Too Manic

[Flow]

I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain
My head is in a noose that my heart drew taut
And my mind is scarred in ways that people should not – be
So…
Slide down… from the wall to the ground…
Knees to my forehead, fingertips form a crown…
And now?... it’s the ending of this…
One last clenched fist and then… Hello bliss…

Some serious flow/syllable issues for me in this..

The first two lines for example...

I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
Wind blew away parts of me that don’t remain

I would of gone more

I am not a whole person, I am broken into grains
The wind blew away parts of me that i didn't believe remained

But I suppose thats just me, for me that just rolls of the tounge alot better...

The rest of it was pretty solid but that whole first bit needs some more complexity to the rhyme scheme and more multis. Was way too simple in approach for me...and just didnt read well.

BUt that last half was a nice read, some fire in there, keep writing.