Week 1: Split vs. Kannon -- [Kannon 6-0]

[Split]

in your studio uptown, it is quiet at last.
set your cell to silent, duck down,
try and relax. the work week will wait up.
the stress has been killer. perfectly mundane,
and eternally painless. bland french vanilla Folgers,
hand-pressed manila folders, the commuter line anthem
diffuses by stand-ins for the youth that you and I danced with-
how can this be? how things have changed.
this town seems the same but i only see strangers
and street signs feel foreign. the last stop
shouldve been mine. the next off is a crooked design
of wooden relief, and I hesitate at the door,
this is the turning point, the medication is warm,
but the bath is drawn and my patience is worn
and the next song echoes with a playful reprieve.
luxury's subtle, but comfort is amazingly cheap.
ive bought myself time and didnt save the receipt...
slipped into slumber just to wait for the dream

[theMuzzl3]

kannon:

Your verse was good, from beginning to end. It was a bit on the religious side, but I won't judge it based on that. There was some rhymes, which isn't necessary, but a plus in my book.

The over-all message was very good and the storyline told it very well, from start to finish.

I found no grammatical mistakes (which I don't dock points for), but I'm also drunk now.

From the first few lines, to the middle part where you improvised, to (my favorite part) the out of body experience… it was excellent. It also had a good, positive message to it.

Some parts could have been structured better, however I can't give advice on that (just read Certain's post)

The "…oh, and God's black." part brought it from an 8.5 to a 9. That line was an awesome ending.

9/10




Split:

You missed the deadline, but I'm going to vote regularly & without bias. You must have some clout with admins to have allowed this, because I saw other topics being deleted and yours re-appeared. I feel like you have Split-personalities (hint hint). I find it funny that your sig quotes me from 2 different quotes and you were first to reply on topics that are now deleted from multi-account usage and impersonation.

I read your verse twice, and just to be fair, here is my unbiased assessment:

I like how your second half went, after the "how can this be?" part.

I like the hesitation at the door. Medication warm seems to symbolize her coming back into her Earthly body, and the bath drawn in her patience being "warm" instead of "warn" would have been like welcoming her to heaven… but you kind of lost me. Perhaps, you wrote in too many metaphors for me to understand, and for that I will raise your score.

Considering you were late (possibly dealing with other split personalities):

EDIT** I scored you a 4/10, now after the 3rd time I read it, I'm giving you a 7/10 -- (docked 1.5 points for missing Thurs Oct 2, midnight the deadline, so woulda been 8.5/10).

/v kannon