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#1 |
Razor-thin derision
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#2 |
Banned
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#3 |
Shrewd as evearthed
Join Date: Aug 2014
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#4 |
Shrewd as evearthed
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
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I've locked horns with the best of them
defeated many come dawn. Not by sheer strength but by intellect, choosing brains over brawn. I'm a muscular mini-beast with an exo-skeletal crown Fighting to become king of the heap, top of the mound. The most dangerous dung beetle, a merchant of no-mercy. With limbs that are long lethal weapons, I fight dirty. This terra firma my territory, another push. Another shove. A kingdom fitting my earthly needs, built from the ground up. Triumphant it towers til that bastard fate intervenes, and a rival surmounts the hill, it's pincers clacking conceit. Gypsofeila our arena rich with yellows and reds as we amble nearer and nearer in a contest to the death. Beady eyes beckon a test of steely reserve It's an entirety of seconds before a victors emerged. The flightier of feet usurping me now to become king of the heap, on top of the mound. I hadn't just lost to him for I truly prefer to insist that sometimes you win, while sometimes you learn.
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- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season) Last edited by sral; 08-12-2015 at 02:32 PM. |
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#5 |
Ad mini tator
Join Date: Feb 2013
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I knew u wrote poetry lol. This was dope and true to your skill
You wrote a dam near perfect poem as far as technical skill and Overall grasp of the topic. Dope shit man foreal. Interesting you went For a rhyming poems. Did you feel more comfortable with that style. Seeing This is your first poetry battla? Curious. Anyway the only auggestion i can Give you is, try not to be so rigid with your words. What mean is its ok To go off on a tangent in poetry as long as u got the skills to do it right You obviously do. Let those feels out son. This was a dope piece but it Felt cold if u know what i mean. Hope u stay in. Thanks gor the read bro |
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#6 |
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Join Date: Jan 2013
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I enjoyed the poem a lot for what it is - A straight forward tale of a warrior. The only thing I didn't like was the rather abrupt switch ups in flow/rhyming, I feel like your fourth stanza is the biggest offender here. I felt the switch up also kind of destroyed momentum towards the end and left me with a poorer impression than what I entered with after I had read the last verse. But that might be just me though so take it for what it's worth. Decent showing nonetheless though, I thought it was cool enough.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
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#7 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
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A technically proficient piece, I read this like something in a children's book about ant dynamics. The illustrations were simple and catered to a visual level. I think a step in the abstract direction would morph your pieces in a positive way when it comes to poetry. For rhymed verse, there are stricter parameters - especially for competition, but letting your imagination roam free and getting into the role of a warrior ant/dungbeetle even more.
This story was clever because there was a tricky difference between a dungbeetle's mound and an anthill mound. Both insects have natural places on top of their respective mounds, yet this poem explores and defines a quarrel over this vertical location. Welcome to the league, stick with it. |
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#8 |
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2015
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Enjoyable verse. Good imagery but really good character build up. Not as Gorey as it could/should have been, but you were poetical enough. Also liked the shortened ABAB scheme, fits the bill here pretty well I feel. Eat a dick
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