UnbornBuddha vs Razah (UnbornBuddha wins)

Vulgar · 07-06-2015, 09:32 PM

LGPA Season 1: Week 2

@UnbornBuddha @Razah

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)

Topic:

The 2nd Industrial Revolution

The industrial revolution marked many technological advances and cultural changes. Steam power and cotton Mills. Industry and technology. Though there was gleaming order and progress in this Era it is Silhouetted by the tragedy of the Civil War, the birth of the KKK, and the rebellious nature of Western expansion.

"The industrial revolution has tended to produce everywhere great urban masses that seem to be increasingly careless of ethical standards. "- Irving Babbitt

Razah · 07-07-2015, 05:00 PM

cool.

UnbornBuddha · 07-08-2015, 12:09 AM

.

Razah · 07-10-2015, 03:16 PM

The archetype for amazing
The blueprint for brilliance
- Forgive me if it's long winded
We helped the world revolve
But even that..
Has the word evolve in it
One step further, followed by:
Another step, one more in case you didn't see
This is not a revolution
This is what we call: History.

UnbornBuddha · 07-10-2015, 07:58 PM

There’s nothing left of me,
My ancestral tree festers.
I’ve segregated my memories
Into the natural and the polyester.
I remember not being free,
But, having boundless cotton field ecstasy,
Fields of energy which are now vacant.
I miss the anarchy of being a thing!!
All I am now is hours averaged into a paycheck.

My tongue is coated in Bio-fuel,
As we reference machinery in our proverbs
All for the sake of creating more trousers,
And other fine materials you can buy off us.
We’ve suffered in the past
But, never had industrial chemicals to comfort us.
Steam powered machines that fly upward
Into the heart of clouds, gaseous sulfur.
As we touch them, the sky begins to rain smog
Releasing the cadmium, hence our brain fog.
Quick, dispense the quicksilver to counteract it!
Mercury’s derivatives keep the doctor away.

This week,
The machines spat out a child’s arm;
The protocol was to scold him and give him a bad mark.
If, I complain, I’ll be fired,
And my cotton field brethren will starve.
Yes, the plantations enslaved me
But, at least I still had my being.
All I am now is a cog stuck in the machine.

Woke · 07-11-2015, 01:15 AM

Razah - That shit was just dope. Concise and crisp with a fine edge, direct and to the point.

Buddha - Ending was slick, the 'cog in machine' reference tied the story together some what. The problem is you were kind of all over the place. i believe you ran into this problem against Devoid of Orbit when had his short and sweet verses about them bed bugs that was a classic. The long wind you blow is often layered and just a joy to digest. But when you face the abbreviated version of your talent level, well, I don't know how to say it nice really, you make them look better?? Tough to explain, but I think you get it. Sometimes you should read the opponent and write a massive scuplture, then slowly whittle it down to microcosom, selecting your favorite few parts and expanding loosely. I will say I see you wrote from the perspective of a cotton field, dope concept and dope verse. But in all honesty I think you ran into a work of art this week.

Razah

ribbit · 07-12-2015, 03:57 AM

Okay I thought razah verse was a bit too short and it was difficult to find his meaning. On the other hand unbornbuddha came more traditionally and his verse was better than razahs and d that's all I have to say

Vote// unbornbuddha

Split Eight · 07-12-2015, 08:20 PM

I thought both could have come better. Buddha's verse had some intriguing imagery but I didn't understand what he was alluding to in either the last or first verse.

I enjoyed fraze's brevity and the evolution line, but the first two lines were clunky as was the ending.

I have to give it to Buddha for more descriptive zeal

Inno · 07-12-2015, 09:39 PM

I dig where razah was going with this piece.
Dope pace. Great diction and poetic voice.
Simply put. It wasn't enough. Razah posted to show up.
Or maybe not i dont know. What i do know is i could of used
Some closer to this. God this was goinga great direction.

Budha

I like the slave angle budha took with the industrial rev topic. I thought
It was a dope perspective to write to. Started off great but towards
The middle it got a bit stale. Felt like you picked it up and finished it nicely
Though. That middle is the meat though. I think if razah would of wrote
More he could of won this no doubt. Buddah dropped a more complete piece
In my eyes.

Buddha

Zen · 07-12-2015, 09:55 PM

Razah, well done. I hated "but even that has evolved in it", but everything else was great. I'm glad you kept it short and ended it where you did because that takes BALLS. Good stuff.

