide awake. made to another, bound by a pomp, and a circumstance.
a once teenage, flirting glance. to this, now.

"Did you lay out his clothes?" he creeked out.
"You know I did."
A pause in the breath. An unfolding bridge.
"He isn't coming back, you know that, right?"
She turned over. Better that dream, than his cold black night.

She tapped his old wallet, to know it was there.

[Razah]

@Razah this is not a vote. . Please edit my post if you care to elaborate though

[YDK]

Tbh this was hard for me to vote one.
On one hand it's a no show verse for the most part which kept the technique an form even if short and kinda off topic, and on the other hand a verse that was either rushed or trying way too hard to be different that it kinda collapsed in itself.
Dancake I feel this was an awesome poem, but this is a topical league and the hesitating flow really took away from this because even after reading it three times it still made me stop alot to see where the rhymes caught up with each other. Again poetry but not suited as well for this battle.
But even with that aside you stayed on topic decent enough and atleast tried to tell a story verses a no show verse with sound technicals.
Fortunately because of the topic use I have to vote for Dan but any more effort at all to stay on topic probably would have resulted in a reversal of my vote.
Vote dancake

[2tripple0]

wow well that could have been a really dope battle I think if innovator had dropped something that looked more like a serious verse... I started reading dancakes and thought uhh this aint good...but then when his second verse started it was awesome to see the use of repetition to get his topic across of a lady folding and doing laundry for her son whom im guessing left home or died or something like that and it worked really well with the topic I enjoyed the idea of a woman or mother who wanted to keep her sons clothes clean like she did throughout his life and that was really sentimental and something I totally related to for reasons Id rather not explain.... but my vote goes to dancake for writing a really cool piece overall

vote......dancake

[UnbornBuddha]

Lol, innovator pulled a funny here. But, obviously it was as you said a "quick flow", a quickly produced keystyle that was produced as a last alternative, but alas your opponent showed and I think you should have still writen something where effort was actually applied, so you could have produced something more noteworthy, which your fully capable of.

Dan: For the most part, I liked this and the direction you took. Albeit, I couldn't figure out if her societal role was that of a wife or mother doing the folding for her deceased husband or long gone son. It's inconsequential really, though, whichever it is since the essence was relayed and the feeling you were hoping to convey was. One mishap I see here is that all the stops do really take away from this reading like a verse, while not a negative thing, it nevertheless makes it more of a literary rendition that happens to rhyme. Also, another aspect I noticed is that you usually go for a particular type of language and vocabulary, but here you went for a more down to earth vernacular. Another observation I happen to notice is that your rhyme schemes were less complex, you usually go for more creative multi's, so this coupled with my other previous observation tells me that you didn't put too much effort into creating this and it does show. Nevertheless, I think you conveyed the feeling you were going for, which is a deep lingering heaviness bearing on the women's heart, as she does this repetitious activity that keeps her mind distracted from the pain of losing her loved one, whatever that losing entailed.

Vote: Dancake

[Woke]

inno - I understand you thought this would be an easy win but even still I read this and didn't much care for it. Not sure how it fit the topic really and didn't like the content overall

Daniel - I enjoyed the slight twist in the end as well as the somber feel you provided in words. There was emotion to the character, from manuerism to heart break with out ever talking about the emotional loss out in the open. I liked this verse. Was a bit boring in the begining, but you did a good job opening a view of this wife so, there's that.

v/ Daniel

simply had the better verse

[asylum]

Mgvt dancake, he wrote a superior verse in every way. I especially enjoyed the second stanza. The third one threw me through a loop tho. Not really sure what was going on there. Also enjoyed how the rhymes were spread out.

[sral]

I'm literally just stopping by to vote because I at least read both pieces and this one is obviously a blow-out win for him.

Figured I'd stop by purely so this could be closed early and other battles could get votes.

Drop this in OM if you care to @Dancake and i'll get at it more in depth for you.

[Razah]

Originally Posted by Razah

@Razah this is not a vote. . Please edit my post if you care to elaborate though

dammit man.

I forgot what I said, but whatever- I'll get more in depth with this vote.

To me, this was a no show verse from Innovator, obviously. I knowww he can drop verses that are much better. Anyways, this was short, but I really enjoyed this line.

A memory lost in relevance.

Pretty slick.

Dancake had a really dope twist on the topic. I think it's that much doper cuz I don't think that's one of the first thoughts I would've came up with. So, that makes it a little bit better for me.

The wording on this, was kind of weird, but, dope, at the same time. The way it was worded allowed for the story to be developed well. Like "Godcomplex" said, I couldn't tell what her role was, either mother/wife, but, that didn't really matter to me.

I really liked the story. The idea that someone would be out there, doing that, for a lost loved one, is pretty sad, but believable. The best part out of this verse was the actual concept you went with, plus the wording was pretty good. Enjoyed it.

vDancake.

--------

I hope this is a good enough vote :/

[POET MiNDER]

It would seem Innovator dropped a no-show verse?


Dancake had a nice drop here. Good emotion and story telling. Didn't feel rushed while still being short and sweet. I enjoyed the take on the concept.

she picked the pockets, checked for a wallet and change.
anything loose. then whiplashed the jeans versus her hips.
a melancholy refrain. then another subservient flick
into the washer. she'd wait right beside.
a naked, biding time. a wicker hamper for seat,
her toe tapped to a beat. eyes off in the window,
looking awfully widowed as he sat in content.
the cycle would stop in an instant, to break her stare.
changing to the dryer,
the absolute utmost weight she'd bear.

This first bit was a nice set of scenery.

they'd fold in union. she stared at every seam,
ignoring every one of his smiles, and attempts,
as if in a dream. a co-ed work, in mild contempt;
enough to send a message. he'd grin and accept,
then retire to a film, as she double skimmed and re-checked;
whites with whites. Colors with colors, shorts and pants.
each and every, sorted, starched. perfect at glance.
and then re-perfected. unfolded then refolded, again,
in her repent, in the hole of his den.


they lay arm to arm. as alien as lovers,
wide awake. made to another, bound by a pomp, and a circumstance.
a once teenage, flirting glance. to this, now.

A very emotional description here. Really showcasing a collapse in the subjects personal relationship after. Great flow and schemes, as well.

"Did you lay out his clothes?" he creeked out.
"You know I did."
A pause in the breath. An unfolding bridge.
"He isn't coming back, you know that, right?"
She turned over. Better that dream, than his cold black night.

She tapped his old wallet, to know it was there.

Cool ending. Though I'm not a fan of the quoted conversations in verse's, you at least kept it in a rhyme scheme that worked and closed it off nicely.

If Innovator wants feed, let me know. Figured he just threw this up though.

MVGT: Dancake