AOWL Week 8: Just Write (0-0) VS. fenix osiris (0-0) [FENIX OSIRIS WINS, 7-0.]

[Ink]

fenix: I enjoyed the story overall, but there were a few things that kinda bothered me when i dug in, but there were mostly very subjective annoyances that really have too much merit... case in point, when people use the work "hairy" to describe a situation... gahh.. The biggest issue I found here, is just that the wording felt off in some areas.. it was humorous, but probably not the effect you wanted to go for. and since apparently you're against a no-show verse.. i'm going to nitpick more. don't mind me being an ass.. i do it cause i care

ie:
"my name is gary, but my last name is unnecessary"
your name is Gary, cool. BUT your last name is unnecessary?...
Sup, man. I'm Ink. But my last name is unnecessary. that "but" just makes me cock an eyebrow.. the line would have made more sense without it..
"always been fairly close with my family, but still unmarried"
I'm not quite sure how being close to your family would cause one to think you're married... your use of "but" here is problematic in the same way it was in the first line..
"first to speak was an angel to my left, this is what he preached
you're being entangled in peril, change your path, this i beseech"
This line just reeks of "beseech rhymed with preached.. so I used it" to me... but we all do it, I know I do from time to time..
That second to last stanza... those end rhymes... I'm not against "ion" rhymes, or rhyming the same for every line for a stanza.. it can be very effective and powerful.. but it didn't feel that way this time around.. it just felt a bit overdone.
You do know how to write off rhymes well though, always a fan of that.
You are good at writing the big picture. The overall story and general progression of the piece was great. But when I really inspect the lines and the wording, I find issues like the ones I mentioned about that make this piece good, but not amazing.

Just Write:
"pray to god every day that i'd just be offered forgiveness
(little did i know he didnt even offer existence)"
I thought that was dope. Sucks that you didn't have the time to finish this up, it looked like the start of something great.

Vote: fenix osiris. A fully developed and fleshed out verse vs. a no-show verse makes for an easy decision..