AOWL Week 10: Vulgar (2-0) VS. TopicalDood5 (4-0) [VULGAR WINS, 7-3.]

[Split]

Vulgar.

so this is what happens when you take seven weeks off from competitive writing... cadence was superb. where most top shelf writers have sets and series of well put together multis accompanied by strong wording, your syllabic beat/ rhythm really seems to emerge on a macroscopic level.
saw it when I read your verse from start to finish without stopping. traditional scheme switches are superfluous/ do not rely on consonance or assonance, simply fall in place in your meter. really lets you take whatever direction you want, lyircally. bravo

translation. flow was butter, start to finish, and carbo-lubed up your caloric fodder while we sat in the darkness waiting for you to illuminate your story.

the story itself, unwound very nicely. im not sure how to summarize it. awesome

A Benz and some dentures seems to be the prominent goal
Coming to terms with the cold world we live, marching to the opposite pole
Trying to comprehend that it’s useless to live through our columns & domes
My dear friend, you wouldn’t believe all the property rights loops I’ve had
Territorial disputes have me fighting to keep the roof intact!
In a war through paperwork and lawyers, clauses and fine print lines
My Sprint’s fine, but I sprint by through time shifts as tribes sip wine
Because even though we’re past the hunter-gatherer phase
we’re Sony Walkmen traipsing through a wasteland, its sunken caverns ablaze

^insane.


TD5

It tumbles in to the prison in the form of Cambodian villagers
Those abducted - stolen, imprisoned till the end of their eroding existence
It's so cold - they're either frozen or prone to explosive conniptions
And they're eyes hold the visions - they've recently seen

that really worked for you

i feel like your rhyming was not quite as effective as Vulgar's, overall, but was still nicely done. really started connecting at the end. I like your choice of phrases, they are powerful by themselves ("Pol Pot's scythes of destiny" lol nice) and are good components to work with. like metallic K'nex.

in terms of the story itself, it was structured and delivered well, but at the same time didnt work the topic to its full extent. there was no AHA moment, no proverbial snap of the noose where your eyes open wide before the close, and yet it didnt seem to be stitching together a spacetime-fabric that displayed your mantra on a banner.

basically, it developed in the womb exactly how it should have, but after both stories were birthed, Vulgar's simply bitch-slapped it down a link on the food chain and ate its damn pudding cups.

V/ Vulgar