zygote -
Their jaundiced yellow skin contrasts the labs grey masonry.
NICE. although i suppose the word 'contrast' sort of bluntly strikes the reader on the head with the beautiful imagery, maybe use 'against' instead.. its a bit more subtle and less insulting, so to speak. anyways, overall, i thought the scientific language took away from what you were able to accomplish with your words. terms like vivisection are impressive and perhaps accurate, but the large number of syllables takes away from what your able to do with your flow (although this particular word you rhymed nicely) and the images and emotions you can create. the ending seemed like a to be continued bit, wish you wouldve weaved a beginning middle and end here, its probably ideal when going against a writer like adonis.
adonis - the chalkline cervix was nice, and there were some other images that stuck with me. i wasnt particularly fond of the one syllable flow work, but there was enough complexity interspersed in there to make it work overall. the description of what the baby would come to be was nice as well, and it made for an interesting storytelling mechanism. seeing as your verse also seemed to be a segment of a story, im going to vote for zygote here. both tight verses, but overall zygote had a more original piece and his imagery and flow was smidgeons better
v- zygote
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04-01-2013, 06:52 PM
Hybrid Mode
