The Warlord (unfinished topical)

[Dove Dozer]

Originally Posted by Lars

Hmmmm...

Personally I didn't like the line break for "because of his hunger for power."

I see WHY you did, for emphasis/delivery or whatever you textcees want to call it, but for some reason that line just reads awkward to me. It would probably sound better rapped out loud than it reads in that respect.

A tyrant who hides in the streets, and thrives on lies and deceipt.

Thought that line would read better without the comma, I see again why you do it, so people will get the multies, but there is honestly not many of us that would read that line and not get what you did. We've all been around far too long.

That probably makes me sound like a hypocrite because I overdid that shit when I wrote, but I guess as I've got older I've learned that what people were telling me was correct and I've stopped doing it now.

I agree with Nigma on that last couplet, generally I try to steer away from ending rhymes on cattle/battle/ anyway because there just aren't that many that go with it, I always try to find something else instead, but that's more a personal thing.

This wasn't bad at all, I just feel you'll improve more if I point out what I didn't like, you've done this long enough to know what you did well in here.

Finish it up and i'll read.

War-torn warlord I didn't like either, hate using the same word in a multi like that, especially with it being that close together it makes it all the more obvious what you did. Just a minor thing but big enough for me to notice and point it out. I haven't had breakfast this morning, I'm grouchy, ignore me.

Keep that pen moving!

Stellar feedback lars. I highly appreciate that. Ima tweak this up and finish. Thx