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Old 09-06-2014, 03:06 AM   #5
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jilti: this was enjoyable on a lot of levels. I like how you seamlessly weaved in scriptures to add that biblical apocalyptic tone, definitely made your verse into an atmosphere (which is no easy feat in this format). there were some moments of pretty stilted language and flow, however, which can cost you since there's so little margin for error with such short verses. I'd say my biggest gripe here is that it felt like a plateau. You described the feeling and the atmosphere well, but that's all you really did. I would have liked to see a twist of implication somewhere to make it more provocative/make me think more. What I got was good, I just can't help but feel like it could have been more.

Kannon: the hip-hop homages were great imo. At first it felt a little cheap to have a bible passage-esque intro, almost like you were feeding off of jilti, but it worked in the context of your verse so it was negligible. while the story itself was a little flat, the storytelling was excellent. I particularly liked the broken nose because he broke the 4th commandment, clever turn of phrase.

Vote: Jilti had a more powerful concept, but I think he missed the mark on his delivery of it. Kannon was fluid and crisp with his writing, and the feel of it felt classic as opposed to played. strong battle of opposing styles, but I got Kannon taking it.
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