AOWL Week 8: Aesthetic (0-2) VS. Objective (1-2) [OBJECTIVE WINS, 6-3.]

[Ink]

Objective:
I liked your "share her innocence" line. I though it was a decent piece until the last stanza.. There it just really felt like you wanted to close the verse off and be done with it.. the story in that stanza, the sentence structure... it was all of noticeably lesser quality than the previous stanzas. The story itself was one that's been told before, but you did add enough to give it a unique flavor. There wasn't anything in your verse that I particularly thought hurt the piece, but I do think the piece in general could have used more... more of anything really to take it to the next level..

Aesthetic:
"Almost as if a stranger yet I see her without a day too pass"
It should be "to" not "too"... I know it's minor, but it still matters
In fact, you make that typo alot.. like you decided "fuck it, I don't know when to use which one, so I'm gonna use 'too' every time"..
My big thing with mistakes like that is... it hurts any significance you might put into words.. for example, if you intentionally used "too" in a line because it actually meant something.. that would be completely lost on me, because as I'm reading I'm thinking you're just making typos... If someone that I know has their grammar and shit down uses "too" instead... I might pause and consider why that's there and what the significance of that is..
You had good ideas in this story, but your execution hurt it alot..
"A defeated yell blank that no feeling could surpass."
In order to convey the meaning you actually intend, this line needed commas. Even so.. a defeated yell blank... You could have flipped that in a way that made more sense..
Next time I think it'd do you alot of good to slow down and start with the basics.. maybe outline your verse so you know how much "ground" you have to cover.. and then work on ironing out those lines so that they make sense..

Vote: Objective. As a total package, he had a more solid verse