W3: PancakeBrah (1-1) vs. Greed (1-1) -- PancakeBrah 4-1

zygote · 10-19-2014, 03:06 AM

Greed had good rhyming but bad sentence structure. E.g., "luckily im a pro now my only motto is to preform it fast and
I have an entire living room set up with morbid knick knacks and a torture rack
Perhaps I would have poisoned their asses if I could afford the gasses
But smouldering ashes form a sort of dance before they're stored in trashes"

See the words that start each line are 'and' + 'and' + 'perhaps' + 'but' - this gives effect of making the entire passage like one big sentence. This made it a little difficult to follow, if you put in some fullstops or at least eased up on the conjunctions it would be clearer that they were separate sentences with separate thoughts. It seems like nitpicking but it's not really. It's just harder to follow, and it actually became a deciding factor in my rationale here. Also, some words like 'standed' are not very good. It didn't compare favorably with the stylistic maturity and concise language choice that PB employed. Voting for PB.

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10-19-2014, 03:06 AM	#6
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Greed had good rhyming but bad sentence structure. E.g., "luckily im a pro now my only motto is to preform it fast and I have an entire living room set up with morbid knick knacks and a torture rack Perhaps I would have poisoned their asses if I could afford the gasses But smouldering ashes form a sort of dance before they're stored in trashes" See the words that start each line are 'and' + 'and' + 'perhaps' + 'but' - this gives effect of making the entire passage like one big sentence. This made it a little difficult to follow, if you put in some fullstops or at least eased up on the conjunctions it would be clearer that they were separate sentences with separate thoughts. It seems like nitpicking but it's not really. It's just harder to follow, and it actually became a deciding factor in my rationale here. Also, some words like 'standed' are not very good. It didn't compare favorably with the stylistic maturity and concise language choice that PB employed. Voting for PB.