Buddha I agreed with your message more than I did Razah's, and honestly your verse was great. What hurts your stuff, in my opinion, is that you do too much. "Gaseous sulfur", really killed me. Just saying sulfur would be much cleaner, especially since you've already said it's going into the clouds we understand that's its a gas, dig? I like you, and I like your writing, but I think it'd be much better if you cleaned it up a bit, man.

V/Razah

fraze · 07-13-2015, 08:30 AM

Razah: Nice piece. I think it was executed crisply, but ended quite briskly which can be risky in this league. Think you could have done more with the topic, but there were enough connections there for me to see your object. I've been feeling the shorter poems but think this one could have used a bit more length. In time I'd like to see what you can do with more spent.

UnbornBuddha - Overall your piece was nice, but I'd have liked the wording to be more concise/ precise. But that criticism is minor, you put in work here like a factory in China. I would working on find focal points of imagery that anchor the reader to your pieces scenes. Otherwise when your verse meanders its easy to get lost between.

Vote: Razah - This could have gone either way but I enjoyed Razahs piece more. Sometimes less is better.

Vulgar · 07-13-2015, 10:32 AM

Razah - The element of 'preachiness' that this possessed, as you may or may not agree with, actually helped your cause. The voice was "for" the idea that history replaces a 'revolutionary' classification due to your reasons listed. The 'evolve' as a part of 'revolve' part was okay. The rest seemed quickly written, as if every two lines could've been a stanza, but you chose to group them together. As a coherent statement, it worked. I don't know if there was any significant machinery of ideas behind it though since the examples were so thinly provided.

Buddha - I liked the first half more than the second half, easily. You introduced the reader to a world where there is this industrial transformation and the effects are negative, harkening back to the days of cotton field slaves, only this time the cogs in the machine are literal, as the Earth has become a mechanized place. A little bit cliché in terms of the approach, I could see the ending coming. The language used throughout was to the point and uniform, geared towards a specific theme of egalitarianism and environmentalism, with a tone of resignation. Overall, I thought it was okay.

Vote - UnbornBuddha

I thought he came a little more solid. More foundation, which gave me a reason to vote for him.

07-06-2015, 09:32 PM	#1
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	UnbornBuddha vs Razah (UnbornBuddha wins) LGPA Season 1: Week 2 @UnbornBuddha @Razah Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time) Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time) Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time) Topic: The 2nd Industrial Revolution The industrial revolution marked many technological advances and cultural changes. Steam power and cotton Mills. Industry and technology. Though there was gleaming order and progress in this Era it is Silhouetted by the tragedy of the Civil War, the birth of the KKK, and the rebellious nature of Western expansion. "The industrial revolution has tended to produce everywhere great urban masses that seem to be increasingly careless of ethical standards. "- Irving Babbitt Last edited by Inno; 07-10-2015 at 08:28 PM.

07-10-2015, 07:58 PM	#5
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	There’s nothing left of me, My ancestral tree festers. I’ve segregated my memories Into the natural and the polyester. I remember not being free, But, having boundless cotton field ecstasy, Fields of energy which are now vacant. I miss the anarchy of being a thing!! All I am now is hours averaged into a paycheck. My tongue is coated in Bio-fuel, As we reference machinery in our proverbs All for the sake of creating more trousers, And other fine materials you can buy off us. We’ve suffered in the past But, never had industrial chemicals to comfort us. Steam powered machines that fly upward Into the heart of clouds, gaseous sulfur. As we touch them, the sky begins to rain smog Releasing the cadmium, hence our brain fog. Quick, dispense the quicksilver to counteract it! Mercury’s derivatives keep the doctor away. This week, The machines spat out a child’s arm; The protocol was to scold him and give him a bad mark. If, I complain, I’ll be fired, And my cotton field brethren will starve. Yes, the plantations enslaved me But, at least I still had my being. All I am now is a cog stuck in the machine. Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 07-10-2015 at 08:05 PM.

07-12-2015, 03:57 AM	#7
ribbit The deputy of nc Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: The Rodent Kingdom Posts: 514 Battle Record: 1-10 Rep Power: 7784053	Okay I thought razah verse was a bit too short and it was difficult to find his meaning. On the other hand unbornbuddha came more traditionally and his verse was better than razahs and d that's all I have to say Vote// unbornbuddha __________________ Get lost

07-13-2015, 08:30 AM	#11
fraze Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Louisville, KY Posts: 972 Battle Record: 14-24 Rep Power: 32898726	Razah: Nice piece. I think it was executed crisply, but ended quite briskly which can be risky in this league. Think you could have done more with the topic, but there were enough connections there for me to see your object. I've been feeling the shorter poems but think this one could have used a bit more length. In time I'd like to see what you can do with more spent. UnbornBuddha - Overall your piece was nice, but I'd have liked the wording to be more concise/ precise. But that criticism is minor, you put in work here like a factory in China. I would working on find focal points of imagery that anchor the reader to your pieces scenes. Otherwise when your verse meanders its easy to get lost between. Vote: Razah - This could have gone either way but I enjoyed Razahs piece more. Sometimes less is better. __________________

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07-07-2015, 05:00 PM	#2
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328545	cool.

07-08-2015, 12:09 AM	#3
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	.

07-10-2015, 03:16 PM	#4
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328545	The archetype for amazing The blueprint for brilliance - Forgive me if it's long winded We helped the world revolve But even that.. Has the word evolve in it One step further, followed by: Another step, one more in case you didn't see This is not a revolution This is what we call: History.

07-11-2015, 01:15 AM	#6
Woke Senior Member Join Date: May 2015 Posts: 183 Battle Record: 6-4 Rep Power: 553418	Razah - That shit was just dope. Concise and crisp with a fine edge, direct and to the point. Buddha - Ending was slick, the 'cog in machine' reference tied the story together some what. The problem is you were kind of all over the place. i believe you ran into this problem against Devoid of Orbit when had his short and sweet verses about them bed bugs that was a classic. The long wind you blow is often layered and just a joy to digest. But when you face the abbreviated version of your talent level, well, I don't know how to say it nice really, you make them look better?? Tough to explain, but I think you get it. Sometimes you should read the opponent and write a massive scuplture, then slowly whittle it down to microcosom, selecting your favorite few parts and expanding loosely. I will say I see you wrote from the perspective of a cotton field, dope concept and dope verse. But in all honesty I think you ran into a work of art this week. Razah

07-12-2015, 09:39 PM	#9
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,026 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899403	I dig where razah was going with this piece. Dope pace. Great diction and poetic voice. Simply put. It wasn't enough. Razah posted to show up. Or maybe not i dont know. What i do know is i could of used Some closer to this. God this was goinga great direction. Budha I like the slave angle budha took with the industrial rev topic. I thought It was a dope perspective to write to. Started off great but towards The middle it got a bit stale. Felt like you picked it up and finished it nicely Though. That middle is the meat though. I think if razah would of wrote More he could of won this no doubt. Buddah dropped a more complete piece In my eyes. Buddha

07-12-2015, 09:55 PM	#10
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Razah, well done. I hated "but even that has evolved in it", but everything else was great. I'm glad you kept it short and ended it where you did because that takes BALLS. Good stuff. Buddha I agreed with your message more than I did Razah's, and honestly your verse was great. What hurts your stuff, in my opinion, is that you do too much. "Gaseous sulfur", really killed me. Just saying sulfur would be much cleaner, especially since you've already said it's going into the clouds we understand that's its a gas, dig? I like you, and I like your writing, but I think it'd be much better if you cleaned it up a bit, man. V/Razah

07-13-2015, 10:32 AM	#12
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Razah - The element of 'preachiness' that this possessed, as you may or may not agree with, actually helped your cause. The voice was "for" the idea that history replaces a 'revolutionary' classification due to your reasons listed. The 'evolve' as a part of 'revolve' part was okay. The rest seemed quickly written, as if every two lines could've been a stanza, but you chose to group them together. As a coherent statement, it worked. I don't know if there was any significant machinery of ideas behind it though since the examples were so thinly provided. Buddha - I liked the first half more than the second half, easily. You introduced the reader to a world where there is this industrial transformation and the effects are negative, harkening back to the days of cotton field slaves, only this time the cogs in the machine are literal, as the Earth has become a mechanized place. A little bit cliché in terms of the approach, I could see the ending coming. The language used throughout was to the point and uniform, geared towards a specific theme of egalitarianism and environmentalism, with a tone of resignation. Overall, I thought it was okay. Vote - UnbornBuddha I thought he came a little more solid. More foundation, which gave me a reason to vote for him.